Lynne Thigpen: The Chief

Quotes 

• The Chief : Now, Gumshoes, I'm going to tip you to a secret about today's caper that even Carmen doesn't know: those choppers Patty swiped are fakes. Washington's real false teeth were nicked in 1981. And don't believe that nonsense you hear about wooden teeth. Washington's were made of ivory- hippopotamus tusks, to be exact.

• The Chief : [about Patty Larceny]  She's a cute kid with a criminal code of conduct. If she weren't an international thief, she'd be the nicest young lady in the world.

• Self - Host : For our next clue, let's go down here and check out the stool pigeon and see if he has anything for us.

  [Walks over to a stuffed pigeon wearing a tie, standing on a small table] 

  Self - Host : Hey, Hank. Hank, how you doin', buddy? How are you? Hi. How are you?

  The Chief : [appearing on the monitor, somewhat annoyed]  Greg, when are you going to get it into your head that that thing has been dead for six years and it will not respond to your affectionate, soothing words?

  Self - Host : Listen, Hank. We're not gonna listen to that, are we? We're not gonna take that personally, are we? No, we're not. No, we're not. We're not! Look what I have for you. Look right here.

  [procures a worm] 

  Self - Host : It's suppertime, Hanky. Huh? I'm gonna put it right there for you.

  [on the table] 

  Self - Host : You have anything for me? Do you? You do! He does! Isn't he cute? Thank you so very much. Isn't he cute? Let's find out what he says.

  [he takes a small piece of paper at Hank's feet and returns to his post] 

• Self - Host : [outside the door to the chief's office]  I'm gonna pay a visit to the chief. It's kind of a daily thing we do.

  [enters] 

  Self - Host : Yeah, Chief, what's up?

  The Chief : [all in a dither]  Greg, have you seen the headlines today?

  Self - Host : No.

  The Chief : [holding up a newspaper]  "ACME CRIMENET GOING NOWHERE FAST!" We are the laughing stock of the entire law enforcement community! Gumshoes, look, you've got to get Carmen Sandiego! Now, if you do, I'll give you a free trip anywhere in the lower forty-eight states!

  [applause] 

  Self - Host : Good move, Chief! I mean nice job, 'cause we can't afford any kind of problems like that. I mean we gotta stay on the straight and narrow. We can't have any problems like that with the P.R. going, because I mean one thing like that...

  The Chief : Go away!

  The Chief : Yes, ma'am.

• The Chief : A Lake Edward hippopotamus. Now, Acme Animal Interrogation rule number seven: exercise extreme caution when questioning hippos. They may look like potatoes, but they can run forty-five miles an hour.

• The Chief : [during a slide show of Zaire]  Central Market in Kinshasa. Perfect place for Patty to try to pawn the pearlies. You know, that reminds me of a time I stayed at my Aunt Varna's house. The first night, I saw her false teeth in a glass on the kitchen sink. "Aunt Varna!" I said, "your teeth are in the kitchen!" "I took them out to give them a rest," she said. "Did a lot of talking today." Well, the next evening, she came in to say goodnight. "I sure am tired," she said. "Did a lot of thinking today." Wild horses coudln't drag me into that kitchen after that.