- The Chief: Now, Gumshoes, I'm going to tip you to a secret about today's caper that even Carmen doesn't know: those choppers Patty swiped are fakes. Washington's real false teeth were nicked in 1981. And don't believe that nonsense you hear about wooden teeth. Washington's were made of ivory- hippopotamus tusks, to be exact.
- The Chief: [about Patty Larceny] She's a cute kid with a criminal code of conduct. If she weren't an international thief, she'd be the nicest young lady in the world.
- Self - Host: For our next clue, let's go down here and check out the stool pigeon and see if he has anything for us.
- [Walks over to a stuffed pigeon wearing a tie, standing on a small table]
- Self - Host: Hey, Hank. Hank, how you doin', buddy? How are you? Hi. How are you?
- The Chief: [appearing on the monitor, somewhat annoyed] Greg, when are you going to get it into your head that that thing has been dead for six years and it will not respond to your affectionate, soothing words?
- Self - Host: Listen, Hank. We're not gonna listen to that, are we? We're not gonna take that personally, are we? No, we're not. No, we're not. We're not! Look what I have for you. Look right here.
- [procures a worm]
- Self - Host: It's suppertime, Hanky. Huh? I'm gonna put it right there for you.
- [on the table]
- Self - Host: You have anything for me? Do you? You do! He does! Isn't he cute? Thank you so very much. Isn't he cute? Let's find out what he says.
- [he takes a small piece of paper at Hank's feet and returns to his post]
- Self - Host: [outside the door to the chief's office] I'm gonna pay a visit to the chief. It's kind of a daily thing we do.
- [enters]
- Self - Host: Yeah, Chief, what's up?
- The Chief: [all in a dither] Greg, have you seen the headlines today?
- Self - Host: No.
- The Chief: [holding up a newspaper] "ACME CRIMENET GOING NOWHERE FAST!" We are the laughing stock of the entire law enforcement community! Gumshoes, look, you've got to get Carmen Sandiego! Now, if you do, I'll give you a free trip anywhere in the lower forty-eight states!
- [applause]
- Self - Host: Good move, Chief! I mean nice job, 'cause we can't afford any kind of problems like that. I mean we gotta stay on the straight and narrow. We can't have any problems like that with the P.R. going, because I mean one thing like that...
- The Chief: Go away!
- The Chief: Yes, ma'am.
- Patty Larceny: [during the phone tap] Carmen, these teeth are grossing me out! Why didn't you give this job to Top Grunge?
- Carmen Sandiego: Quit your whining, Patty. You have to move fast. Head for Africa's second largest country. It's on the Mediterranean coast.
- Patty Larceny: But I don't know anyone in Africa.
- Carmen Sandiego: I have a close friend who'll meet you. She'll be wearing a veil.
- Patty Larceny: A veil? Is that what all the women wear?
- Carmen Sandiego: Only the strict Muslims. They believe it's improper to be in public unless they've covered their lower face. Now, stop with the questions. You just have to go.
- Self - Host: [observing the monitor turn to color bars, then fuzzy] Wait a second. I think someone's overriding our signal here.
- [adjusts the switches]
- Self - Host: Crystal, is that you?
- Crystal the Teenage Medium: [appearing in front of the fuzzy lines] Like, who else would be rocking your shockers but me, Crystal the Teenage Medium Greg, I'm getting multiple island vibes. Like, wow! Over thirteen thousand of 'em. Here comes a definite Balinese vibe. And wait. I see a puppet show- but no puppets! Only their shadows! Hmm. Maybe I'm due for a tune up. Oh well. This is Crystal signing off!
- The Voice From On High: GREG! GREG.
- Self - Host: Yeah?
- The Voice From On High: WHO'S THAT?
- [referring to the dying informant, still out cold]
- Self - Host: This right here? This is Scott. We had a little problem. We normally have a service that comes in and...
- The Voice From On High: I SEE. WANT TO SEE SOMETHING SPECIAL?
- Self - Host: Yeah. Yeah.
- The Voice From On High: WATCH THIS. YO! YO, SCOTT! RISE.
- Dying Informant: [springing to his feet on cue] Woo! I feel great!
- Self - Host: Ladies and gentlemen, Scott, they dying informant is alive!
- [the audience applauds as Scott departs through the door]
- Self - Host: That was pretty good. You're good.
- The Voice From On High: THANK YOU. I'D LIKE TO SHARE A POEM WITH THE GUMSHOES.
- Self - Host: Well, I don't know if we have time for that. We're kind of, like, hot on the trail of a crook right now, and...
- The Voice From On High: THINK I DON'T KNOW THAT? PIPE DOWN AND LISTEN! AHEM! IN A COUNTRY THAT'S ON THE EQUATOR/YOU'LL FIND PATTY THERE SOONER OR LATER/THEY SPEAK FRENCH WITH AN AFRICAN FLAIR/SEARCH KINSHASA, THE CAPITOL THERE.
- Self - Host: That's it?
- The Voice From On High: YES, THAT'S IT. DON'T YOU KNOW THE END OF A POEM WHEN YOU HEAR ONE?
- Self - Host: No, that was great.
- The Voice From On High: NOW, FIND THAT NASTY LITTLE PATTY!
- Self - Host: Right. Gotcha.
- The Chief: A Lake Edward hippopotamus. Now, Acme Animal Interrogation rule number seven: exercise extreme caution when questioning hippos. They may look like potatoes, but they can run forty-five miles an hour.
- The Chief: [during a slide show of Zaire] Central Market in Kinshasa. Perfect place for Patty to try to pawn the pearlies. You know, that reminds me of a time I stayed at my Aunt Varna's house. The first night, I saw her false teeth in a glass on the kitchen sink. "Aunt Varna!" I said, "your teeth are in the kitchen!" "I took them out to give them a rest," she said. "Did a lot of talking today." Well, the next evening, she came in to say goodnight. "I sure am tired," she said. "Did a lot of thinking today." Wild horses coudln't drag me into that kitchen after that.
- Patty Larceny: [when calling the gumshoe from jail during this season] I know I shouldn't be telling you this, but it isn't fair that I'm in jail and Carmen's not. Look her her in
- [names the continent in which to look for Carmen]