The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Lizard-Spock Expansion (2008)
Jim Parsons: Sheldon Cooper
Photos
Quotes
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Leonard Hofstadter : What's the emergency?
Howard Wolowitz : I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.
Sheldon Cooper : Where?
Howard Wolowitz : On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield... Where do you think? On Mars!
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Howard Wolowitz : Okay, I guess we have to turn to plan B.
Sheldon Cooper : What's plan B?
Howard Wolowitz : Erase all the hard drives, grab the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
Sheldon Cooper : Why wasn't that plan A?
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Sheldon Cooper : I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.
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Sheldon Cooper : I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
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Howard Wolowitz : There's got to be other options.
Raj Koothrappali : Could try calling Triple-A. But based on NASA's latest time table, they won't get there for thirty-five years.
Sheldon Cooper : Plus, I understand that you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.
Raj Koothrappali : Oh, snap!
Sheldon Cooper : Snap what?
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Howard Wolowitz : Oh, if it isn't Mrs Dead To Me.
Stephanie : Hello, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz : Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper : Look I'm sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence; I'm out.
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Raj Koothrappali : [Attempting to determine which Sci-fi show to watch the two heroes expand the rock-paper-scissors game] I'll tell you what. How about we go rock-paper-scissors?
Sheldon Cooper : Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock.
Raj Koothrappali : What?
Sheldon Cooper : It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
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Raj Koothrappali : Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured!
Sheldon Cooper : No; no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction while Star Trek I fails across the board: art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.
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Raj Koothrappali : Okay, who gets the extra dumpling?
Raj Koothrappali , Sheldon Cooper , Howard Wolowitz : Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!
[They all draw Spock]
Sheldon Cooper : Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.
Howard Wolowitz : How do we decide that?
Raj Koothrappali , Sheldon Cooper , Howard Wolowitz : Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!
Raj Koothrappali , Sheldon Cooper , Howard Wolowitz : [They all draw Spock again] Ahh!
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Sheldon Cooper : If someone, and of course we don't know who this would be, does ask where you've gone, what should I say?
Leonard Hofstadter : I don't know... Just tell them I went to the office.
Sheldon Cooper : Are you going to the office?
Leonard Hofstadter : No.
Sheldon Cooper : Then how can I say it convincingly?
Leonard Hofstadter : Just say, "Leonard went to the office."
Sheldon Cooper : All right.
[Robotically]
Sheldon Cooper : "Leonard went to... the office."
Leonard Hofstadter : What is-? No, not like that; just "Leonard went to the office."
Sheldon Cooper : This would have worked out a lot better if you had just told me you were going to the office.
Leonard Hofstadter : I'm going to the office.
Sheldon Cooper : See, why don't I believe you?
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Sheldon Cooper : Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak, and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.
Leonard Hofstadter : That's just ridiculous! Why are you cooperating with him?
Sheldon Cooper : I don't make the rules, Leonard.
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[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper : Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.
Raj Koothrappali : I don't want to watch Saturn 3; Deep Space 9 is better.
Sheldon Cooper : How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?
Raj Koothrappali : Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
Leonard Hofstadter : Compromise; watch Babylon 5.
[chuckles]
Sheldon Cooper : In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard Hofstadter : Well, five is part way between three an... Never mind.
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Howard Wolowitz : Noticed the eye patch, did you? It's all part of a technique I've been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.