The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The White Asparagus Triangulation (2008)
Johnny Galecki: Leonard Hofstadter
Photos
Quotes
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Sheldon Cooper : Leonard, Leonard, Leonard
[whilst knocking]
Leonard Hofstadter : What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper : Tell me what you see here?
[showing Leonard the laptop]
Leonard Hofstadter : The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
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Sheldon : I'm sorry I'm late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.
Leonard : What invitation?
Sheldon : [reads note] "We're going to the movies." What movie? What theater? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn't have done a better job.
Leonard : Oh clearly, I could have.
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Leonard Hofstadter : Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. *You* are not in this relationship. *I* am. Ergo, you have *noooo* say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie!
Sheldon Cooper : I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard Hofstadter : Starfleet General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon Cooper : Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard Hofstadter : Because this is not Star Trek!
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Sheldon : If you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed!
Leonard : What landing party?
Sheldon : You're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed... and now we've got McCoy!
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Sheldon Cooper : Wait here. I'll find us seats.
Stephanie : Oh, no, we have seats.
Leonard Hofstadter : [wearily] Not the right seats.
Sheldon Cooper : [loudly] Ha. Ha. Ha.
Stephanie : What is he doing?
Leonard Hofstadter : [unenthused] He's finding the acoustic sweet spot.
Sheldon Cooper : [having changed seats] Ha.
Stephanie : Does he always do this?
Leonard Hofstadter : Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone.
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Penny : Leonard, congratulations.
Leonard Hofstadter : What for?
Penny : Your Facebook status update. Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship.
Leonard Hofstadter : What? No... No, that's not right.
Howard Wolowitz : Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert: way to look needy.
Penny : Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That's bold.
Leonard Hofstadter : It's not bold, it's a mistake. I didn't change my status.
Penny : Well, then who did?
[Everybody looks at Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper : I had no choice; he cried in front of her.
Leonard Hofstadter : You hacked my Facebook account?
Sheldon Cooper : Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, "Kal-El".
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Leonard Hofstadter : [yelling] Are you insane! Now she's going to think I'm desperate. You've destroyed this relationship, and, you want to know the worst part is, you don't even understand what you did wrong because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in.
Sheldon Cooper : In which I am not...
Leonard Hofstadter : Don't even!
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Sheldon Cooper : When I fail to open this jar and you succeed, it will establish you as the "alpha" male. You see... When a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination, she produces the hormone Oxycontin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse, this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as "falling in love".
Leonard Hofstadter : Would it work if I just punched you in the face?
Sheldon Cooper : Yes, actually it would, but let's see how the lid goes.
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Leonard Hofstadter : All I'm saying is if they can cure yellow fever and malaria, why can't they do something about lactose intolerance?
Dr. Stephanie Barnett : Leonard, you're gonna have to let this go. You had a little cheese dip, you farted. I thought it was cute.
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Dr. Stephanie Barnett : What do you say se get you home, put you to bed?
Leonard Hofstadter : Are you still gonna spend the night?
Dr. Stephanie Barnett : Uh, no. I think that you probably need to rest.
Sheldon Cooper : She's right. As long as you're vomiting, coitus is contraindicated.
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Leonard Hofstadter : Do you understand that this was supposed to be a date?
Sheldon Cooper : I do. Do you? Because frankly, you've been in a foul mood since I sat down.
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Sheldon Cooper : What a beautiful job Stephanie did. I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket stitch, but you can't argue with her results. It's a shame it won't scar, the war wound is a time-honoured badge of masculinity.
Leonard Hofstadter : I can't remember a time when you weren't talking.
