- Ted Mosby: The three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
- Barney Stinson: Jesus.
- Marshall Eriksen: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
- Barney Stinson: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait three days thing. He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he only had waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't even have heard that he died. They'd be all, like: "Hey, Jesus, what up?" Jesus would probably be, like: "What up? I died yesterday." And then they'd be all: "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude." And then Jesus would have to explain about how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be, like: "Uh, okay, dude. Whatever you say, bro."
- Barney Stinson: He's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days: Three.
- Ted Mosby: Okay, I promise I'll wait three days, just please stop talking.
- Barney Stinson: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, like: "Oh... Jesus is dead." Then - BAM! - he bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman. Because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.
- Barney Stinson: Well, if Ted won't say it, I will. I love you.
- Stan: That's cool. Still nothing, huh?
- Marshall Eriksen: Maybe he's not in love with us.
- Barney Stinson: How can he not be in love with us? We're everything he's looking for.
- Marshall Eriksen: I don't get men.
- Stan: Got to head to work.
- Barney Stinson: Will you be... Will you be back?
- Stan: I'll be back when the wind and fates and chance bring me back. Which will be tomorrow. It's cheese steak day.
- Stan: And when we finally come together, I want you to hold me. Hold me all night. Stroke my hair. Tell me I'm a woman, and show me you a man. Until there is only now. You, and I, and now.
- Ted Mosby: Check it out. I just got that girl's number. See? Holly.
- Barney Stinson: Nice! Girls with "ly" at the end of their names are dirty. Carly, Shirly, Lily.
- Marshall Eriksen: Hey!... all right, it's true.
- Barney Stinson: Don't even get me started on girls whose name should end in "ly", but instead end in I. Those girls are like roller-coasters. You've got to wait in a long line, but once you get up there, you just hold on for dear life and hope you don't lose your keys.
- Ted Mosby: The three days rule is stupid. I propose a new rule, the "you like her, you call her" rule.
- Barney Stinson: I'm sorry, I don't speak "I never get laid".
- Barney Stinson: [reading Ted's text message to Holly] "Texty Text"? Ted, what were you thinking?
- Marshall Eriksen: We should tell him it's us.
- Barney Stinson: Yes, we should. Or, we pretend we're Holly and mess with him.
- Marshall Eriksen: Let's do that.
- Marshall Eriksen: Look, it's been a while since Ted really liked someone. He's clearly got a lot of crazy stored up. We just we thought we'd get him to say "I love you" before he even makes contact with this girl
- Barney Stinson: And you can tell it's on the way. He's exhibiting all the telltale signs.
- Marshall Eriksen: Yeah. One: He joked about getting married.
- Barney Stinson: "You like architecture?" "We should get married". "Ha-ha. LOL. Just kidding. Question mark?"
- Marshall Eriksen: Two: He made a crazy way-too-soon trip suggestion.
- Barney Stinson: "I like beer, too". "We should totally go to Germany together". "LOL. JK. LOL".
- Marshall Eriksen: And three: He got way too personal way too soon.
- Barney Stinson: "Yeah, my parents got divorced a couple years back. "It was really tough. LOL."
- Robin Scherbatsky: And he clearly doesn't know what LOL means.
- Marshall Eriksen: Why in the world would Ted text a girl he barely knows that he sometimes has gay dreams about me?
- Barney Stinson: Whoa. Slow your roll. You? He's clearly talking about me.
- Marshall Eriksen: Dude, it's me. I'm his best friend.
- Barney Stinson: Okay, one: that has never been proven. Two: If anyone were to have gay dreams about one of us, it would be me. I mean, look at me. Now look at you.
- Marshall Eriksen: Here's the thing, Barney. I'm snuggly. You're not. Who wouldn't want to snuggle up next to this business on a Sunday morning? Wrapped in a comforter, and it's raining outside, And there's muffins warming in the oven. I'm cuddly, bitch. Deal with it.
- Barney Stinson: I work out every day. If there is one thing we know about Ted, It's that he likes a nice body. This body would rock his world.
- Marshall Eriksen: Ted and I have a history. I know what he likes. There are things I could do to him that would blow his mind - - Why do we keep trying to have sex with Ted?
- Barney Stinson: I don't know. It's weird.
- Marshall Eriksen: Hey, look at this guy. How's it going, uh, best friend of 12 years?
- Ted Mosby: Well, it's kind of weird, But, uh, I had this crazy dream the other night. It's a little embarrassing.
- Barney Stinson: You can tell us, Ted. This is a safe space.
- Marshall Eriksen: Yeah, your feelings are perfectly natural, buddy.
- Ted Mosby: Okay. Here's what happened. So I'm at...
- Narrator: And then I proceeded to waste a half hour of those bastards' lives,telling them about this dream I had where I ate dinner with my top five architects
- Ted Mosby: ...And then, at the end of the meal, Frank Gehry slides the check over to I. M. Pei, and he says, "Buddy, tonight, your name is I. M. Paying. " Buckminster Fuller almost did a spit take. And then I woke up.
- Marshall Eriksen: So, that-that's it?
- Barney Stinson: No other dreams? Nothing confusing or erotic?
- Marshall Eriksen: Ted, you know how at some point in the future, Machines will rise up against us?
- Ted Mosby: Sure.
- Marshall Eriksen: So, the machines - they've killed everybody, And all that's left Is you, me... And Barney. Which one of us would you, like get with?
- Ted Mosby: Why do I have to get with one of you?
- Barney Stinson: The machines are forcing you. They want to watch. That's just how they get down.
- Stan: You make me thank God for every mistake I ever made, because each one led me down the path that brought me to you.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Just don't make that naked lady noise.
- Ted Mosby: I don't make naked lady noises.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Oh, really?
- [Flashes Ted]
- Ted Mosby: He-heh. He-heh. He-heh.
- Robin Scherbatsky: No woman in the history of the world is ever "just sitting around, reading architecture magazines in my old cheerleader uniform".
- Ted Mosby: Okay, maybe she's just lying about the architecture magazines.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Holly is Barney and Marshall.
- Ted Mosby: Wait. That whole time it was them? So Holly wasn't in the bath? Or sitting by her window, looking up at the stars,thinking about me? Or lounging in her old cheerleader uniform reading architecture magazines?
- Robin Scherbatsky: Yeah. I don't think they actually did those things. They were just at the bar.
- Ted Mosby: Right.
- Stan: Why don't you tell Ted that just knowing he's out there thinking about you, caring about you, makes you feel safe. So all your fears, all your yesterdays, wash away. And only hope remains in the promise of his embrace.
- Ted Mosby: No. This is bad.
- Robin Scherbatsky: What?
- Ted Mosby: She just sent me a text that was clearly meant for someone else.
- Robin Scherbatsky: [Reads the text] "Baby, I picked up some take-out from Generro's. Be home soon." Okay, yes, this sounds bad, but let's think about this, okay? It could be for a brother or maybe her sick dad.
- Ted Mosby: Scroll down.
- Robin Scherbatsky: "And then I want you to do me on the couch." Okay, maybe not a sick dad.
- [Grins, raising an eyebrow]
- Robin Scherbatsky: Or a VERY sick dad. Am I right?
- [Ted stares blankly]
- Robin Scherbatsky: Sorry.