- Melissa: All right. Well, now that we're all here, why don't we take turns saying something about Alan and how much he means to us.
- [Jake gets up from his seat]
- Melissa: Oh, okay, Jake. You want to start?
- Jake Harper: No, I gotta make room for cake.
- Melissa: All right. Uh, Berta! Why don't you get the ball rolling?
- Berta: Sure, what the hell. Zippy, I got to tell you, when you first moved in, I didn't really care for you. You were a persnickety, self-righteous, smug son-of-a-bitch. And now, here we are, six years later. Thank you.
- Charlie Harper: I can't believe it.
- Jake Harper: Believe what?
- Charlie Harper: I think I miss him.
- Jake Harper: Miss who?
- Charlie Harper: Your father.
- Jake Harper: Oh.
- Charlie Harper: What about you?
- Jake Harper: What about me, what?
- Charlie Harper: Do you miss him?
- Jake Harper: Who?
- Charlie Harper: Your father!
- Jake Harper: Why? Where is he?
- Melissa: Alan's birthday is next Saturday.
- Charlie Harper: Really? I don't think so.
- Melissa: Yeppers! He's gonna be 40.
- Charlie Harper: Wow, that is so weird. My baby brother's gonna be 40!
- Melissa: How old are you?
- Charlie Harper: 39.
- Alan Harper: This is so nice! A private, intimate dinner for just the two of us.
- [Acts surprised as he enters the room]
- Alan Harper: Oh, my God! You guys!
- Alan Harper: [after seeing an empty table] There's nobody here.
- Melissa: I don't understand it. I told them to be here an hour ago.
- Alan Harper: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes!
- [Alan sees Charlie, Berta, Jake and Evelyn at the door, where they hear his comments]
- Charlie Harper: Surprise.