Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
My Son's Enormous Head (2009)
Jon Cryer: Alan Harper
Quotes
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Jake Harper : Maybe she has an STD.
Charlie Harper : What?
Jake Harper : I mean, sexually transmitted disease.
Charlie Harper : I know what STDs are.
Alan Harper : Your uncle helped invent them.
Jake Harper : You know they can be prevented by using a condom.
Charlie Harper : I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now, we gotta use a hammer.
Jake Harper : I don't understand.
Charlie Harper : Go get me a hammer and I'll show you.
Jake Harper : Okay.
[Jake goes to the garage]
Charlie Harper : [to Alan] You must be so proud.
Jake Harper : [offscreen, from the garage] Ballpeen or claw hammer?
Alan Harper : Do me a favor. When he gets back, just do it.
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Charlie Harper : [Alan is about to watch "The Bridges of Madison County" on TV] Hey! What are you doing up?
Alan Harper : Watching a Clint Eastwood movie.
Charlie Harper : [Minutes later] This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie.
Alan Harper : Yes, it is.
Charlie Harper : Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie.
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Alan Harper : Where did you meet a nine-year-old?
Jake Harper : We're in the same math class.
Alan Harper : Is she one of those advanced students?
Jake Harper : Sadly, no. But she *does* help me with my homework.
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Charlie Harper : You know, I just realized something.
Alan Harper : That cough syrup and hard liquor don't mix?
Charlie Harper : No, they're delightful.