Rock Slyde (2009)

Patrick Warburton: Rock Slyde

Quotes 

• Jerry Cantrell : Did you ever find that guitar?

  Rock Slyde : No.

  Jerry Cantrell : That guitar was worth $15,000.

  Rock Slyde : No guitar is worth $15,000.

  Jerry Cantrell : Well, you definitely weren't worth the U$75.

  Rock Slyde : It was $100.

  Jerry Cantrell : Great. You suck!

  Rock Slyde : You keep making Satan's music.

• Rock Slyde : I'm sorry I like black women. It started off as a phase, really. I was young and found myself watching Soul Train every Saturday morning. It really was the chicken or the egg theory at work. Did I like black women because I watched Soul Train or did I watch Soul Train because I liked black women. All the women were compelling - even the lone ever-present dancing Asian girl. But it was the images of those African queens, shaking what the good lord gave 'em, that I could never get out of my head.

• [first lines] 

  Rock Slyde : My name is Rock Slyde, and I blame my mother. With a name like that I was destined for one of two careers. That's detective work, or porn. After starring in two art films, I decided the glamor life of a porn star wasn't for me. Besides, I was hung like a hamster.

• Sara : [coming to]  Ugh, what happened.

  Rock Slyde : Somebody jumped you.

  Sara : Wasn't it you?

  Rock Slyde : I was hoping you wouldn't ask that.

• Rock Slyde : It's impossible for me to love again. My heart is frozen.

  Sara : Maybe I can thaw it for you.

  Rock Slyde : A thousand monkeys operating a thousand microwaves for a thousand years couldn't thaw this icy heart.

• Rock Slyde : I'm a horrible person and have lots of flaws. Look, I'm stupid and dumb, and um, I smell bad like a rancid ape. My mother hates me. I got problems. I pee in the shower, and uh, I still think Pluto's a planet - I don't care what anybody says. I'm a fan of Dan Cooks.

• Rock Slyde : I don't do religion and I don't do politics.

  Bart : What is it you do do, Mr. Slyde?

  Rock Slyde : [thinking]  Mmm, he said doo doo.

  [out loud] 

  Rock Slyde : Crossword puzzles.

  Bart : Then perhaps you know a 4-letter word for something that frightens you.

  Rock Slyde : I didn't say I was good at 'em, I said I did 'em.

• [last lines] 

  Rock Slyde : Sara Lee and I went on a little vacation to Hawaii were we figured out apparently that the eBay feedback form and Tuesday supermarket flyers aren't enough to keep two people together.

  [raising repaired coffee mug to his mouth] 

  Rock Slyde : Besides, I still like black women.

  [coffee mug handle suddenly breaks off] 

  Rock Slyde : Damn, that was hot.