House M.D. (TV Series)

Joy (2008)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

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Quotes 

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : She's not a crack baby.

  Dr. Gregory House : No, mother's perfectly healthy. She just had to give up the baby in order to continue her work on the human genome.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : She confessed to some past meth use.

  Dr. Gregory House : What they don't confess to is almost always more interesting. This is a mistake.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Because a kid you don't know may have some problems you don't know about that she may have passed on to a kid?

  Dr. Gregory House : Because you're a control seeking narcissist. Which is fine, good even in some jobs. But you're not equipped to handle a real kid, never mind a factory second. Where are you meeting her?

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : In a little place called "Follow me and your urologist will be buying himself a new yacht."

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Why do you need to negate everything?

  Dr. Gregory House : I don't know.

• Dr. Gregory House : [on adoption]  They explained the returns policy, right? It's worse than video games.

• Dr. Gregory House : I need a genetic disease.

  Dr. James Wilson : I'm sure you're carrying a few.

• Dr. Gregory House : There's more than one baby in the sea. World is full of teenage boys riding bareback.

• Dr. Gregory House : Looks like this kid thing is really working out for you: all of the shopping, none of the stretch marks.

• Dr. Gregory House : Sleeping Beauty has a jones for Snow White.

• Dr. Gregory House : It's good news. The great news is she insisted that she's not gonna change her mind, which means she's actually thought about changing her mind, which means she's not sure she's ready to be a mom, which means she's not ready to be a mom, which means she's gonna change her mind, the only question is when.

• Dr. James Wilson : I've just given you the answer, haven't I? And now you're going to walk out of here without saying a word.

  Dr. Gregory House : [walking out the door]  Nope.

• Dr. Gregory House : Why the hell haven't you come to talk to me about Cuddy? I've been doing all sorts of insane stuff.

  Dr. James Wilson : If she can't handle your insanity, she can't handle a baby.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Thirty-seven-year-old male with recurring blackouts.

  Dr. Gregory House : Tell him to switch from tequila to bourbon. Worked for me.

• Dr. Gregory House : [about newborn]  Mazel tov. Now it's time to say those magic words you'll be telling her for the rest of her life - mommy's gotta go to work...

• Dr. Gregory House : Treatment tends to be hit and miss once you reach the sweating blood stage.

• Dr. Gregory House : Guy's bleeding out of his pores. What does that tell us? Other than that you don't want to play basketball against him and he's dying?

• Dr. Gregory House : I need your advice.

  Dr. James Wilson : It's not cancer.

  Dr. Gregory House : Wow! Can you remove spleens with your mind too?

• Dr. Gregory House : Everyone's happy until they unwrap that pretty present and find they got a wall clock in the shape of Africa.

• Dr. Gregory House : Decisions are never made in a vacuum.

• Dr. Gregory House : There's no unconditional love, it's just unconditional need. Don't make this child a victim of your biological clock.

• Dr. Gregory House : I'm sure the mom will be thrilled to hand her crack baby off to a doctor.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Stop pressuring her.

  Dr. Gregory House : Sorry. Daddy's perfectly healthy, but we want you to give him a kidney anyway because it'd be cool if he had three.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Why do you even care? It's not like I'm ever going to ask you to babysit.

  Dr. Gregory House : I'm a humanitarian.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Let me guess. I'm gonna tell her not to play ball in the house, but she's not gonna listen.

  Dr. Gregory House : No, actually, I was going for "She sneaks her boyfriend in while you're sleeping and he wants to do it on the desk." And at first she says no, but she has issues with self-esteem.