- Paul Rudd: And, now, I'm here, eleven days after the... election has ended, and... you know, I just don't feel the heat. It's a little bit, kind of, like, you know, being in Times Square on New Year's, uh, day. Kind of after everyone's gone home, and there's... garbage on the ground.
- Weekend Update Anchor: Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24 inch television set from a store. The man said he would have paid for it, but he couldn't reach his wallet.
- Weekend Update Anchor: [audience laughs politely] No? How about this: Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24 inch television set from a store. Man, how lazy are employees when they don't stop a guy from kicking a TV out the front door?
- Weekend Update Anchor: [bigger laugh] One more? Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24 inch television set from a store, ah, the old no finger discount.
- Weekend Update Anchor: [turns to other camera] Last week, the state of Callifornia passed...
- Weekend Update Anchor: [turns back to previous set up] Police in Germany say that a man with no arms stole a 24 inch television set from a store, police said that it was an easy arrest as the suspect was unarmed.
- [big applause and laughter]