- Dad: You want to be treated like a man then start acting like one!
- Hepcat: I didn't tell you I quit the football team because I didn't think you'd understand my poetry.
- Dad: Again with the car... I work damn hard to put food on the table!
- Hepcat: Because I like my friends, dad. And I don't care if you think they're from the wrong side of the tracks.
- Dad: OK, so I had an affair! Are you gonna torture me for the rest of my life over it?
- Hepcat: Ricky died in a plane crash, dad!
- [holding back tears]
- Hepcat: I'm not my older brother.
- Dad: Get the hell out of here!
- Hepcat: With pleasure!
- Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, in just 20 seconds Bill Anderson of Phoenix, Arizona, will have set a new world record for sitting on a couch and talking about the movie "Paris, Texas".
- Announcer: Next week on "Lt. Saul Bitterson: Miraculous Fetishist of the US Navy"...
- Ben: [a big explosion shakes the battleship] We've been hit! Quickly, drop this potted plant on my foot and then bite my ass!