The Happytime Murders (2018)

Bill Barretta: Phil Philips, Junkyard, Boar

Photos 

Quotes 

• Phil Philips : I never knocked a guy out with his own balls before.

• Phil Philips : Do you have the latest issue of Puppet Pussy Party?

• Phil Philips : If shit gets crazy I'm gonna go crazy as shit.

• Agent Campbell : I'll have your badge for this! I'm in the fuckin' FBI!

  Phil Philips : Oh yeah what's that stand for, "fuckin' big idiot?"

• Phil Philips : Hey, look! It's the NRA!

• Phil Philips : [getting beaten on by two inmates]  You know I have no bones, right? You're basically fluffing a pillow here.

• Phil Philips : It's over, Sandra.

  Sandra : What are you gonna do, shoot me?

  Phil Philips : I messed up, Sandra. I missed the shot, and I ruined all of our lives in the process, and I live with that guilt every day. I'm sorry.

  Sandra : That's so sweet. But go fuck yourself.

  Phil Philips : Larry and Jenny didn't have anything to do with this. None of them did. Why'd you have to keep killing the whole gang?

  Sandra : I wanted to watch you suffer. This all started as revenge, but you made me realize I like killing. And I'm really fucking good at it. Like, Manson-level good. And now, with $10 million, I can do anything.

  Phil Philips : All right, so you're a psycho.

  Sandra : Maybe, but sex is always better with a psycho. Right, honey?

  Jenny : Yeah, especially felt ones.

  Sandra : Because our vaginas are literally velvet.

• Connie Edwards : [Phil shoots Sandra to save her life]  Shit, Phil! That took you long enough, but...

  [clapping] 

  Connie Edwards : Oh.

  [whooping] 

  Connie Edwards : Oo-hoo-hoo! You finally did it, Phily! Attaboy! That was a nice shot. Fuck.

  Phil Philips : You all right?

  Connie Edwards : Yeah, I'm fine. You did good.

  Phil Philips : Yeah. You, too, kid.

  Connie Edwards : God, it's very hard to pull off all white like that.

  Phil Philips : What?

  Connie Edwards : I got to give her that.

  Phil Philips : Oh, Jesus Christ.

• Connie Edwards : Look, if we want to get you off the hook for this, we gotta take down Sandra White.

  Phil Philips : All right. What are you thinking, partner?

  Connie Edwards : I am thinking about busting your ass out of here. Okay.

  Phil Philips : What are you gonna do?

  [she takes out her gun] 

  Phil Philips : Wait, what are you doing?

  Connie Edwards : [shooting him]  I'm gonna shoot you in the arm.

  Phil Philips : You *did* shoot me in the arm!

• Agent Campbell : Word on the street is that you did okay.

  Lt. Banning : Okay? Phil Philips is a goddamn hero.

  Phil Philips : Oh, no, no, no, Edwards is the hero. I just got a lucky shot off.

  Connie Edwards : Come on.

  Agent Campbell : No hard feelings?

  Phil Philips : Well, no, I still think you're an asshole.

  Connie Edwards : Asshole says what?

  Agent Campbell : What?

  Connie Edwards : [laughing with Phil]  I said, "Asshole says what?". And you said...

  Phil Philips : And you said, "What?".

  Connie Edwards : 'Cause you're an asshole.

  Phil Philips : Yeah.

  Agent Campbell : What?

  Connie Edwards : [laughing again]  Every time.

  Phil Philips : Yeah.

  Connie Edwards : Always works on assholes.

• Phil Philips : You can't actually like me for these murders.

  Agent Campbell : We like you very much for these murders.

  Phil Philips : What's my motive?

  Agent Campbell : The reason most men do stupid things. A woman.

  [he turns the lights off and a one-way mirror to an adjacent room opens] 

  Agent Campbell : Enjoy the show.

  Phil Philips : [seeing Sandra inside]  What the hell is she doing here?

  Connie Edwards : Who is that?

  Phil Philips : It's Sandra White. She's one of my clients.

  Lt. Banning : Actually, her name is Sandra Peterson. She walked into the federal building this morning and said you murdered her wife, Jenny Peterson.

  Phil Philips : Hey, I didn't murder anybody.

  Connie Edwards : I didn't know Jenny was even married.

  Phil Philips : Neither did I.

  Lt. Banning : [turning on the intercom]  Let's listen in.

  Sandra : Well, he said that he killed them. The entire Happytime Gang, even his own brother.

  Phil Philips : What?

  Agent Campbell : And why would he do that?

  Sandra : We've been having an affair, and he wanted to run away together. He said he killed them all so that I would get my wife Jenny's share, and then I'd be rich, and he could have me all to himself.

  Phil Philips : I should have kept my fuzzy blue in my pants.

• Jenny : Drop it, Phil.

  Phil Philips : You definitely look hotter than the last time I saw you.

  Sandra : You fell for every trap. Men are so stupid.

  Jenny : Drop that gun, Phil. I don't wanna hurt you.

  Phil Philips : No, you just wanna use me, like Sandra used you.

  Jenny : You don't know what you're talking about.

  Phil Philips : Oh, come on, Jenny. She seduced you and married you just to get to me.

  Sandra : Shoot him, baby.

  Jenny : I don't know, babe. It's, like, he's not gonna sprout wings and fly after us. I think we should just get on the plane and take off. We're free and clear already.

  Phil Philips : Jenny, Jenny, listen to me, listen to me. 12 years ago, I took an innocent man's life. That man was Sandra's father.

  Sandra : [whacking Sandra upside the head with a suitcase]  By the way, I want a divorce.

• [last lines] 

  Phil Philips : [narrating]  Maybe puppets do have a chance for a happy ending. Happy ending? Jesus, I still can't get that squirting cow out of my head.

• Connie Edwards : I know I didn't have your back before, but I had no juice to do it with, and now I do. The "Happytime" murders aren't about the money. 20 years ago, when you shot that man in front of his daughter, that little girl was Sandra White.

  Phil Philips : Holy shit.

  Connie Edwards : Yeah, holy shit.

  Phil Philips : So you have proof?

  Connie Edwards : Yes and no. We had proof until it was incinerated.

  Phil Philips : Hmm.

  Connie Edwards : Bubbles and I may have accidentally, uh, burned down the evidence.

  Phil Philips : What?

  Connie Edwards : But, boy, before that, I'll tell you what, lock her up.

  Phil Philips : Well, that would've been great, huh?

  Connie Edwards : Would have been epic.

  Phil Philips : Would have been nice.

  Connie Edwards : Yeah.

  Phil Philips : See you at my execution.

• Agent Campbell : Freeze, Philips!

  Phil Philips : You guys got this all wrong. The killer's getting away.

  Agent Campbell : Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!

  Phil Philips : Okay, I'm dropping it.

  Connie Edwards : [seeing the stand-off]  Oh, shitcakes.

  Agent Campbell : Edwards! Drop the weapon!

  [she starts to lower it] 

  Agent Campbell : Put the weapon down! Drop the weapon!

  Connie Edwards : I did!

  Agent Campbell : Now!

  Connie Edwards : What? Somebody wanna help out Stevie Ray Vaughan here? 'Cause he's obviously fuckin' blind.

  Agent Campbell : Stevie Ray Vaughan is not blind.

  Phil Philips : Jesus Christ.

  Connie Edwards : Asshole says what?

  Agent Campbell : What?

• Bubbles : You know, you gave me quite a scare there. I thought I was gonna lose you.

  Phil Philips : Sweetheart, you're never gonna lose me. Bubbles, hey, you know, I was thinking...

  Bubbles : You were?

  Phil Philips : Yeah. They broke the mold when they made you.

  Bubbles : They did?

  Phil Philips : And I'd like to take you out to dinner, you know, someplace special.

  Bubbles : You mean, like, on a date?

  Phil Philips : Yeah. Like a date.

• Sandra : Stop right there!

  Phil Philips : Oh, what the fuck? Ewards! You all right?

  Connie Edwards : [with a gun to her head]  It's deja fucking vu, Phil.

  Phil Philips : Oh, no, no, no. Oh, fuck me, it's a gun to the head. How'd she get the drop on you?

  Connie Edwards : 'Cause she's like a fuckin' spider monkey.

  Phil Philips : Damn! She got me that way, too.

• Lt. Banning : Good work, you two. I knew you had it in you.

  Phil Philips : Oh, thanks, Lieutenant.

  Lt. Banning : Edwards, you're off suspension.

  Connie Edwards : Thanks, Lieu.

  Lt. Banning : And, Phil, I talked to the captain, and he put in a motion with the mayor's office to permanently repeal the Philips Code.

  Phil Philips : What?

  Lt. Banning : I know it's early, but... what the heck?

  [offering Phil his police shield] 

  Lt. Banning : I've had this sitting in my desk, waiting for this day.

  Phil Philips : Wow.

  Connie Edwards : How about that? Far be it from me to compliment you, but you're the best damn cop I've ever seen.

  Phil Philips : Oh, well, you're no bag of shit, either.

  Connie Edwards : Well, you're a real fucking poet, aren't you? You asshole.

  Lt. Banning : You are both equally not bags of shit. In fact, when you're working together, you're two peas in a little fucked-up pod.