The Other Guys (2010)

Will Ferrell: Allen Gamble

Photos 

Quotes 

• Terry Hoitz : No, I don't like you. I think you're a fake cop. The sound of your piss hitting the urinal, it sounds feminine. If you were in the wild, I would attack you, even if you weren't in my food chain. I would go out of my way to attack you. If I were a lion and you were a tuna, I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you and then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.

  Allen Gamble : OK, first off: a lion, swimming in the ocean. Lions don't like water. If you placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that make sense. But you find yourself in the ocean, 20 foot wave, I'm assuming off the coast of South Africa, coming up against a full grown 800 pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends, you lose that battle, you lose that battle 9 times out of 10. And guess what, you've wandered into our school of tuna and we now have a taste of lion. We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated and said 'You know what, lion tastes good, let's go get some more lion'. We've developed a system to establish a beach-head and aggressively hunt you and your family and we will corner your pride, your children, your offspring.

  Terry Hoitz : How you gonna do that?

  Allen Gamble : We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp. We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen. It's not gonna be days at a time. An hour? Hour forty-five? No problem. That will give us enough time to figure out where you live, go back to the sea, get some more oxygen, and stalk you. You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and out-manned.

  [pause] 

  Allen Gamble : Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go? Nope.

• Allen Gamble : At age 11, I audited my parents. Believe me, there were some discrepancies, and I was grounded.

• Allen Gamble : Gator's bitches better be using jimmies!

• Allen Gamble : [Hoitz and Gamble barely survive an explosion]  I can't hear! I can't hear! There's blood blisters on my hands! Oh, my God! How do you walk away in a movie without flinching when it explodes behind them? There's no way! I call bullshit on that! When they flew the Millennium Falcon outside of the Death Star, and it was followed by the explosion, that was bullshit!

  Terry Hoitz : Don't you dare badmouth Star Wars! That was all accurate!

• Allen Gamble : Hey, I didn't know you can dance.

  Terry Hoitz : We used to do those dance moves to make fun of guys when we were kids to show them how queer they were, okay.

  Allen Gamble : You learned to dance like that sarcastically?

  Terry Hoitz : Yeah, I guess.

• Allen Gamble : [sung in a bar with several Irishmen]  I gave my love to Erin/She promised to be true/I went to war to come back/And find five British soldiers/Had their way with her/It was consensual

  [later after talking to Terry] 

  Allen Gamble : And all their fathers were hanged/And the children all got pink eye/While their Harry Potter books were burned.

• Allen Gamble : Hey, Terry, I did it! I did my first desk pop!

  [Fosse and Martin roar with laughter] 

  Allen Gamble : It's a real thing, right?

  Terry Hoitz : A desk pop?

  Allen Gamble : Yeah.

  Terry Hoitz : No, that's not real!

  Allen Gamble : They were so convincing in their argument, they swung me.

• Allen Gamble : [In gator voice]  Gator needs his gat you punk ass bitch.

• Terry Hoitz : Your farts aren't manly.

  Allen Gamble : Are you serious?

  Terry Hoitz : They sound like a baby blowing out birthday candles.

• Terry Hoitz : We're gonna do 'good cop, bad cop'. Okay? It's the oldest game in the book for a reason - it works. I come strong, then you come in. You got it?

  Allen Gamble : Yeah.

  Terry Hoitz : I come strong, then you come in.

  Allen Gamble : Right. Got it.

  Terry Hoitz : [to Ershon]  Now you listen to me, you piece of shit! It's just you and me, and I'm gonna rip you apart! How did you cover your losses up? Huh? What drug cartel are you working with now?

  David Ershon : Okay, I'll talk to you,

  [pointing at Allen] 

  David Ershon : you're reasonable!

  Terry Hoitz : [shaking him]  No-no, look at me!

  Allen Gamble : Yeah? You wanna talk to me?

  [pushes Terry away and storms on Ershon] 

  Terry Hoitz : Allen, what are you doing?

  Allen Gamble : [yells at Ershon]  I'm gonna make you eat a plate of human shit!

  [runs around smashing his office] 

  Allen Gamble : [next scene, Allen and Terry are walking outside]  Look, I'm really sorry about that. I just... I saw how aggressive you were being, and I thought 'Wow, I gotta go even bigger than that since we're doing 'Bad cop, bad cop'.

  Terry Hoitz : What? No, I said 'Good cop, bad cop'. I'm the bad cop, you're the good cop.

  Allen Gamble : Okay, then there it is. That's it. I thought you said 'Bad cop, bad cop'.

• Terry Hoitz : What is this?

  Allen Gamble : It's my car; it's a Prius.

  Terry Hoitz : I feel like we're literally driving around in a vagina.

• Terry Hoitz : [Hoitz telling Gamble his duck joke]  Little boy on his 13th birthday, it's time to get laid.

  Allen Gamble : Already feels inappropriate.

  Terry Hoitz : So he goes to the lady at the barn and says, "Miss, I know you usually want money, but I don't have any money. It's my birthday, do you think I could have sex with you for this duck?"

  Allen Gamble : Was he a farmer? Because that's probably a health code violation to bring a duck into a place of prostitution.

  Terry Hoitz : They weren't going to have sex with duck!

  Allen Gamble : No, I just mean a health code violation to have the duck brought into a facility like that.

  Terry Hoitz : So anyway, she says "Yes, I'll do it." So he goes in there and gives it to her.

  Allen Gamble : He gives her what?

  Terry Hoitz : The high hard one, and she loves it! So she goes, "If you do that again, I'll give you your duck back". So he gets laid twice for free!

  Allen Gamble : I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. So the duck is payment for sexual intercourse?

  Terry Hoitz : Yes, he used it as payment and now he's getting paid back the duck. He says, "Oh my God this is the greatest birthday ever!" He does it again. Now he's walking home, right?...

  Allen Gamble : So she was satisfied with the duck as currency?

  [Nods his head] 

  Allen Gamble : Okay.

  Terry Hoitz : So he's walking home, and can't wait to get home to tell his father. So he's walking down the street with the duck, and all of a sudden, 'Vroom!' A truck comes by and runs over his duck! Kills the duck!

  Allen Gamble : Kills the duck? So the duck is now dead?

  Terry Hoitz : The duck is dead! The kid starts crying, the truck driver stops, he's all upset, he didn't mean-.

  Allen Gamble : [Interrupts]  Of course he's crying, he's a 13 year old boy who just had sex twice and just watched his beloved duck die. So far I don't see how this is ever going to be funny.

  Terry Hoitz : The guy feels so bad about killing the duck so he gives him two dollars.

  Allen Gamble : And the kid's happy with the two bucks?

  Terry Hoitz : He's ecstatic! He got laid twice and now he's got two dollars on top of it!

  Allen Gamble : Seems like a duck would be worth a lot more than two dollars.

  Terry Hoitz : Well this was awhile back. So he goes home and his dad says "What happened, what happened? Tell me, tell me!" He goes, "Dad, I got a fuck for the duck, I got a duck for the fuck, and I got two bucks for a fucked up duck!"

  Allen Gamble : So it's like a limerick.

  Terry Hoitz : You didn't think that was funny?

  Allen Gamble : I thought it was entertaining at the end, sure. The way all the words were put together, but in terms of content? No.

  Allen Gamble : [sighs]  Get the check.

• Terry Hoitz : You feel that, Allen? Huh? That tingling in your balls? Big metal butterflies fluttering around your stomach?

  Allen Gamble : Are you sure you don't have testicular cancer?

  Terry Hoitz : I got something to get you going.

  [plays a hardcore song on the car stereo] 

  Terry Hoitz : Let's go do some damage!

  Allen Gamble : Nope.

  [switches it to a lyrical song] 

  Terry Hoitz : What the hell is that?

  Allen Gamble : LRB. Little River Band.

  Terry Hoitz : This music makes me feel like I'm going shopping for a training bra.

• Allen Gamble : [while Hoitz is holding him at gunpoint]  You won't shoot me.

  Terry Hoitz : I shot Jeter!

  Allen Gamble : That was an accident!

  Terry Hoitz : Was it? Now move.

• Dr. Sheila Gamble : Allen, I'm pregnant.

  Allen Gamble : Whose baby is that? Who's the man who did that to you?

• Roger Wesley : There are three things I love in this world: Kylie Minogue, small dimples just above a woman's buttocks...

  Allen Gamble : Beautiful features.

  Roger Wesley : And the fear in a man's eye when he know's I'm about to hurt him.

• Captain Gene Mauch : You know what, I'm going to hang onto the wooden gun.

  Allen Gamble : To give me back my real gun?

  Captain Gene Mauch : No. I'm going to give you this... It's a rape whistle. You blow that if you're in any trouble, and someone with an actual gun will come and help you out.

  [Quietly blows the whistle] 

• Allen Gamble : [Terry picks up his computer screen and throws it on the floor]  What are you doing?

  Terry Hoitz : We just handed all of our evidence over to the bad guy's lawyer!

  Allen Gamble : [In his Gator voice]  Are you a big man? Huh? I'm talkin' to you!

  Terry Hoitz : [All confused]  What?

  Allen Gamble : Do you wake up in the mornin' and say, "I'm puttin on my big boy pants. Look, I'm wearin' a belt. I got big boy pants on."

  [stomps on broken screen] 

  Allen Gamble : We don't do that shit!

  Terry Hoitz : Stop! Stop it man, you're scarin' the shit outta me man, stop it!

  Allen Gamble : Is this how you conduct yourself... in a democracy?

• [over the phone] 

  Captain Gene Mauch : Wait a minute, wait a minute. How many times have I explicitly told you, lay off Ershon?

  Allen Gamble : [to Terry]  Terry, how many times has Captain told us to stay off the Ershon case?

  Terry Hoitz : Twice.

  Allen Gamble : [to Gene]  Terry says twice, I agree.

• Martin : Look at these two jamokes, would ya? One shot Jeter and the other shot an office.

  [Fosse guffaws] 

  Fosse : Have some decorum, we're at a funeral. Shhh.

  Fosse : You wanna dance Brolio? Huh? I will rock your body with big nasty hooks, you'll be pissin' blood outta your ass.

  Allen Gamble : That's horrible.

  Terry Hoitz : Why don't you step back, man. You touch him, I swear to god I'm gonna beat the shit out of you with Allen's head.

  Allen Gamble : He's not gonna do that, that's hyperbole, but that's a weird example.

• Terry Hoitz : What the hell are you doing?

  Francine : I'm dancing, Terry. What the hell are you doing here?

  Terry Hoitz : I love you, Francine. If you were with me, you wouldn't be here in this strip club, shaking it for dollar bills!

  Francine : This is a ballet studio, Terry, okay? These poles are horizontal.

  Allen Gamble : He loves you very much, Francine.

  Francine : Who is this guy?

  Terry Hoitz : What are you doing here, Allen?

  Allen Gamble : It's the code, I'm your partner. I'm here to support a friend and a work colleague.

• Mama Ramos : Hello, Allen.

  Allen Gamble : Hello Mama Ramos, what are you doing out here?

  Mama Ramos : Sheila says she doesn't know what happened, but she wants you back.

  Allen Gamble : Ohh...

  Mama Ramos : She also says... she wants you on top of her... holding her hair and riding her like a bucking bronco while she... sucks your thumb and says, "Mommy likey."

  Allen Gamble : You... you tell your daughter...

  Mama Ramos : [In house]  He said he'll always love you and he's so happy that you're having his child.

  Dr. Sheila Gamble : Oh. Allen...

  Mama Ramos : He also says... that he wants you to stare into each other's eyes without blinking while you do it...

  Dr. Sheila Gamble : I love when we do that, Mom.

  Mama Ramos : ...and then afterward... lick the sweat off each other. I don't want to do this. You say things that are too personal.

  Dr. Sheila Gamble : OK, but just one more thing...

  Mama Ramos : [Out on street]  She says she loves you, and wants to hold your hand, and have iced tea with you.

  Allen Gamble : Come on, that's not all she said.

  Mama Ramos : No. She says other things. But I don't want...

  Allen Gamble : Please, please, please. You don't realize, I may be killed tomorrow.

  Mama Ramos : OK. She says she wants to unplug all the clocks... and the phones... and have a three-day sex marathon.

  Allen Gamble : That's more like it, yeah.

  Mama Ramos : She wants to walk wrong for a week... because you guys did it so hard.

  Allen Gamble : That's just lovely.

  Mama Ramos : [In house]  No more! He says things I can't say! It involves a mannequin hand... and an electric shaver... taped to a golf club!

• Allen Gamble : This is all the evidence we have, and I, I truly hope you take this seriously.

  Don Beaman : Yes! Very much so.

  Allen Gamble : From everything I've heard, you guys are the best at these types of investigations... Outside of Enron... and AIG; and Bernie Madoff; WorldCom, Bear Stearns, Lehman Brothers...

  Don Beaman : O-Okay. Thank you. Thank you, Detective.

• Allen Gamble : [Steps on gas pedal]  America!

  Terry Hoitz : [Car crashes into the crime scene]  Did you yell 'America' when you hit the accelerator?

  Allen Gamble : Nope. No, no. I've never actually put my foot all the way down to the ground with the accelerator like that. It got me slightly aroused.

• Allen Gamble : One day I'll get you over that wall of anger, and it will be glorious!

• Bob Littleford : Hey, guys. There's a proxy vote for a big reinvestment of the pension coming up, so if you just wanna come by the old...

  Terry Hoitz : Damn it, Bob! Let me ask you something - what do you even do around here besides interrupt people?

  Bob Littleford : Well, I serve as treasurer to the union, I make a wicked pot of decaf...

  Terry Hoitz : Exactly! You're a worthless piece of shit!

  Bob Littleford : Probably right, Terry. That's why I feel so sad all the time. I'm gonna go for a walk.

  [leaves] 

  Bob Littleford : Bob!

  Allen Gamble : Say something!

  Terry Hoitz : Come on! Bob!

  [to Allen] 

  Terry Hoitz : I didn't mean it, all right? I'm upset.

• Allen Gamble : [In Gator voice]  Gator turns van's upside down like they in a crazy washing machine!

• Dirty Mike : How you fellas doin'? We about to have us a little screw party in this red Prius over here if you wanna join us.

  Allen Gamble : Hey, are you Dirty Mike and the Boys?

  Dirty Mike : How you know who we are?

  Allen Gamble : You left a note in that car!

  Terry Hoitz : [shows his badge]  Police, shithead.

  Dirty Mike : He's a copper, we gotta go. C'mon! Hey, grease it, boys! They're cops!

  [He and the Boys run off] 

  Allen Gamble : You turned my beautiful Prius into a nightmare!

  Dirty Mike : We are gonna have sex in your car! It will happen again!

• Allen Gamble : Mr Beaman? Mr Don Beaman?

  Don Beaman : It's Wesley. I know Ershon and Wesley...

  Allen Gamble : Look, there's a lot to live for in this life. A lot of great things, like soda pop, big fresh can of soda pop.

  Don Beaman : They do not care!

  Terry Hoitz : Give me this. I know how to talk to him.

  [into bullhorn] 

  Terry Hoitz : Listen, we all know you're a scumbag and nobody cares about you. Rotten piece of...

  Allen Gamble : [snatches it back]  That's worse than what I was saying.

  [into bullhorn] 

  Allen Gamble : I'm not gonna lie to you, Don. People down here are starting to murmur that you don't have the balls to do it.

  Don Beaman : I don't care!

  Allen Gamble : Yeah. I say you can do it. I mean, I don't want you to jump, I'm saying you have the capability. Oh look, he's flying!

• Allen Gamble : [points a gun at Terry]  Get in the car.

  Terry Hoitz : Come on, Allen, we both know it's wooden.

  Allen Gamble : [fires at the lamp]  Apartment pop! Now get in the car.

  Terry Hoitz : You're not gonna shoot me.

  Allen Gamble : Ok, I'll be honest. This is only the second time I've ever fired this.

  Terry Hoitz : So stop pointing it at me!

• Allen Gamble : I'm so tired of you getting angry, and yelling all the time, it's exhausting. I feel like I'm partners with the Hulk.

  Terry Hoitz : You want to know why I'm so angry all the time? Because the more I try to do right the more I screw things up.

• Allen Gamble : I was so drunk, I thought a tube of toothpaste was astronaut food.

• Terry Hoitz : Remember us, hotshot?

  David Ershon : Of course I do. Please, sit.

  [to his secretary] 

  David Ershon : Two of those Russian waters, please. No lime wedges, just cucumber.

  Terry Hoitz : Guess where we just came from? An explosion at your accounting office.

  David Ershon : Yes, that awful gas leak.

  Terry Hoitz : Gas leak? The only gas leak is the one coming out of your mouth right now.

  David Ershon : I just thank God no one was hurt or injured in a bad way. I absolutely abhor death.

  Terry Hoitz : Hey, Andrew Lloyd Webber, the jig is up, okay? We know it wasn't your security team that grabbed you. And we know you're targeting a big fish to cover losses. You talk or I beat you so it don't show no bruises.

  Allen Gamble : God, this water is good. Terry, have you tried the water?

  Terry Hoitz : Shut up, Allen.

• Allen Gamble : This meal is terrible... it tastes like roasted dog asshole. I asked myself, "Who would slow roast a dog's asshole and feed it to me?" You would.

• Allen Gamble : Whoa, your hair's soft!

  David Ershon : VO5 Hot Oil!

• Allen Gamble : I'm gonna break your hip.

• Allen Gamble : [to Sheila]  I'm gonna do you, grandpa style!

• Allen Gamble : [after explosion]  I just want to go somewhere and breastfeed!

• Allen Gamble : 9:15, let's have a great day everybody!

  Jimmy : Cut the shit!

• Allen Gamble : I think my line is being tapped. Do you remember where we did it on Halloween 3 years ago?

  Dr. Sheila Gamble : Yeah.

  Allen Gamble : Meet me there.

• Allen Gamble : I didn't need you to stick up for me, ok? I could've handled that myself.

  Terry Hoitz : Hey, don't flatter yourself. It's the partners' code. I had no choice.

• Allen Gamble : [both lie under the bed]  First off, I missed you.

  Terry Hoitz : What's going on?

  Allen Gamble : Did you hear what I said?

  Terry Hoitz : Fine, I kind of missed you too.

  Allen Gamble : Thank you.

• Dr. Sheila Gamble : You must be Terry. I'm sorry I've been hiding, honey, but this dinner was tricky.

  Terry Hoitz : Who are you?

  Dr. Sheila Gamble : I'm Dr. Sheila Gamble, his wife.

  Terry Hoitz : Come on, seriously. Who is that?

  Dr. Sheila Gamble : His old lady.

  Allen Gamble : Sweetie, it's a workstation.

  Dr. Sheila Gamble : Got it.

  Allen Gamble : And you come in here, dressed like a hobo, it's distracting.

  Dr. Sheila Gamble : I know you're working. I'm so sorry.

  Terry Hoitz : Come on, seriously.

  Allen Gamble : Come on, what?

  Terry Hoitz : Who is that?

  Allen Gamble : It's the old, uh... it's the old ball and chain.

  Dr. Sheila Gamble : Get over here.

  Allen Gamble : [she puckers up for a kiss]  Not... not right now.

  Dr. Sheila Gamble : Okay.

  Allen Gamble : Look, they're not all first-round picks, okay?

  Terry Hoitz : Come on, are you gonna tell me who that is?

• Dancer : Francine, is this guy bothering you?

  Terry Hoitz : Who's this, your new boyfriend? Great. You got a new boyfriend.

  Francine : He is my dance partner, Terry. Okay? I know that this is a big surprise, but there are other things in the world besides being a cop. Okay? Now if you will excuse me, I'm gonna dance.

  Terry Hoitz : Oh, you don't think I can do this shit? Huh?

  Francine : [he demonstrates]  Wo... that was surprisingly good, Terry.

  Terry Hoitz : I love you, Francine.

  Francine : You don't know what love is.

  Allen Gamble : He loves you very much, Francine!

  Francine : I-I heard it when he said it. Thank you.

  Terry Hoitz : You know what you're doing to me? You're killing me inside. And don't eyeball me, man! You running around with this crack-dealing drug addict?

  Francine : Terry!

  Allen Gamble : He does not approve of your behavior!

  Francine : Can you please go? And you, too, creepy guy standing in the door?

  Terry Hoitz : [leaving]  Let's go, Allen.

  Allen Gamble : I think we all experienced our own ballet today. The ballet of emotion and feelings.

  Francine : You're kind of making things worse.

• Allen Gamble : You don't think I'm a real cop, do you?

  Terry Hoitz : No, I don't. I've said that directly to your face numerous times. I was really honest about that.

• Captain Gene Mauch : Fellas, I'm sure you're, uh, familiar with the venerable D.A. Radford. He wanted to come out and pay us a visit.

  D.A. Radford : Hello, gentlemen.

  Allen Gamble : Hello, sir.

  Terry Hoitz : Hey.

  D.A. Radford : You know, I was talking to Gene here.

  Allen Gamble : He prefers Captain.

  D.A. Radford : [ignoring the correction]  Yes, well, I was talking to Gene here, and you know, it's funny. I don't know what you two have been up to, but I've been getting calls from people I don't ever get calls from. In the 40 years I've been enforcing the law, I've learned one thing: When that happens, stop.

  D.A. Radford : [to Mauch]  Gene, how's the family?

  Captain Gene Mauch : Good. Good, Louis. Thanks for asking. My son's bisexual.

  D.A. Radford : Tremendous.

  D.A. Radford : [to Gamble and Hoitz]  Gentlemen, do we understand each other? Cut the crap!

  Captain Gene Mauch : Will do.

• Allen Gamble : Hey, what are you doing here?

  Terry Hoitz : I come here when I have lady troubles, which means I come here every night.

• Terry Hoitz : [an attractive woman flirts with Allen]  What was that?

  Allen Gamble : What?

  Terry Hoitz : What? Dude, what is it with you and hot ladies? What's your secret?

  Allen Gamble : Honestly, I have no idea what you're talking about.

  Terry Hoitz : Tell me who you lost your virginity to.

  Allen Gamble : She actually became a TV actress. Heather Locklear.

  Terry Hoitz : What? Heather Locklear, what?

  Allen Gamble : You've heard of her?

  Terry Hoitz : Come on!

  Allen Gamble : She was much chubbier back then.

  Terry Hoitz : I don't get it. I really... I don't get it.

• Terry Hoitz : I don't get it, man. I just do not get it. I mean, that girl Christinith was seriously hot. Your wife is crazy hot. I mean, even that Brazilian security chick, she threw you a "do me" vibe. What is it with you and hot ladies?

  Allen Gamble : First off, my wife is cute, but she's not hot.

  Terry Hoitz : Dude, you're insane. Your wife is scalding hot.

• Allen Gamble : [facing a dangerous situation]  First things first, I gotta go see Sheila.

  Terry Hoitz : No way, it's too dangerous.

  Allen Gamble : Look, Terry, we don't know what's gonna happen to us tomorrow, but tonight, I need to make things right with Sheila.

  Terry Hoitz : All right, go. Go. Be careful.

  Allen Gamble : Thanks, I will.

  Terry Hoitz : Will you say hi to Sheila for me?

  Allen Gamble : Okay.

  Terry Hoitz : Okay. Tell her. Say Terry was asking about you. He wants to make sure you know that he'll be there for you if anything happens.

  Allen Gamble : Yeah.

  Terry Hoitz : Drop of a hat, I'm there.

  Allen Gamble : Look, it's starting to get a little weird, man.

  Terry Hoitz : If something happens to you, I need to be there to take care of her. All of her wants, her needs, and desires are now my responsibility.

  Allen Gamble : Why do you say it like it's a predetermined thing?

• Captain Gene Mauch : Do me a favor, don't go chasing waterfalls.

  Allen Gamble : Was that accidental, or were you trying to quote TLC on purpose?

  Captain Gene Mauch : I don't even understand the reference.

  Allen Gamble : You don't understand what you said?

  Captain Gene Mauch : I don't know what that is.

• Allen Gamble : [after explosion]  I need an MRI!

• Allen Gamble : [seeing a news report of their arrest of Ershon]  Financial profiling? That's crazy. He broke the law and we arrested him.

  Terry Hoitz : That wasn't a security team. He said, "Don't let these people take me." I mean, when you hear hooves, you think horses, not zebras.

  Allen Gamble : What about donkeys or deer? They have hooves. What about bovine creatures?

  [Terry glares in anger] 

  Allen Gamble : Were you just thinking to yourself "Fresh start"?

  Terry Hoitz : Yeah.

  Allen Gamble : Yeah. I could see it.

• Allen Gamble : Okay, so I put together a little bio, complete with pictures of David Ershon. I used, uh, Adobe Premiere. I like to do a little weekend editing. I recently just cut three minutes out of, uh, "Goodfellas".

  Frontline Narration App : David Ershon is currently the CEO of Ershon Consortium.

  Terry Hoitz : Who's that talking?

  Allen Gamble : It's the, uh, "Frontline" Narration App. It's only $0.99.

  Frontline Narration App : Ershon Consortium, current financial investments exceed $70 billion. His largest clients include Schering-Plough and Lendl Global.

  Terry Hoitz : Well, Lendl Global has those TV ads where I can't figure out what they do.

  Allen Gamble : Yeah, oil, media, healthcare. You've probably heard their jingle. "Lendel Global, we're in everything."

  Frontline Narration App : David Ershon is often found in the company of Judge Scalia...

  Terry Hoitz : Yeah.

  Frontline Narration App : ...and the lead singer of Maroon 5.

  Terry Hoitz : I mean, this guy could be connected to drug cartels, black market organ sales, human trafficking, all of it.

  Allen Gamble : How do you get that from anything I just said?

• Hal : Nobody leaves our house without making love to my wife!

  Terry Hoitz : Holy shit.

  Allen Gamble : Is that them?

  Terry Hoitz : Yeah!

  Allen Gamble : Oh, my God, they came out of nowhere!

  Terry Hoitz : Holy shit!

  Allen Gamble : They chased us 20 miles.

• Allen Gamble : David Ershon, you're under arrest for fraud, embezzlement, and in connection to the murder of Don Beaman.

  David Ershon : This is a bad idea.

  Bob Littleford : Hey, guys.

  Allen Gamble : Bob? What are you doing here?

  Bob Littleford : I-I'm investing. Do you remember we talked about that proxy vote a while back? This is what it was for.

  Terry Hoitz : Holy shit.

  Bob Littleford : It's a more aggressive investment strategy for the pension.

  Terry Hoitz : Allen! We're the suckers. They're targeting the police pension fund.

• David Ershon : How great is "Jersey Boys"?

  Allen Gamble : It's not great. It's fantastic! You totally undersold it. The pageantry, the costumes. Wow, what a musical.

• David Ershon : I lost a bunch of money from some people and now they want it back.

  Terry Hoitz : What about Don Beaman?

  David Ershon : Beaman knew that I had falsified my financials, so they sent Wesley to try and keep him quiet. He forced him at gunpoint to drink a bunch of gin and then forced him onto the ledge. It was only a matter of time before he fell.

  Allen Gamble : At least we stopped you from getting the pension fund.

  David Ershon : Well, but, yeah, but you didn't. It's already in my account. By 9:00 in the morning, it goes into the Lendl equity fund and from there it's transferred to a dozen offshore accounts. By 9:01, it's gone.

  Terry Hoitz : Well, what if we stop the transfer?

  David Ershon : But you can't. I mean, there's a...

  Allen Gamble : What if we stop the transfer?

  David Ershon : You'd have to be at Endemic Bank for 9:00 exactly, find the clerk, get the routing number.

  Allen Gamble : We gotta stop it.

  Terry Hoitz : There's no way. I mean, every cop, the crazy Australian and his crew, they'll all be after us.

  David Ershon : You could let me go and I'll give you $10 million each. It's not a bribe.

  Allen Gamble : Of course it's a bribe. You're offering us money to not do our job.

  David Ershon : It's not a bribe.

• Captain Gene Mauch : Hey, let me tell you something. As far as paperwork goes, we'll take care of it. You know why?

  Allen Gamble : Why?

  Captain Gene Mauch : Ain't too proud to beg.

  Allen Gamble : Oh, come on.

  Captain Gene Mauch : What?

  Allen Gamble : It's not funny anymore.

  Captain Gene Mauch : I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not trying to be funny.

  Allen Gamble : TLC references.

  Captain Gene Mauch : Still nothing. I swear to you.

• Terry Hoitz : There's one case, one case in a career where you go all in. This is it.

  Captain Gene Mauch : All right. Then you do us proud. 'Cause I don't want no scrubs.

  Allen Gamble : Really?

  Captain Gene Mauch : No.

  Allen Gamble : You're not aware that's a TLC song?

  Captain Gene Mauch : I have no idea what you're talking about.

  Allen Gamble : It's the second time.

  Terry Hoitz : You said chasing waterfalls, now you're saying you don't want no scrubs.

  Captain Gene Mauch : I don't even understand the reference.

  Allen Gamble : It's like a tic.

  Captain Gene Mauch : I have no idea what you're talking about.

• Fosse : Some of the guys were talking. Uh, they were like, "How come you've never fired your weapon in the office before?"

  Martin : Good point.

  Allen Gamble : I'm sorry, I-I don't follow.

  Fosse : You've never fired your weapon in the office.

  Martin : We all have, you know. It's called a desk pop.

  Allen Gamble : Fellas, look, I-I know you don't respect me as a police officer.

  Martin : Not true.

  Allen Gamble : I'm not stupid. I'm not gonna discharge my firearm in the office.

  Fosse : Bro, come on.

  Martin : Gamble, listen to me. I'll try to make it real clear. We honor the flag, and you crap on it when you don't shoot your gun in the office.

  Fosse : Jimmy, when's the last time you had a desk pop?

  Jimmy : September '08.

  Martin : Be a man. Do it.

  Fosse : Now.

  Martin : Please do it.

  Fosse : Pop one off!

  Martin : There you go. Pop it off!

  Fosse : Don't think, just go.

  Allen Gamble : Here we go.

  Martin : Do it, yes.

  Fosse : [laughing as Allen fires his weapon]  He did it!

• Terry Hoitz : You know what I just did? I just walked out that door, saw a couple of detectives and I was about to start bad-mouthing you behind your back, but I stopped myself because my pops taught me that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward.

  Allen Gamble : Wow, I actually appreciate that.

• Fosse : [Allen accidentally crashes his car into an active crime scene]  Way to put your stamp on the crime scene, guys. Prius, huh?

  Allen Gamble : Yep, yep.

  Martin : Good mileage?

  Allen Gamble : Oh, outstanding.

  Martin : Yeah. Did this come with a dental dam?

  Allen Gamble : No.

  Martin : Get it?

  Fosse : My Suburban shit one of these last night.

  Martin : I didn't know they put tampons on wheels.

• Terry Hoitz : [as Allen hums the theme from "S.W.A.T"]  Stop humming that song!

  Allen Gamble : I can hum if I want to.

  Terry Hoitz : No, I know you can. I'm asking you to stop.

  Allen Gamble : Well, if you're asking, then I'll stop.

  Terry Hoitz : Thank you.

  [seeing the grin on his face] 

  Terry Hoitz : Could you not smile like that?

  Allen Gamble : Now you're asking me to mask my emotions because of how it makes you feel. That, I will not do.

  Terry Hoitz : [he hums the theme from "I Dream of Jeannie"]  Seriously, stop humming! Okay? This isn't accounting or wherever the hell you and your little pocket calculator were transferred from.

  Allen Gamble : Forensic accounting, okay? And it's an important part of the job.

  Terry Hoitz : Yeah, whatever. Stop being so overtly happy about doing shit work, you moron.

• Allen Gamble : Look, if we're gonna do this together, there's some issues we need to settle, okay? I mean, you said I had a weak chin. You said the way I pee is feminine. How do you think that makes me feel? I mean, that-that list you have, you put a lot of thought in. It's weird.

  Terry Hoitz : I hear you. Let's clean the slate right now. Fresh start.

  Allen Gamble : [shaking hands]  All right. Fresh start. Maybe we should, uh, call ourselves the Febreze Brothers, 'cause it's feeling so fresh right now. Right?

  Terry Hoitz : Let's do another fresh start 'cause I just wanted to punch you in the face.

  Allen Gamble : [shaking hands again]  Fine, fresh start.

  Terry Hoitz : It's the last one.

  Allen Gamble : I have to be able to express myself and say things, you know.

• Allen Gamble : I think we've walked 30 blocks, man. I... I don't get why we can't just call the office and have a squad car come pick us up.

  Terry Hoitz : No. They took our shoes, our guns, and our car. There's no way that's going out on the radio.

• Allen Gamble : [as Gamble and Hoitz leaves Beaman's office in shame and disgrace]  Wow, Mauch was upset, huh?

  Terry Hoitz : Really? The only thing I had to proud of in my life was being a detective. That's all I had. Now, it's gone.

  Allen Gamble : I know. Well, you still got me.

  Terry Hoitz : Don't you get it? I don't want you, Allen. I never did. I told you that scaffolding violation was dogshit.

  Allen Gamble : I've can't believe you still doubt me after everything we've seen. It's a real case and I'm a real cop. We just got the wrong target for Ershwon.

  Terry Hoitz : You carry a rape whistle.

  Allen Gamble : This is real cop's work.

  Terry Hoitz : There is nothing about you that makes a man a man, ok? You've got no gun, no car, no wife, and now you've got no partner. Leave me alone!

  [Terry walks away from Allen in anger; "Season of the Witch", performed by Donovan, plays] 

  Narrator : A mutt case...

  Allen Gamble : [insulted]  Terry, I am a cop for your information, ok?

  Narrator : ...a broken partnership...

  Allen Gamble : [yells]  I'm a cop!

  Narrator : ...and getting busted down to a shitty assignment. Allen and Terry have hit the trifecta.

• Terry Hoitz : [At Beaman's office where Beaman committed suicide, investigating the crime scene]  Half empty bottle of Gin, chair knocked over. And look at this, it's a clear sign of a struggle. Make sure you get this, all right?

  Captain Gene Mauch : [to Gamble & Hoitz]  Detectives, all your work's done here. You can go.

  Allen Gamble : What about Ershwon targeting the lottery?

  Captain Gene Mauch : [shows pictures of Ershwon and a blond woman]  You know why Ershwon was calling down to the lottery offices all those times. It's because he was hooking up with the Powerball girl, the one on TV with all the number balls. Yeah, she filed a restraining order on him last week. It was right there in front of you guys the whole time.

  Allen Gamble : [shocked]  It can't be.

  Captain Gene Mauch : You guys are getting transfered.

  Allen Gamble : What?

  Captain Gene Mauch : [to Terry]  Traffic. Yeah, that's right.

  [to Allen] 

  Captain Gene Mauch : You, you're gonna walk a beat downtown.

  Allen Gamble : I...

  Captain Gene Mauch : You're gonna walk a beat downtown! It's done!

  [Gamble and Hoitz complains, but Mauch cuts them off] 

  Captain Gene Mauch : No. No, no. It's done. Save yourselves some gas.

  Terry Hoitz : [yells]  Captain!

  Allen Gamble : Is there an appeal process we can...

  Martin : Had to do what you had to do, Captain.

  Fosse : Ouch!

  Martin : [laughs]  Wow! That hurt.