- Emma Pillsbury: [after stopping Kurt in the hall] Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.
- Kurt Hummel: [Watching Emma drunkenly] Oh Bambi... I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy...
- [Bends down and throws up on Emma's shoes]
- Sue Sylvester: When Sandy said that he wanted to write himself in as Cleopatra, I was aroused, then furious.
- Finn Hudson: You know what we should do?
- Rachel Berry: Elope?
- Finn Hudson: What?
- Rachel Berry: Nothing.
- Finn Hudson: [to Rachel] You're the most talented person I know. Even more than that guy at the mall who can juggle chainsaws.
- Will Schuester: Hey, Em. Just trying to figure out the setlist for Saturday.
- Emma Pillsbury: I just got back from the emergency room. Had them give me four decontamination showers. I think they call that "the full Silkwood".
- Will Schuester: What happened?
- Emma Pillsbury: Kurt was drunk and he ralphed on me. Not really fessing up to how he got the booze just yet, but I'm pretty sure it's not a fake ID, because he looks like an eleven year old milkmaid.
- Will Schuester: Guys, I'd like to introduce you to someone very special. This is April Rhodes. She's our newest member.
- Finn Hudson: Wait, so old people can join Glee Club now?
- April Rhodes: Old, huh? You guys look like the world's worst Benetton ad.
- April Rhodes: So, did I sleep with you?
- Will Schuester: [taken aback] Um... I was a freshman when you were a senior.
- April Rhodes: ...So, did I sleep with you?
- Will Schuester: April is amazing. But she's not in the glee club anymore. It... I, uh... I screwed up bringing her here. It was about me, and Glee Club is supposed to be about you guys. You don't need her to be great.
- Mercedes Jones: But we need her for the second act.
- Will Schuester: I'll just have to go out there and tell them we had to cut the show short.
- [seeing how disappointed they are]
- Will Schuester: Hey, guys. You were great. Don't worry. There will be other performances.
- Rachel Berry: [entering] Excuse me? I think I might have a solution. In show business, when a star can't perform, her understudy steps in. I'd be happy to go in for April, if you'd let me.
- Mercedes Jones: Since when are you willing to be an understudy?
- Rachel Berry: Since I quit the play.
- Kurt Hummel: Really? Why?
- Rachel Berry: I realized being a star didn't make me feel as special as being your friend. If I'd let you down when you needed me the most, I'd never forgive myself. I know all the words to the song.
- Quinn Fabray: You don't know the choreography.
- Finn Hudson: Then we're gonna have to give her a lot of help out there.
- Will Schuester: Go get in your costume.
- Rachel Berry: Why didn't you tell me Quinn was pregnant?
- Finn Hudson: Who told you?
- Rachel Berry: Everybody knows but me. I'm the only fool who went out with you and let you kiss me, thinking you actually had feelings for me.
- Finn Hudson: But I... I do. Look, yeah, I haven't been totally honest with you, but that's different than lying. Well, maybe it's not that much different, but... but look, I need to get a music scholarship, so I can go to college, so I can get a good job so I can take care of my kid, and I can't do that if you don't come back to Glee Club. You should take it as a compliment.
- Rachel Berry: You could have just been honest with me.
- Finn Hudson: Look, I know what I did was wrong. I get that, but... that kiss was real.
- Rachel Berry: Whatever it was, it ruined any chance of me ever coming back to Glee. I hope you have fun playing house with Quinn while you languish in your little ensemble, but my dreams are bigger than that, and they're bigger than you.
- Will Schuester: Hey, can you give us the room, Rachel? We need to teach April the cues for "Don't Stop Believin'".
- Finn Hudson: Wait, she's singing the female lead?
- Rachel Berry: Wait, she's in the Glee Club? She's... ancient.
- April Rhodes: Talent doesn't age, sweetheart.
- April Rhodes: These high school boys are a lot hotter than they used to be. That Finn Hudson is one cutie pie I gots my eye on.
- Rachel Berry: Finn's taken, April.
- April Rhodes: Yeah, well, some guys like a little somethin'-somethin' on the side.
- Rachel Berry: I think your behavior is totally inappropriate, and your presence in this school is a complete travesty. What you choose to do with your life is your own business, but don't go around screwing up everyone else's.
- April Rhodes: I'm not afraid of you, sweetie. There was a time when I was the biggest star around here. And now that I've got that back... I'm never letting it go.
- Jacob Ben Israel: How does it feel to be just a sophomore and get the lead in the school musical?
- Rachel Berry: It's an honor. Frankly, one I feel I've earned. If there's anything I've learned in my sixteen years on the stage, it's that stars are rare, and when they're found, you have to let them shine.
- Jacob Ben Israel: [turning his recorded off] Show me your bra.
- Rachel Berry: You mean the one I'm wearing?
- Jacob Ben Israel: Quid pro quo, Rachel. If you want a good review, show me your over the shoulder boulder holder.
- Rachel Berry: No way. You can't do that. My performance will stand on its own. Besides, no one reads the school paper, anyway.
- Jacob Ben Israel: Oh, but I'll post my scathing review online. You'll be finished on the high school stage. Now get those sweater puppies out of their cashmere cage.
- April Rhodes: If you can master this, you can sneak anything out of a store between your knees. Shoes, prom dresses. I once got a cake out of a kid's birthday party with the candle still lit.
- Emma Pillsbury: Kurt? I know my solvents and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol...
- Kurt Hummel: [Kurt is drunk] Oh Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
- [suddenly throws up on Emma's feet]
- Emma Pillsbury: Kurt? I'm a woman who knows her solvents and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.
- Kurt Hummel: Oh, Bambi. I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
- Emma Pillsbury: Kurt, I'm a girl who knows her solvents, and your breath smells like rubbing alcohol.
- Kurt Hummel: Oh, Bambi, I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy.
- Sue Sylvester: When I heard Sandy wanted to write himself into a scene as Queen Kleopatra... I was aroused... then furious.