Valemont (2009) User Reviews

This movie/TV series bites/sucks! Bite me!

[Foreverisacastironmess123 · 1/10 · 9 September 2011]

One of the most no budget, repellently vain, horribly boring movies about vampires I've ever seen-although I did find this film to be far more up its own ass than the infamous Twilight. I say movie because I first saw this as a premiere on The Horror Channel, but it felt like there was something wrong with it. It felt very disjointed and kind of slapped together. And when I looked it up,(While watching it)what I learnt about what it originally was made everything make a lot more sense. So I guess I missed out on the whole internet/2 minute thing. Is that bad? Would I have enjoyed this movie at all had I viewed it that way? I doubt it, as it was very weak and ineffectual. I kept waiting for it to hit me. It was so horribly episodic, mish-mashed and diced up that I couldn't get into it at all. Nobody gives a crap about this garbage, no one's even bothered to review it saying how great it is. That's a testament to its lousiness right there. Wow!-mobile/cell phones!!! How current! How hot! How utterly hollow and meaningless...The whole mobile thing was vaguely interesting and different, but if you have no interest in the film in that way, it's kinda meaningless if you're just watching this thing as a movie. This film was SHAAAAALOW! Man, this film was pretentious! I mean normally that wouldn't bother me in a movie but yeeesh! It's not usually so glaringly, so arrogantly apparent as it is with this one. This film was so shallow it's shallowness had depth! Also I don't really care for the incarnations of the vampires on show here. To me, vampires should indeed be enchanting seductive and alluring, but they should also be wrathful and frightening, as they are supposed to be objects of horror, not desire. To all the lovers of these particular modern/hip/beautific incarnations I'm sorry, but I considered this film/TV series/2-minute download-whatever!!! to be a total loss. It was boring throughout, with not even good bits to recommend it. It wasn't fun, it wasn't interesting, and it wasn't scary. It was sexy, though. Oh yeah. Had that one in spades! I quite liked Nikki Blonsky as Poppi. She was one of the few characters who was fun and interesting to watch. I liked her character much more than Kristen Hager's. While I'm mentioning her, I thought that she was one of the movie's more bad actress's. It must have been hard for Nikki, being the only fat girl in a movie full of(Mostly)beautiful people. Not that she didn't have a pretty face. It sort of bugged me how loud, brash and colourful she was, you know? It was like if she was going to be the only big girl in this movie, then she had to be this big outrageous person just to fit in. It came over like: hey, nobody will notice my weight, cause' I so don't care and I'm oh so cool and bolshy! I did like her though. She reminded me of a very young Rikki, did Nikki(!) I've only seen her in this, although I have heard of the whole Hairspray thing. I hope to see more of her in the future. And what's this? Tyler Hynes is just f*****g beautiful isn't he? If anybody thought Tyler was good looking in this, I recommend you see him in a little 2005 movie called Mom At Sixteen. Tyler was pretty good in this, but I felt he was swallowed up by the film's stupid and bizarre set-up. Eric Balfour was great as always. I am a fan of that guy for life after his performance in Six Feet Under. I just love his name. Balfour...it sounds like some kind of demon prince or a fallen angel or something. Something dark anyway. Whenever I've seen him in something, Eric has always played someone dark, or troubled, or whatever. Playing a vampire fitted him like a glove. Anyway, his little mobile monologues were interesting, but I was glad to see that he got more action later on. He was pretty awesome as a vamp, doing his thing, looking handsome and cool just as he always does. But, sadly, again I felt that his performance was ruined by the movie along with most everyone else. Ooh! There was one bit in the film I really loved. It was when the crazy woman eats the cat. Hysterical! Cruel thing to find funny, I know, but I'll take a cheap laugh over no laugh at all...It felt weird to rate something that is unfinished, but hey, this effort was made in 2009, right? So I think it's safe to say that Valemont is never coming back. YES!!!

God this is AWFUL!

[Man99204 · 1/10 · 15 January 2016]

This is a "teen series" which features one of the blandest and least appealing casts in recent memory. The actors playing University Freshmen are, pardon the pun, a bit long in the tooth for these roles.

Imagine the Twilight franchise populated with polite Canadians, totally lacking in charm or any appeal. It is very hard to care about characters who are so insufferably bland and lacking in any sort of sex appeal...

This is not for the faint of heart.. you might hurt yourself... when you fall asleep from BOREDOM.

Pass this STINKEROO by...