- Leslie Knope: I would like to be president someday, so no, I've not smoked marijuana. I ate a brownie once at a party in college. It was intense. It was kind of indescribable, actually. I felt like I was floating. Turns out there wasn't any pot in the brownie. It was just an insanely good brownie.
- Leslie Knope: You're not from here, right?
- Tom Haverford: No, I'm from South Carolina.
- Leslie Knope: But you moved to South Carolina from where?
- Tom Haverford: My mother's uterus.
- Leslie Knope: But you were conceived in Libya, right?
- Tom Haverford: Wow. No. I was conceived in America. My parents are Indian.
- Leslie Knope: Where did the name Haverford come from?
- Tom Haverford: My birth name is Darwish Zubair Ismail Gani. Then I changed it to Tom Haverford because, you know, brown guys with funny-sounding Muslim names don't make it far into politics.
- Leslie Knope: What about Barack Obama?
- Tom Haverford: Okay, yeah, fine, Barack Obama. If I knew a guy named Barack Obama was gonna be elected president, yeah, maybe I wouldn't have changed it.
- Tom Haverford: [to camera] Whenever Leslie asks me for the Latin names of any of our plants, I just give her the name of rappers.
- Leslie Knope: And those over there?
- Tom Haverford: Uh, those are some Diddies. There's some Bonethugs and Harmoniums right there.
- Leslie Knope: Growing beautifully.
- Tom Haverford: Those Ludacrises are coming in great.
- Leslie Knope: Look, someone planted something new. What's this?
- [Touches a marijuana leaf]
- Leslie Knope: What do you think, carrots? If that's true, we have a garden pest on our hands.
- [Smells the leaf]
- Leslie Knope: Maybe some kind of spice?
- Tom Haverford: Yeah. You know, Leslie, the best way to figure out what kind of spice that is, is to roll it up in a joint and smoke it.
- Ron Swanson: I have a hernia. I've had it for a while. And I've been ignoring it... successfully, but this morning, I made the mistake of sneezing.
- [Flashback of Ron sneezing, then howling]
- Ron Swanson: But as long as I sit still and don't move my head, or torso, I'm good. I got this.
- Ann Perkins: I just wanna check one last time that you're okay about this date with Mark.
- [Pours coffee for Leslie, who is putting chocolate syrup in her cup at the same time]
- Leslie Knope: Oh my God, I am so fine with it, Ann, seriously. It's so fine! As long as you and I are cool. You know my code: hoes before bros. Uteruses before duderuses.
- [Leslie puts whipped cream atop her coffee]
- Ann Perkins: Got it.
- Leslie Knope: Ovaries before brovaries.
- [Eats whipped cream]
- Leslie Knope: You make such good coffee.
- Ann Perkins: Look, I know you're saying you're okay with it, but I've been in this position before, and I had a friend who dated an ex, and I said I was okay, but I wasn't actually. It was kind of weird.
- Leslie Knope: The thing is, Mark isn't my ex. You know, we slept together six years ago. Anyway, I 'm over it. Or am I? Just kidding.
- Ann Perkins: When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.