- Will Schuester: Guys, you know, it's come to my attention that many of you haven't been treating the young ladies of our group very nicely lately. You're disrespectful, bullying, sexist, and, I hate to say it, misogynistic.
- Finn Hudson: I have no idea what that means.
- Brittany: When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a "misogynist".
- [Will writes the name 'Madonna' on the white board]
- Will Schuester: What comes to mind when you see that name?
- Rachel Berry: Genius.
- Kurt Hummel: Icon.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Hall of fame MILF.
- Sue Sylvester: [while putting together a Madonna-inspired Cheerios routine] Somewhere in the English countryside, in a stately manor home, Madonna is weeping!
- Sue Sylvester: ...and, wow, I just lost my train of thought. You have so much margarine in your hair.
- Will Schuester: OK. First, of all my kids are doing Madonna. She's public domain and there is nothing you can do about it. Secondly, enough with the hair jokes. Oh, by the way, how's the Florence Henderson look working for you? Oh, maybe you should try a new setting on your FLOwbee!
- [walking away]
- Will Schuester: Oh, snap!
- Sue Sylvester: And here's the truth. I mercilessly pick on Will Shuester's lustrous, wavy hair because I am jealous. There, I said it.
- Sue Sylvester: As Madonna once said, I'm tough, I'm ambitious and if that makes me a bitch, that's what I am. Pretty sure she stole that line from Sue Sylvester. No, really. I said it first.
- Rachel Berry: I don't understand why you're doing this.
- Jesse St. James: Because when you love something, you've got to go for it. You'd never be with me completely if I was on the opposing team and I care about you more than winning another national title. So I left Vocal Adrenaline for you.
- Sue Sylvester: You wanted to see me?
- Emma Pillsbury: Um. Yeah. Thank you for coming. Please sit down.
- Sue Sylvester: No.
- Emma Pillsbury: Okay. Um. I was just wondering why Madonna was playing everywhere except my office.
- Sue Sylvester: Well, it's simple, Arlene. You don't deserve the power of Madonna. You have none of her self-confidence, her power over her body, or her sexual magnetism. Simply put, you have all the sensuality of one of those pandas down at the zoo who refuse to mate. I had your intercom disconnected.
- Will Schuester: Where have you been? I have been calling you all weekend.
- Emma Pillsbury: I was kind of embarrassed. I really wanted to go through with it, Will. You were so gracious and gentle and... handsome, and it felt so good to be close to you in that way. I just... I don't know why I always freak out that like that.
- Will Schuester: Stop. Stop, stop, stop. You don't need to sleep with me to prove anything. You took ownership of your body on Friday when you told yourself you weren't ready... and then ran out of my apartment with no shoes on.
- Emma Pillsbury: They're my favorites. Did you bring them?
- Will Schuester: I feel so bad, Emma. I've been working so hard trying to get the guys to start treating the girls with more respect, and I... I haven't been walking the walk. I never should have agreed to have you come over that night.
- Emma Pillsbury: I did kind of throw myself at you.
- Will Schuester: That is the point. All right, we're falling into a pattern here. We need to instant an official no dating policy until my divorce is final.
- Emma Pillsbury: Well, when will that be?
- Will Schuester: I filed today. So that's a start. But while we're waiting, I want you to get some help for your problems; we need to take action here. They're not gonna go away unless we do.
- [handing her a business card]
- Will Schuester: Now, our health union covers counseling. They'll come to the school, meet you in your office, whatever you need. And...
- [he places her shoes on the desk]
- Will Schuester: I polished them myself.
- Emma Pillsbury: [standing to leave] Thank you.
- Sue Sylvester: [Looks up sniffing] Oh, hey William. I thought I smelled cookies wafting from the ovens of the little elves who live in your hair.
- Will Schuester: Wow Sue. I'm really impressed.
- Sue Sylvester: Yeah well, Madonna is legend. I want my girls to learn all the lessons she has to offer. Strength. Independence. Nobody quite like the material girl to empower my Cheerios. Just like your hair dresser has empowered you to look absolutely ridiculous.
- Will Schuester: [undaunted and smiling] I'll see you later Sue.
- Jesse St. James: [flashback, making out with Rachel] We should do it.
- Rachel Berry: It?
- Jesse St. James: Totally. Haven't you ever done it before?
- Rachel Berry: No. Have you?
- Jesse St. James: [chuckles] What do you think? It's no big deal.
- Rachel Berry: It is for a girl!
- Sue Sylvester: I'm off to notify the Ohio secretary of state that I will no longer be carrying photo ID... because people should know who I am.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: I am not down with this. I like being a dude.
- Finn Hudson: That's because it's easy to be a dude.
- Noah 'Puck' Puckerman: Uh, Mr. Schue, I think we're gonna need a new baritone, 'cause Finn would like to become Finnessa.
- Will Schuester: Wait, h... hold on, Puck. Finn has a point. I mean, haven't you noticed how low morale has been around here lately?
- Artie Abrams: I have. I think the way I was objectifying Tina may have sent her over the edge.
- [flashback]
- Artie Abrams: Hey, girl.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: My eyes are up here! I am a person with feelings! Get out of my grill! I am a powerful woman, and my growing feminism will cut you in half like a righteous blade of equality!
- [return to real time]
- Finn Hudson: We've been treating the girls like crap; not caring about their feelings, not listening, objectifying. That's the right word, right, Mr. Schue?
- Will Schuester: That's right.
- Finn Hudson: Objectifying.
- Kurt Hummel: As an honorary girl, I have to agree. This team shouldn't work, but it does because we respect each other's talent. And if we want to take it to the next level, we have to start respecting each other as individuals. Really see each other. Why were you singing with us, Mr. Schue?
- Will Schuester: Because, apparently... I need to learn that lesson.
- Artie Abrams: I would get down on one knee if I could.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: Why would you propose to me? You don't even like me.
- Artie Abrams: Stop. That's where you're wrong. I was really rude to you. You're awesome. And you shouldn't change unless you want to. And if you want to get up on this, just let me know.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: Yep. That's more like it.
- Rachel Berry: If you're gonna criticize and mock me again about Jesse, you can can it.
- Finn Hudson: I wanted to apologize. The only reason you were even open to dating Jesse was because I was such an ass. Mr. Tough Guy and all that. I really liked you. And I could have had you, but I blew it.
- Rachel Berry: [touched] You really liked me?
- Jesse St. James: [entering] Okay, Finn. I know we have a big showdown coming, so let's just decide on the arena. Sing-off, the parking lot, 5:00. Be there.
- Rachel Berry: [worried] No.
- Finn Hudson: [offering a handshake] Welcome to New Directions. Frankly, I need you. I'm tired of carrying the male vocals all by myself.
- [he and Jesse shake hands]
- Finn Hudson: I'll do my best to stay away from your girl.
- Jesse St. James: I appreciate that. She's a keeper.
- Finn Hudson: What the hell? It seems like now everybody's doing things just to hurt my feelings.
- Jesse St. James: I thought you all would take this news a little better. I'm a star. You can learn from me.
- Kurt Hummel: We were already fighting for second leads. And now that you've shown up, I've lost all hope of ever getting a solo.
- Santana Lopez: He's a spy, Mr. Schuester. I would know.
- Will Schuester: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. I saw all the paperwork, I spoke with his parents.
- Jesse St. James: They winter in Bali. It's a very expensive phone call.
- Will Schuester: Jesse just moved in with his uncle, which is in our school district. It's all above board, guys. He goes to this school now.
- Artie Abrams: But this isn't fair.
- Will Schuester: Guys! Everyone who's ever auditioned for this group has gotten in. That's how we do things here. Okay? To suddenly change the rules now, that would be unfair.
- Sue Sylvester: Here's a list of the kids I want shipped off to New York with thirty-five bucks in their pocket. Operation Madonna is now complete.
- Principal Figgins: Sue, these are all Glee kids.
- Sue Sylvester: Yep.
- Principal Figgins: Um... I... I'm sorry, Sue. I'm having trouble concentrating. Your new look is...
- Sue Sylvester: [wearing a copy of Madonna's cone-cup bra over her tracksuit] Fantastic. Yeah, I agree.
- Principal Figgins: Unncessary. Sue, you're a powerful woman. You don't need to copy anyone else. You're an original, just like Madonna. Don't lose that quality.
- Sue Sylvester: Do you mean that, or are you just saying that because I poked a couple of kids' eyes out before second period today?
- Emma Pillsbury: You know when we were talking about Madonna the other day and how her music was being blasted like an intimidating cluster bomb into everybody's office except for mine because, apparently, I lack a shred of sex appeal? Well, it struck me that the Big Mo is always in control of everything. Her life is her own.
- Will Schuester: Okay.
- Emma Pillsbury: So I need to take control of myself and my body, just like Madonna. Which is why... I'm planning on doing the nasty with you tonight at your place. Foreplay shall begin at 7:30 sharp. So, what do you think? Not that it matters.
- Will Schuester: I couldn't agree more.
- Emma Pillsbury: Great.
- Will Schuester: Great.
- Emma Pillsbury: 7:30.
- Will Schuester: Cool.
- Emma Pillsbury: Mm-hmm.
- Finn Hudson: Look, are you still dating that Jesse kid?
- Rachel Berry: No. No. Who... who told you that?
- Finn Hudson: Look, I know things have been weird between us, but I never thought you'd lie to me.
- Rachel Berry: Look, please just don't tell anyone.
- Finn Hudson: Unbelievable.
- Rachel Berry: We may not be together the way that Jesse and I are, but we can still be friends. I... I'm asking you as my friend to trust me.
- Finn Hudson: Fine. But if this leads to something bad for all of us, don't expect any more friendship from me.
- Will Schuester: Hey, guys. I'm sorry to interrupt your little sorority, but I couldn't help overhearing. Are you really having that much boy trouble?
- Quinn Fabray: You wouldn't understand, Mr. Schue. You're a guy.
- Will Schuester: Well, then maybe you should talk to someone else about it. Like Ms. Pillsbury.
- Rachel Berry: I tried that.
- [cut to Emma's office]
- Emma Pillsbury: [flustered] Oh, um, that's a hot-button topic, isn't it? I mean, when to do that. This is the perfect chat to have with your mom.
- Rachel Berry: I have two gay dads.
- Emma Pillsbury: Right. Right. You, um... how about your rabbi?
- Rachel Berry: I really don't feel comfortable talking about this with Rabbi Greenberg. Aren't you a guidance counselor?
- Emma Pillsbury: [lost for words] Uh...
- [back to the choir room]
- Quinn Fabray: [as the dismissal bell rings] The fact is that women still earn seventy cents to every dollar that a man does for doing the same job. That attitude starts in high school.
- Emma Pillsbury: I don't know what to say. I mean, I can't do this job if I don't have the kids' confidence.
- Will Schuester: Now, I get that this area of interest is, uh, your blind spot, but I want to help you so that the next time a girl comes in here asking those kinds of questions, you'll be prepared.
- [seeing her expression]
- Will Schuester: I... I'm not saying you need to have sex.
- Emma Pillsbury: No. No, no, no. No, that's not what you were offering. Why would you offer that? It wasn't what I was thinking. Wishful thinking is all that was.
- Will Schuester: I mean, what this is all really about is teenage girls feeling like they have no power.
- Emma Pillsbury: Right, and it makes sense, too. I mean, look at their role models, you know? You've got Britney Spears and her shaved head. Lindsay Lohan looks like something out of "Lord of the Rings". Ann Coulter.
- Will Schuester: Let's work together to try to find a way to make them feel more confident about themselves.
- Emma Pillsbury: Yeah, I like that. Yes, we will change the world one girl at a time. We'll be like a girl-saving team.
- Will Schuester: And maybe along the way, we can find a way to help you, too.
- Sue Sylvester: I'm instating a new policy whereby we play Madonna's Greatest Hits over the P.A. system, quite loudly, throughout the entire school day.
- Principal Figgins: But blasting her delicious hooks would make it impossible for the students to concentrate.
- Sue Sylvester: Ah, who cares? Madonna never finished college. She hopped a cab for the bright lights of New York City with thirty-five bucks in her pocket. And I think we should encourage our pupil to do the same. You say the word, and I will provide you a list of the students I believe should be rounded up and shipped off immediately.
- Principal Figgins: I am sorry, Sue. This is insanity!
- Sue Sylvester: What you call insanity, I call inspiration. Let me break it down for you. It's been the biggest dream of my career to pay homage to Madonna, the woman most responsible for my take no prisoners demeanor, and my subconcious tendency to always be desperately looking for someone named Susan. And now my Cheerios squad this year finally has the talent to make that dream come true. You will not take that dream from me. Do you not understand the blackmail process and how it works?
- [flashback to them in bed, Sue fully clothed]
- Sue Sylvester: [taking a selfie with her camera] Smile.
- [back to real time]
- Sue Sylvester: I have your wife's number on speed dial. To recap, you will be playing those Madonna hits throughout the day at an earsplitting volume. Understood?
- Mercedes Jones: You all just trot me out at the end of every number so I can wail on the last note. How is that okay?