- Will Schuester: Listen, I gotta run. I've got an appointment to show my apartment.
- April Rhodes: What's this now.
- Will Schuester: Yeah, so... I need to rent out my apartment and find a smaller place to live... uh... because I'm getting a divorce.
- April Rhodes: Divorce! So you're free to date? And by "date," I mean sleep with people, and by "sleep with," I mean have sex with people - people like me! Kidding. Not really.
- Sue Sylvester: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put in a call to the Ohio Secretary of State notifying them I will no longer be carrying photo I.D. You know why? People should know who I am.
- April Rhodes: I was so jazzed about sobering up and starting a new life; I had to stop at a bar to get a drink just to calm down.
- April Rhodes: Okay, fellas, grab a gal. Or grab a another fella if that's the way the good Lord made ya. 'Cause it's a couples skate!
- April Rhodes: [Over the microphone] As I live and breathe, Will Schuester? I just had a sex dream about you!
- Finn Hudson: What are you doing here? Did you already move in?
- Burt Hummel: No, your mom invited me. She thought you and I could have a man-to-man.
- Finn Hudson: Good, you know, 'cause I got a lot to say about this. So...
- Burt Hummel: Well, I don't, so let me go first. You're pissed, I get it. You know, your dad is a hero; not only to the world for what he did in Desert Storm, but he's a hero to you. No way I can fill his shoes. It's just, you know... I love your mom. She's like this angel that, you know, came down to wake me up after all these years, and I swear to you, I will never hurt her, I will always take care of her. And I can't be your dad, but I will be her hero for as long as she'll take me.
- Burt Hummel: [watching a basketball game with Finn] You know, I hate Duke like I hate the Nazis.
- Finn Hudson: Tell me about it.
- Will Schuester: I don't know what to say.
- April Rhodes: Just say congratulations. I took your advice. I went home, I told Buddy that if he wanted to keep me around, he had to ditch the old lady and give yours truly the top job. And then he died.
- [she snickers]
- April Rhodes: One of his eyes went all funny and he had a stroke right in front of me.
- Will Schuester: Jeez, April, are you okay?
- April Rhodes: Okay? I'm rich. The old battle ax was afraid I'd go to the Lima Times, so she shut me up to the tune of $2 million. So I'm sobering up and I'm heading to the Broadway, Will. I haven't had a drink in forty-five minutes.
- Tracy Pendergrass: Sue, when I met you, I instantly disliked you. You're bossy, insulting, and the fact that twice you called me "Rerun" makes me think you're a little racist. I came here to write a piece that would expose you as a coward and a cheat. I could not have been more wrong.
- Sue Sylvester: Beg your pardon?
- Tracy Pendergrass: You got every shape and size Cheerio up there singing about empowerment and inclusion, telling everyone it's okay to be exactly the person you are. You're a visionary, and I think redefining cheerleading. Bravo.
- Mercedes Jones: [Quinn offers her a snack] Thanks. I'm not hungry.
- Quinn Fabray: Yes, you are. You're starving. I know. I've been there. Did all the other kids start looking like food right before you fainted?
- Mercedes Jones: Yeah. How'd you know?
- Quinn Fabray: Been there. Eat the granola bar.
- Mercedes Jones: Why are you being so nice to me? I can't remember the last time you said two words to me that weren't "you" and "suck".
- Quinn Fabray: 'Cause I was you; scared. Hating myself for eating a cookie. But I got over it.
- Mercedes Jones: Yeah, well, of course you did, Miss Pretty Blonde with the white girl ass.
- Quinn Fabray: When you start eating for somebody else, so that they can grow and be healthy, your relationship to food changes. What I realized is that if I'm so willing to eat right to take care of this baby, why am I not willing to do it for myself? You are so lucky. You've always been at home in your body. Don't let Ms. Sylvester take that away from you.
- Mercedes Jones: I'm so embarrassed. This isn't me.
- [crying]
- Mercedes Jones: How did I become this person?
- Quinn Fabray: You are beautiful. You know that. I'm gonna stay here with you until your mom comes, okay?
- Kurt Hummel: We have to break up our parents immediately. I screwed up. I feel like the guy who set up Liza and David Gest.
- Finn Hudson: It hurt you, didn't it? When I was talking sports with your dad and stuff. I could tell that you were...
- Kurt Hummel: Left out? Invisible? Yeah.
- Finn Hudson: I don't like that my mom's forgetting about my dad. It's up to me to keep his memory alive, and I don't want to move in with you. No offense.
- Kurt Hummel: None taken. So we put an end to them. Agreed?
- Finn Hudson: Agreed.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: Do you want half of my peppermint patty?
- Mercedes Jones: No. I don't put junk in my body.
- Artie Abrams: Why are you doing this? We like you no matter how you look.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: And those shake diets are really unhealthy.
- Artie Abrams: They also don't really work. As soon as you go off them, you gain back the weight you lost.
- Mercedes Jones: [standing up in anger] You know what? I don't want to hear it! You have no idea how much I'm sacrificing to be a Cheerio! To look fantastic. To finally fit in at this school.
- Tina Cohen-Chang: [looking like an ice cream cone] We're just trying to look out for you.
- Artie Abrams: [looking like a piece of cake] We just want you to be healthy.
- Mercedes Jones: Stop getting all up in my face, telling me what I can and cannot do. And I'm really hungry, so stop trying to get me to eat you!
- Artie Abrams: Hold up. Did she just say she wanted to eat us?
- [as Mercedes turns to leave, she sees Rachel and Jesse, appearing as a cupcake and cheeseburger, respectively]
- Rachel Berry: The point is that Fanny Brice is the most iconic work.
- Mercedes Jones: Aw, damn.
- [her eyes glaze over and she falls to the floor]
- Burt Hummel: [finding Kurt taking down color swatches from his wall] Hey. You finally choose one?
- Kurt Hummel: No. They're all wrong.
- Burt Hummel: Well, they all look like gray to me.
- Kurt Hummel: Well, maybe if they were different colored sports uniforms, you'd work harder to try and tell them apart.
- Burt Hummel: I knew it. I knew when I started in on the football with Finn, you'd take it personal.
- Kurt Hummel: How could I not, dad? When was the last time you were that engaged in a conversation with me?
- Burt Hummel: I'm sorry, I don't know what you want here.
- Kurt Hummel: What I want is for you to appreciate how hard it is for me to watch you bond with the son that you've obviously always wanted.
- Burt Hummel: Oh, suddenly I'm not the guy who sat through Riverdance three years in a row? Look, Kurt, I love you, and I am sympathetic to all your stuff, but come on, buddy, we got a deal here, right? I don't try to change you, you don't try to change me. You are my son, and a little guy talk with some other kid isn't gonna change that.
- Kurt Hummel: [hurt] Guy talk? I'm a guy.
- Burt Hummel: Well, come on, you know what I mean.
- Kurt Hummel: Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it is too soon for you to start getting serious with someone.
- Burt Hummel: Your mom's been dead eight years, you know that.
- [as Burt stands to leave, a tear rolls down Kurt's cheek]
- Burt Hummel: Why'd you fix me up with Carole, huh? Wasn't it to make me happy? 'Cause that's what you told me.
- Kurt Hummel: Can you go now? I'm a half hour behind on my moisturizing routine, and I need to get up early.
- Kurt Hummel: New Directions is clearly a club with a dearth of direction. Rachel and Jesse refuse to accept that all of us would rather die before we allow them to become the next Beyoncé and Jay-Z. And Finn's mother's romance with my father is sending him into a wholly unnecessary tailspin of despair. What we all need right now is to explore the idea of a sense of place and how, if we find that place within, we will get that happy ending.
- Finn Hudson: What the hell's going on with our parents? How did this happen? When did they even meet each other?
- Kurt Hummel: Parent-teacher conference night, about a month ago.
- [flashback, with Kurt narrating in voiceover]
- Kurt Hummel: I always accompany my father to those conferences, to act as translator.
- Burt Hummel: How do you know this is not organic?
- Kurt Hummel: Because you can see the logo. It's encrusted in the cookie.
- Kurt Hummel: [v.o] Fate brought them together.
- Kurt Hummel: [leading Burt over to Carole as she enters] Dad, meet Carole Hudson. Ms. Hudson, my father, Burt Hummel. You both have dead spouses. Maybe you should talk.
- Burt Hummel: You know, I was just saying to a friend that acid wash is making a comeback.
- Carole Hudson: Mm. Really. And who said it ever left?
- Kurt Hummel: [v.o] It was an instant connection.
- Finn Hudson: [return to real time] That's impossible.
- Kurt Hummel: When will you learn that nothing is impossible when it comes to love? Haven't you noticed anything different about your mom? New clothes, new makeup, a haircut that doesn't look like it was styled by the Amish? Who do you think "Pretty Woman"ed her up? Has she started selling the furniture yet?
- Finn Hudson: Yeah, yeah, she just got rid of her old bedroom set. And she tried to sell my dad's chair, but I stopped her. How do you even know that?
- Kurt Hummel: People our parents' age don't wait around for love to bloom. They know what they want. I guess you and I will be roommates, with mom and dad cohabitating upstairs by midterms.
- Finn Hudson: No way.
- Kurt Hummel: Give in to the inevitable, Finn. I want us to decide how to redecorate our room together. That's why I asked you about the swatches. And don't sweat that old chair. I have a lovely chaise picked out.
- Finn Hudson: Look... look... screw your... your swatches and your... your "chez".
- Kurt Hummel: Chaise.
- Finn Hudson: Whatever, okay? Look, I... I like my house. I'm not moving in, and she's not selling that... that damn chair.
- Kurt Hummel: Oh, Finn, I wanted your opinion on this. It's a swatch board. I'm redecorating my bedroom. Kind of going for a hunting lodge meets Tom Ford's place in Bel Air. I was hoping you could help me out with the hunting lodge part.
- Finn Hudson: I live in a closet. There's cowboy wallpaper on the walls.
- Kurt Hummel: Oh...
- Finn Hudson: [picking a swatch at random] But I guess that one's nice.
- Kurt Hummel: Toile? I always pegged you as a chinoiserie type.
- Will Schuester: Sue! We need to talk. The auditorium is padlocked!
- Sue Sylvester: Well, that's curious. Did you check the sign-up sheet?
- Will Schuester: What sign-up sheet?
- Sue Sylvester: [pulling it out] Why, the one I keep right here in my waistband, William. Let's see. Yeah, I've got the entire week booked solid. Got a big magazine feature coming up. It's a little chilly for my girls to be praciticing outdoors.
- Will Schuester: Yeah? Well, let's see what Figgins has to say about this.
- Sue Sylvester: Oh, I'm sure Figgins will just mumble something nervously and then pretend to take a phone call. I happen to be blackmailing him.
- [first lines]
- Sue Sylvester: Ladies, what we have here is a grade "A" dilemma. Mercedes, your vocal chords have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team, but that look simply will not do. At first, I thought it was a subtle homage to yours truly, but now I fear it's some kind of ironic comment.
- Mercedes Jones: Ms. Sylvester, I'm just not comfortable in those Cheerios skirts. They don't fit me right.
- Kurt Hummel: Mercedes, you shouldn't be embarrassed about your body.
- Mercedes Jones: Embarrassed? No, no. I'm worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot.
- [they laugh and share a 'secret handshake']
- Sue Sylvester: How do you two not have a show on Bravo?
- Sue Sylvester: Here's the skinny: Splitts! magazine, after much campaigning by one Sue Sylvester, has named me "Cheerleading Coach of the Last 2,000 Years". In seven days, reporter Tracy Pendergrass will arrive on campus, and my new star singer will have lost ten pounds, and be in a gender-appropriate cheerleading uniform, or she is off the team.
- Kurt Hummel: Ten pounds? Are you serious?
- Sue Sylvester: You could stand to lose a few, too, kiddo. You got hips like a pear.