Family Guy (TV Series)

Jerome Is the New Black (2009)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Frank Sinatra, Statler, Lewis, Parrot, Mr. Furley

Photos 

Quotes 

• Glen Quagmire : You wanna maybe just go?

  Brian Griffin : Quagmire, come on. I'm really trying hard here.

  Glen Quagmire : Who asked you to try hard?

  Brian Griffin : Nobody, but I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?

  Glen Quagmire : ...Okay, I'll tell ya. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife, the man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing, you always say "Oh, I'll get you later," but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend you're this deep guy who loves women for their souls when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of "Catcher in the Rye" and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation of how Holden Caulfield is some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much, he's you! God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself by thinking you're some great writer even though you're terrible. You know, I should've known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would've known there's no "a" in the word "definite." And I think what I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda, how we should "legalize pot, man," how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well, what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there! You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ! Oh, wait! You don't believe in Jesus Christ or any religion for that matter, because "religion is for idiots!" Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone? You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father! How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore! That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore.

  [sighs] 

  Glen Quagmire : Well, see ya, Brian! Thanks for the fucking steak!

• Peter Griffin : Wow, you're cooler than a York peppermint patty!

  Man #1 : [cut to a man in his house, holding a York peppermint patty] 

  Man #1 : When I bite into a York peppermint patty, I get the sensation...

  [he bites into the patty. Cut to him standing on a mountain] 

  Man #1 : OF BEING ON A FROZEN MOUNTAINTOP!

  [cut to the man, still on the mountain, writing in a diary] 

  Man #1 : It has been two months since I made the tragic choice to bite into a York peppermint patty, and still I have made no progress in finding my way out of the mountains. The only food I have is the rest of this York peppermint patty, which, unfortunately, keeps bringing me back to the top of the mountain. If anyone finds this, tell my family I love them.

  [another man appears, holding a York peppermint patty] 

  Man #2 : ...OF BEING ON A FROZEN MOUNTAINTOP!

  [the first man punches the second and takes a bite out of his leg] 

• Stewie Griffin : [wakes up, yawns]  Sorry, I was out of it.

  [sees Jerome] 

  Stewie Griffin : Are we being robbed?