Monk (TV Series)

Mr. Monk Is the Best Man (2009)

Tony Shalhoub: Adrian Monk

Quotes 

• [about his fiancee] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Uh, look, are you okay about this? I mean, about her name...?

  Adrian Monk : Oh, sure! I think it's great! Everybody should have a Trudy in their life.

• [Stottlemeyer's fiancee has called off their wedding] 

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Guess I'll be taking that ring back.

  Adrian Monk : Well, I'm gonna hold on to it.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Monk... it's over. I happen to be an expert in this area.

  Adrian Monk : Well, I'm not giving up! It's gonna work out! You love her, you need her. She's your answer.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : She's my answer... where did you hear that?

  Adrian Monk : Trudy used to say it - my Trudy. Besides, I'm not sure if I can open my hand.

• Natalie Teeger : You want me to hold the ring?

  Adrian Monk : I got it.

  Natalie Teeger : Why don't you put it in your pocket?

  Adrian Monk : Pockets rip.

  Natalie Teeger : How about a drawer?

  Adrian Monk : Not reliable.

  Natalie Teeger : Really? I find drawers to be pretty reliable.

  Adrian Monk : I'd just worry about it. You know, I'd obsess over it. Probably end up carrying the whole bureau around with me.

  [as a consequence, he clenches his hand into a fist for much of the episode, holding the ring still] 

• Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Okay, we have a victim found in Colin Park. He was shot once and then burned.

  Adrian Monk : I read the file, so where are we?

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Still unidentified. Randy, what do we know about him?

  Lt. Randall Disher : Well, we know he was... flammable. That's pretty much it.

• Adrian Monk : [to the small bachelor party]  Okay, does everybody have pizza?

  First Cop : Uh, there's nothing on it.

  [Indeed, the pizzas ordered are "extra plain," that is to say, they have no cheese and even don't have any sauce on them!] 

  Adrian Monk : I know! I ordered plain.

  First Cop : Not even cheese?

  Adrian Monk : I ordered extra plain. No fuss, no muss. And use your coasters. All right, the large coasters go under the small coasters. And there's trash bags in the kitchen. Everyone gets one, I put your names at the top.

  [In the hall, another cop heads to the bathroom. He opens the bathroom door only that the entire space of the bathroom is occupied by a portable toilet] 

  Second Cop : Monk, there's a bathroom in the bathroom.

  Adrian Monk : Where do you want me to put it, Mikey, in the kitchen?

• Adrian Monk : [at Affinity, the flower shop]  You smell that? They should open some windows.

  Natalie Teeger : Mm, I think it smells wonderful. I bet you Heaven smells just like this.

  Adrian Monk : I bet it doesn't. $20.

• Joy : [matches Natalie and Randy with their "floral soulmates," then turns to Monk and matches him with a cactus]  I found it.

  Adrian Monk : Excuse me?

  Joy : This... is your flower.

  Natalie Teeger : It's plastic.

  Joy : Mm-hmm.

  Adrian Monk : [takes a sniff of the "flower"]  I love it.

• Adrian Monk : [while being held at gunpoint]  That's what this whole thing has been about. You were in that group with Martin Kettering, and you've been a fugitive for 12 years.

  Stephanie Briggs : Just shut up.

  Adrian Monk : I already started. It's very hard for me to stop.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : It's true, you have to let him finish. Go ahead.

• Adrian Monk : All right, I would like to say a few words about our friend, Leland Francis Stottlemeyer.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Thank you, thank you very much.

  Adrian Monk : [reading from a notecard]  And it goes like this: "A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head." There's more, there's more. "The bartender says 'Say, aren't you Leland Stottlemeyer, whose first marriage was annulled after five days, and whose second wife, Karen, left him after 20 years? And then you dated Linda Fusco, who was later convicted of first-degree murder?'" Wait, wait. "And then Leland says 'That's right.' And then the bartender says, 'Every relationship you've ever had has ended in disaster and you wanna get married again? You're crazy! No wonder you have a duck on your head!'" And Leland says...

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : ...And Leland says "I need a drink!"

  [and receives much applause from the other cops] 

• Adrian Monk : You're not going to even ask him?

  Natalie Teeger : No, Mr. Monk, it's crazy, don't mention it again.

  Lt. Randall Disher : Hey, how you guys doing?

  Natalie Teeger : Mr. Monk wants to walk TK's father down the aisle.

  Adrian Monk : We're the exact same height. I mean, how often does that happen?

  Natalie Teeger : Mr. Monk, I'm sure he'd like to walk his daughter down the aisle.

  Adrian Monk : Well, she can walk behind us. Just ask him. I'm talking about the exact same height. Think how cool that would look.

• Adrian Monk : Well I'm not giving up. It's gonna work out somehow. You love her. You need her. She's your answer.

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : "She's my answer." Where'd you hear that?

  Adrian Monk : Trudy used to say that.

  [pause] 

  Adrian Monk : My Trudy.

• Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Yeah, I'm asking you to be my best man.

  Adrian Monk : Really? Wow! I'm... I'm... what am I? I'm surprised. I'm flattered. I'm slightly apprehensive. And I'm anxious, which... I'm always anxious. So that doesn't really...

  Captain Leland Stottlemeyer : Is that a yes?

  Adrian Monk : Yes.