- Stan Smith: When I turned 14, I took fiduciary responsibility for my mothers 401K. We discussed over Italian food. I had my first espresso, it kept me up all night. I fell asleep at dawn for five minutes and had a stress dream about the house burning down. Pretty good birthday.
- Stan Smith: I'm upstairs trying to do our taxes and Steve's abusing the hose.
- Francine Smith: Oh, that's embarrassing. Did you walk in on him?
- Stan Smith: What?
- Francine Smith: You caught him playing with himself?
- Stan Smith: Damn it, woman! You always jump to that.
- Steve Smith: We're doing an outer space party. We're gonna have our faces painted like aliens and everything.
- Roger the Alien: Oh, white people in alien face? Running around going, "Beep boop bop." This what you do when there's no alien in the room? How would you feel if I made fun of you? "Oh, uh, I'm human. I'm from planet Earth. I think I'm coming down with a cold." Hurts, don't it?
- Roger the Alien: Stan, you skipped the milestones of youth. That's why you can't get out of here. Your inner child is putting his foot down.
- Stan Smith: I don't know. That sounds like mumbo jumbo.
- Roger the Alien: It is. Dr. Mumbo Jumbo was my mentor at the People's Hospital in Cameroon.
- Roger the Alien: [to Stan] You just need a little dose of fun. Go out and act like a kid. Wipe your nose on your sleeve, eat Cheerios out of a Baggie, touch a urinal, then touch your face.
- Stan Smith: Yeah, okay.
- Roger the Alien: Ride the back of a dog and pretend it's a pony, get an ear infection...
- Stan Smith: All right. I understand, Roger.
- Roger the Alien: Spit on a jellyfish, get a stuffed rabbit and name it Rabbit-O, touch penises with a neighbor boy.