Photos
Quotes
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Sterling Archer : Looks like we've got a Mexican standoff, Kremensky.
Krenshaw : How is this a Mexican standoff?
Agent Lana Kane : Dumbass.
Krenshaw : I don't care if you shoot her.
Cyril Figgis : I do.
Krenshaw : But what if I shoot *her*, mama's boy?
Malory Archer : Sterling.
Krenshaw : Yes, picture her dead in the gutter...
Malory Archer : Sterling!
Krenshaw : ...and what your pathetic life will be like without old mommy dearest.
Agent Lana Kane : Jesus Christ!
Malory Archer : What?
Cyril Figgis : What is it?
Agent Lana Kane : He's got an erection!
Malory Archer : What?
Krenshaw : What the hell is wrong with you people?
[pushes Malory away, and gets shot]
Sterling Archer : Nothing. You on the other hand -
[Malory hits him with her purse]
Sterling Archer : ow! OW!
Malory Archer : An erection?
Sterling Archer : Hey! What's in there - buckles?
Malory Archer : The thought of me dead give you an erection?
Sterling Archer : No, just half of one. The other half would have really missed you. I mean, not... ugh.
[Malory sighs]
Sterling Archer : Johnny Bench called.
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Sterling Archer : No, no, no! Do not wind her up, that is a big gun and she is baby crazy.
Agent Lana Kane : [shouts] Baby crazy!
Sterling Archer : That's why I dumped her.
Agent Lana Kane : You little, you sack of shit, I dumped you because you're dragging around a 35 year old umbilical cord.
Sterling Archer : See! All you talk about it baby shit! Because you're baby crazy!.
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Sterling Archer : [while carrying a box of donuts] Lana! Hey, I know I'm supposed to be up my own ass right now but...
Agent Lana Kane : [She knocks the donuts out of his hands, all of which fall to the ground] Hmmph.
Sterling Archer : Oh, is that what you want?
Agent Lana Kane : Yup...
Sterling Archer : Because that's how you get ants.
Agent Lana Kane : [sarcastically] Yay!
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Sterling Archer : Uh, apology accepted, ass-douche.
[Cyril: Hey]
Agent Lana Kane : [Holds a gun to Archer] Call him that again.
Sterling Archer : Make me!
Agent Lana Kane : What?
Sterling Archer : What?
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Cyril Figgis : But it's Stir-Friday!
Lana Kane : Hooray.
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Sterling Archer : Fuck your dolphin, Pam. Fuck your fucking dolphin.
Agent Lana Kane : I think she's down.
Sterling Archer : Fuck you.
Agent Lana Kane : I think she peed.
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Sterling Archer : [Holding up shirt on hanger] Lana! Hey, what does this smell like?
Agent Lana Kane : Umm, like the dysfunctional asshole I broke up with six months ago!
[Flash back to Archer and Lan in bed]
Agent Lana Kane : Oh, my god, you're amazing.
Sterling Archer : You are amazing, Sweet Stuff.
Agent Lana Kane : Wanna do it again and put on some interracial porn?
Sterling Archer : God, it's like my brain's that tree and you're those little cookie elves.
[Lana makes a kiss noise toward Archer; his phone rings]
Sterling Archer : Just a second.
Agent Lana Kane : No, Baby, don't answer that.
Sterling Archer : I have to; sorry, it's mother.
Agent Lana Kane : Oh.
Sterling Archer : Mother, hey.
Agent Lana Kane : I cannot believe you.
[Switches off porn]
Sterling Archer : [On phone] Just a second.
[Turns to Lana]
Sterling Archer : No, turn it... turn it on. I... I can do both.
[Lana gives him a side-eye glance]
Sterling Archer : What?
Agent Lana Kane : So don't speak to me - ever. And while you're not ever speaking to me, jump up your own ass and die.
[Knocks the shirt out of Archer's hand]
Sterling Archer : Oh, really. After all that HR mediation? Really?