The Cleveland Show (TV Series)

A Cleveland Brown Christmas (2009)

Mike Henry: Cleveland Brown, Rallo Tubbs

Quotes 

• Rallo Tubbs : [during a Christmas pageant where Rallo reads his letter to Santa Claus]  Ahem. Dear Santa, fuck you and fuck Christmas.

  [the audience and the Browns stare in shocked silence] 

  Arianna : [to Tim]  That's what happens when you put a Jew in charge of a Christmas pageant.

• Cleveland Brown : [after Rallo kicks him]  Ow, bitch!

• Cleveland Brown : [after Donna kicks him]  Ow, bitch! Ow. What the hell? What is it with your family and kicking people?

• Cleveland Brown : [to Donna]  How can you let Rallo believe that Robert is an FBI agent? Maybe if it stood for Freeloading Boozing Idiot?

  [chuckles] 

  Cleveland Brown : Hey, that was right off the top of my head. Suck on that, Wayne Brady.

  Donna Tubbs : Look, Rallo kept asking him why he never came to visit. Next thing I know, Robert's telling him he's an undercover agent, so I went with it.

  Cleveland Brown : You lied to your child?

  Donna Tubbs : It's like my great-grandmother used to say. A lie is just an upside-down truth.

  Cleveland Brown : What?

  [to himself] 

  Cleveland Brown : Hmm. Can I trust Donna?

• Rallo Tubbs : [to Cleveland about Mr. Waterman's Christmas party]  Why does Mr. Waterman have shirtless men walking all around?

  Cleveland Brown : Well, Rallo, when you're older, there are things that...

  Rallo Tubbs : Oh, is he a gay?

  Cleveland Brown : Yes, he is a gay.

• Rallo Tubbs : [while talking to Cleveland, who is dressed up as Santa Claus]  Meanwhile, my real dad is out there putting his life on the line for justice and you should see what my bozo stepdad calls a mustache.

  Cleveland Brown : Oh, hell, no. His mustache is cool. And your dad is not an undercover agent. Your dad is nothing but a no-good deadbeat loser who freelances at a car wash.

  Rallo Tubbs : What?

  Cleveland Brown : Your dad's a bum.

  [everyone is shocked at what Cleveland just said] 

  Cleveland Brown : [to the audience]  How am I gonna get out of this one? Find out after these loud and off-putting messages.

• Donna Tubbs : [to Cleveland after Rallo's Christmas recital]  This is all your fault. You had to go get drunk and tell him the truth about his dad.

  Cleveland Brown : Yeah? Well, you been lying to him for years.

  Donna Tubbs : And it was working.

  Roberta Tubbs : At least we don't have to lie to him anymore because I'm done making phone calls...

  [in Robert's voice] 

  Roberta Tubbs : talking like this. Happy birthday, Rallo. How's your mama's ass look?

• Cleveland Brown : Cleveland Jr., you're very lucky to have a father. You know, not all boys have fathers. Tonight, I'm gonna do my best to make sure that Rallo has a father on Christmas, but it's gonna be a dangerous mission and I might not make it back.

  Cleveland Brown Jr. : No, Daddy, don't go.

  Cleveland Brown : Shh-shh-shh. You've been a good boy this year.

  Cleveland Brown Jr. : I try, Daddy.

  Cleveland Brown : Proud of you. And I bet Santa's gonna bring you some nice gifts.

  Cleveland Brown Jr. : I hope so.

  Cleveland Brown : Mm-hm. I'm so lucky to have a son like you. So peaceful.

  Cleveland Brown Jr. : You're creeping me out a little, Dad.

  Cleveland Brown : Oh, I'm sorry. Seems like just yesterday you were standing up in your crib shaking on the sides like you couldn't wait to bust out of there and explore the world. Now look at you. All fat, can't play baseball worth a pile of dog crap still writing letters to Santa Claus at fourteen laying back, taking it while your dad strokes your face. What's wrong with you? What kind of kid have I raised?

  [Cleveland Jr. looks startled] 

  Cleveland Brown : Okay, now I'm gonna go find Rallo and Roberta's dad.

• Donna Tubbs : [to Cleveland when Robert comes to visit for Christmas]  Wow, you actually got through to him.

  Cleveland Brown : Of course, I did. It's my damn show.