The Big Bang Theory (TV Series)
The Vengeance Formulation (2009)
Simon Helberg: Howard Wolowitz
Photos
Quotes
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Howard Wolowitz : So nice you could join me this evening. You're looking lovely as always.
Katee Sackhoff : Thanks, Howard. Always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.
Howard Wolowitz : Come on, Katee, don't make it sound so cheap.
Katee Sackhoff : I'm sorry. Fiddling with yourself in the bathtub is a real class act.
Howard Wolowitz : Thank you. So, shall we get started?
Katee Sackhoff : Sure, but can I ask you a question first?
Howard Wolowitz : You want to play Cylon & Colonist?
Katee Sackhoff : No. I want to know why you're playing make-believe with me when you could be out with a real woman tonight.
Howard Wolowitz : You mean Bernadette?
Katee Sackhoff : No, I mean Princess Leia. Of course I mean Bernadette. She's a wonderful girl and she really likes you.
Howard Wolowitz : I know, but she's not you.
Katee Sackhoff : I'm not me. The real me is in Beverly Hills going out with a tall, handsome, rich guy.
Howard Wolowitz : Really? Tall?
Katee Sackhoff : Six four.
Howard Wolowitz : Ouch.
Katee Sackhoff : The point is you've got a wonderful girl in your life and you're ignoring her in order to spend your nights in a bathtub with a mental image and a washcloth.
Mrs. Wolowitz : Howard! What are you doing in there?
Howard Wolowitz : I'm taking a bath!
Mrs. Wolowitz : I hope that's all you're doing! We share that tub!
Howard Wolowitz : Don't remind me!
[he turns back to find Katee has disappeared]
Howard Wolowitz : Oh, man, all soaped up and no place to go.
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Howard Wolowitz : [about Bernadette] She wants a commitment, and I'm not sure she's my type.
Penny : She agreed to go out with you for free; what more do you need?
Howard Wolowitz : Look, Bernadette is really nice; I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship it would be with someone, you know... different.
Penny : Different how?
Howard Wolowitz : Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from 'Transformers'. Or Katee Sackhoff from 'Battlestar Galactica'.
Penny : Are you high?
Leonard Hofstadter : You'd have a better shot with the three-breasted Martian hooker from 'Total Recall'.
Howard Wolowitz : Okay, now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago; imagine how *saggy* those things would be.
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Howard Wolowitz : Hey, did either of you guys know that three dates with the same woman is the threshold for sex?
Raj Koothrappali : Actually, I've never had three dates with the same woman.
Leonard Hofstadter : With Penny and me it took two years! Now that I think about it that was three dates.
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[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz : Two years later there's a knock on the door; the guy opens it, and there on the porch is the snail who says, "What the heck was that all about?"
Bernadette Rostenkowski : [giggles] I don't really get it.
Howard Wolowitz : See, it took two for the snail to-
[Bernadette kisses him]
Howard Wolowitz : Not important.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Can I ask you a question?
Howard Wolowitz : Sure.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Where do you think this is going?
Howard Wolowitz : To be honest, I was hoping at least second base.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : You're so funny. You're like a stand-up comedian.
Howard Wolowitz : A Jewish stand-up comedian; that'd be new.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Actually, I think a lot of them are Jewish.
Howard Wolowitz : No, I was just be- Never mind.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Look, Howard, this is our third date, and we both know what that means.
Howard Wolowitz : We do?
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Sex.
Howard Wolowitz : You're kidding!
Bernadette Rostenkowski : But I need to know whether you're looking for a relationship or a one-night stand.
Howard Wolowitz : Okay, just to be clear, there's only one correct answer, right? It's not like 'chicken or fish' on an airplane.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Maybe you need to think about it a little.
Howard Wolowitz : You know it's not unheard of for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : [she kisses him briefly] Call me when you figure it out.
[she goes into her house]
Howard Wolowitz : Three dates means sex! Who knew?
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[last lines]
Penny : [Howard is 'serenading' Bernadette] Oh, I am *so* sorry.
Bernadette Rostenkowski : Are you kidding? That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.
Howard Wolowitz : [sings] Bernadette!
[says]
Howard Wolowitz : Thank you, Cheesecake Factory!
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Sheldon Cooper : Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.
Howard Wolowitz : Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper : Whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.
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Penny : Why are you back from your date so early?
Howard Wolowitz : In romance, as in show business, always leave them wanting more.
Penny : [to Leonard] What exactly does that mean?
Leonard Hofstadter : He struck out.
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Howard Wolowitz : Hey, I'm interested in what's inside people too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry.