The Venture Bros. (TV Series)

Self-Medication (2009)

Patton Oswalt: Wonderboy

Quotes 

• Action Johnny : My dad's lab was like a pharmacological candy store, so I started real young. Next thing I know, I'm blowing lines of voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw I bought in Calcutta. Now I'm all out of wishes.

  Dr. Venture : I wasn't even allowed to wear long pants until I left for college. Is it any wonder I didn't lose my virginity until I was over 20?

  Lance Hale : So dumbass here is so freaked out by the mess, he forgets twenty years of detective training and actually picks up the shotgun with his bare hands. Well, I just instinctively reached out to stop him, of course. And so... that's how both our sets of prints ended up on the murder weapon.

  Ro-Boy : I tried to be good, I just couldn't help myself sometimes. When I see a giant robot I just get so mad, I wanna beat them up! And then I wanna burn them! Sometimes I wanna burn the whole world!

  Wonderboy : I mean, I can't even get an erection now unless I'm tied to a chair with a time bomb taped to my chest.

• Dr. Z : So, a snake kills your psychiatrist, and you fly all the way down here in the middle of the night to beat up an old man because of a matchbook.

  Dale Hale : Yeah, sounds kind of sloppy when you say it.

  Dr. Z : When are you boys going to grow up? Didn't you get enough of this nonsense when you were kids?

  Dale Hale : We had to do something, it was a mystery!

  Dr. Z : There's always a mystery, it never ends! Not until you decide when enough is enough!

  Wonderboy : You mean, just give it all up?

  Dr. Z : Yes! Why not? Leave it to the next ten-year-old boy with a jetpack and a spyglass! Take it from an old man: there is more to life! I am much happier now that I've settled down with Mrs. Z, than I ever was chasing Jonny around with a laser! I only regret that it took so long for me to figure it out. We never had children of our own, you see. We married late. And though my lover's mountains are both beautiful and bountiful, I'm afraid the valley below is quite barren.

  Mrs. Z : [laughs]  I thought we could not have kids because I was your beard.

  Ro-Boy : Dr. Z, Mrs. Z, would you like to adopt me?

  [everybody cheers] 

• Wonderboy : As a superhero sidekick, I led a very active, athletic lifestyle. But when I turned eighteen, and I was, shall we say, "replaced with a newer model," I started putting the weight on. And then I would eat more because I was depressed. And... I have abandonment issues? More?