- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: It's Valentine's Day. I thought we were going salsa dancing, not to watch a comedian.
- Jay Pritchett: You're gonna love him. Trust me. The guy's hilarious.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Okay, tell me one of his jokes.
- Jay Pritchett: He doesn't do jokes.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Does he have a mallet?
- Jay Pritchett: No.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: So then how does he get hit in the head?
- Jay Pritchett: He doesn't hit in the head. He... he makes observations. He tells the truth in a funny way. Come on, he's been on Johnny Carson a hundred times.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Who the hell is Johnny Carson?
- Jay Pritchett: Oh, for God's sake.
- [cut to interview]
- Jay Pritchett: Gloria and I are from different generations. And I won't lie: it isn't always easy. I mean, last week she thought Simon and Garfunkel were my lawyers.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: No, I didn't.
- Jay Pritchett: It was a joke.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I don't get it.
- Jay Pritchett: Maybe that's because there's no mallet.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Yeah, I wish I had a mallet right now.
- Claire Dunphy: I think you're not getting any sleep tonight, so you might want to take a nap at work today.
- Phil Dunphy: I always do.