- Liz Lemon: Tray, I need you to pick me up from the dentist.
- Tracy Jordan: No can do, Liz Lemon. Every Valentine's Day, Angie and I rent a heart-shaped tub to make chili in. Then we take it to the homeless shelter, and that's when things start getting sexy.
- Jenna Maroney: You know what I realized? Maynard was the longest relationship of my life, after Doug.
- Kenneth Parcell: Please don't say who Doug...
- Jenna Maroney: Doug is my vibrator.
- Liz Lemon: You know, there are some things that are actually harder to do with two people. Like, monologues.
- Frank Rossitano: You are no different. You just want to know somone cares about you. Only your case is worse, because that tooth infection could spread to your brain and kill you.
- Liz Lemon: Yeah, well when I'm a ghost, I'll haunt you in your sleep.
- Frank Rossitano: Then you're gonna see some disgusting stuff.
- Jenna Maroney: I'm sorry, Liz, I can't stop now. I just got my stalker's address from his parole officer, and I have to go confront him to find out why he's been ignoring me.
- J.D. Lutz: Hey. Has anybody heard about any cool, new sex positions? My girlfriend's visiting for Valentine's and I want to keep things caliente.
- Liz Lemon: Oh my God, Lutz. Are you still pretending Karen exists?
- J.D. Lutz: She's real. Would a fake woman have a personal website at JDLutz.com/karen/proof?
- Jenna Maroney: Hello, Maynard.
- Maynard: Jenna. You shouldn't have come here.
- Jenna Maroney: Well, what was I supposed to do? It's almost Valentine's Day and I haven't heard anything from you. Has the dog who gives you your orders died?
- Maynard: No, Brandon's fine. Jenna, we need to talk. I don't think I can stalk you anymore.
- Jenna Maroney: No, you don't mean that.
- Maynard: Look, I have a new therapist. I'm taking my meds. I can't even see electricity shooting out of your head anymore.
- Jenna Maroney: Well, is there someone else? It's one of those kids from "Glee," isn't it?
- Maynard: Jenna, please don't make a scene.
- Jenna Maroney: I always knew this would end someday. I just thought it would be with me in the trunk of a rental car.
- Avery Jessup: [on CNBC] Who's number one on your speed dial?
- Jack Donaghy: Blackberry, Warren Buffett. iPhone, Jimmy Buffett.
- Pete Hornberger: Hey, Liz. My daughter is selling Valentine cookies for a school fundraiser.
- Liz Lemon: [to Pete's daughter] Valentine's Day is a sham created by card companies to reinforce and exploit gender stereotypes.
- Pete Hornberger: Evelyn, this is the lady I was telling you about.