Community (TV Series)
Modern Warfare (2010)
Joel McHale: Jeff Winger
Photos
Quotes
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Britta Perry : Oh my God, you've been hit!
Jeff Winger : What? Oh no!
[checks red stain]
Jeff Winger : Wait, wait... it's blood.
[laughs]
Jeff Winger : I thought it was paint but I'm just bleeding. Talk about luck!
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Jeff Winger : *Checkmate Bitches!*
[along with Troy and Abed, shoots Chess Team]
Jeff Winger : And tell the Drama Club their tears will be real today.
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Annie Edison : Let's get back to Britta and Jeff.
Jeff Winger : There is no Britta and Jeff!
Pierce Hawthorne : He said, fully erect.
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Jeff Winger : [after waking from an hour-long nap, he wakes up to the school seemingly empty and paint-splattered. He stumbles upon a paint-splattered guy sitting on the ground] What is going on?
Garrett : The-the paintball game was-was s-starting, and the-the dean, the dean announced the-the prize. *The prize!* We-we turned on each other like-like animals!
Jeff Winger : What was the prize?
Garrett : *Was?* This is not over! This is still happening! *Right now!*
[Get's shot by Leonard]
Jeff Winger : Leonard? Leonard! I'm not playing!
Leonard : *Everyone's playing!*
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Pierce Hawthorne : [Abed, Jeff and Troy enter the vending machine area] Hey! What the hell?
Star-Burns : I got you covered, bro.
Pierce Hawthorne : You guys formed an alliance without me?
Jeff Winger : Yeah. You with Star-Burns?
Pierce Hawthorne : Not if I can be with you.
[shoots Star-Burns in the back]
Star-Burns : Ow!
Pierce Hawthorne : Ha. It's just Star-Burns.
Abed Nadir : Anyone else need a pee break?
Jeff Winger , Troy Barnes : Yeah.
Abed Nadir : Hey.
Star-Burns : Hey.
Pierce Hawthorne : I'll stand guard. I don't need to pee. I'm wearing a diaper for the game.
Jeff Winger : Oh, yeah.
[sarcastically]
Jeff Winger : "For the game."
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Britta Perry : Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize for you and your boys!
Shirley Bennett : That's nice.
Jeff Winger : Shirley, I'm gonna win that prize, but not for you or your boys!
Shirley Bennett : That's less nice.
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[the study group is pinned down by the glee club]
Jeff Winger : Pierce! Do NOT come over here!
Pierce Hawthorne : Screw you! I'm coming over there!
[Pierce crawls out from behind cover and gets hit multiple times]
Pierce Hawthorne : Medic!
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Jeff Winger : Don't tell me you had sex with me just to win at paintball.
Britta Perry : No. I had sex with you and I'm going to win at paintball. Don't be gross.
Jeff Winger : I'm gross? You seem pretty practiced at putting on panties one-handed while holding a gun. Can I get dressed before you assassinate me? So all that happened, it meant nothing to you?
Britta Perry : I didn't say that. What did it mean to you?
Jeff Winger : I asked you first.
Britta Perry : Very mature.
Jeff Winger : Said the woman wearing the Hello Kitty underwear.
Britta Perry : Said the woman holding the gun.
Jeff Winger : You sure that's a gun? 'Cause, maybe it's a metaphor for your fake, jaded persona.
Britta Perry : [paintball gun clicks] Uh-oh.
Jeff Winger : No paintballs, Hans? What do you think, I'm stupid?
Britta Perry : When'd you take my clip?
Jeff Winger : When you started seducing me.
Britta Perry : I wasn't though! Assuming that makes you way grosser.
Jeff Winger : Not when I'm right.
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Disco Stu : Study group! Come out and play-ee-ay!
Jeff Winger : Oh, look! It's post-ironic Disco Stu! You still trying to bring it back?
[Sees more disco-clad people on quad skates roll in]
Jeff Winger : Damn. He brought it back.
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Jeff Winger : Take cover!
Shirley Bennett : Run, Pierce!
Glee Club : La la la... La la la la la la la la la...
Abed Nadir : [hears singing in the distance] Glee club.
Britta Perry : How do you know it's the Glee Club?
Abed Nadir : Listen.
Glee Club : [harmonizing] La... La... Hit me with your best shot.
Annie Edison : Oh, brother!
Glee Club : Why don't you hit me with your best shot.
Annie Edison : [rises and yells] That is *so* uninspired!
[is shot]
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Jeff Winger : [to the members of the Glee club] Write some original songs!
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Dean Pelton : [after Jeff shoots his office] You get it all out of your system?
Jeff Winger : [laughs] Almost.
[Pulls a paintgun from behind his back and shoots Pelton in the forehead]
Dean Pelton : What do you want from me, Jeffrey?
Jeff Winger : Guess.
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Ben Chang : Buenos dias, children. You'll be happy to know you made it all the way till the end.
Jeff Winger : You're not even a student.
Ben Chang : Wrong! Critical media literacy and politics of gender, biatch!
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Britta Perry : The group would be thrilled. The wounded soldier fantasy means we're moments from doing it, right?
Jeff Winger : Yeah, can you feel that tension? It's a miracle we still have clothes on.
[snorts]
Britta Perry : You're right, you know. I am a phony. I try to act compassionate, because I'm afraid that I'm not.
Jeff Winger : Oh, please, I invented phony. You care about people. I accuse you of faking to convince myself I'm not such a jerk.
Britta Perry : Jeff, you help people more than I do, and you don't even want to. You're not... you're not a jerk. You're fine. Especially now that I've repaired your overworked torso with my trembling feminine fingers.
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Britta Perry : You know what? I say if any of us win the prize, we give it to Shirley as a Mother's Day gift.
Abed Nadir : Absolutely.
Jeff Winger : What? Abed, you don't have to do that. I am so sick of you guilting people with your phony humanitarian schtick.
Britta Perry : Phony? When I win, you can watch me do it.
Jeff Winger : Of course you'll do it, but that won't make it less phony. You know, you'd be a lot more likeable...
Britta Perry : If I never did anything for anybody ever?
Jeff Winger : Yeah. Because when you help people, that always turns out great.
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Jeff Winger : Are the girls in the game?
Troy Barnes : You mean Britta?
Jeff Winger : No, I don't mean Britta. Did I say Britta?
Troy Barnes : Twice now.
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Britta Perry : Well, if you're gonna be the fun police.
Jeff Winger : Okay, well, if I'm the fun police, then you're director of Funland security.
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Jeff Winger : You sure that's a gun? 'cause maybe it's a metaphor for your fake, jaded persona.
[clicks gun]
Jeff Winger : Uh-oh. No paintballs, Hans? What do you think, I'm stupid?
