- Jack Donaghy: These are exciting times for NBC. Not Seinfeld, Friends, ER exciting. More like 3-D episodes of Merlin exciting. But Kabletown is a fine company, even if it is from... Philadelphia.
- Liz Lemon: Go, Eagles!
- [Throws snowball at Jack]
- Jack Donaghy: Where did you get a snowball?
- Liz Lemon: Philly rules! Cheesesteaks, Bobby Clarke, Wil Smith! Boston sucks!
- Jack Donaghy: Boston is the greatest city in the world. Boston tea party, Boston cream pie, Boston Rob Mariano, birthplace of Benjamin Franklin...
- Liz Lemon: Yeah, and then he looked around, realized it sucked and moved to Philadelphia!
- Liz Lemon: Wait, your name is Wesley Snipes? That's insane!
- Wesley: This is insane? You know what's insane? That the actor is named Wesley Snipes! If you were shown a picture of him and a picture of me, and were asked "who should be named Wesley Snipes", you'd pick the pale Englishman every time! Every time, Liz!
- Liz Lemon: I'm sorry. You have a problem with the science of Hot Tub Time Machine?
- Wesley Snipes: Yeah, not the time travel. It's the hot tub. You don't just turn one on and it's immediately hot. I should know, I've been in a hot tub two times.
- Liz Lemon: Well, I don't question everything.
- Wesley Snipes: Except the snacks I got for us.
- Liz Lemon: Yeah, seltzer and Mike and Ikes?
- Wesley Snipes: Well, what did you want? Popcorn?
- Liz Lemon: Yes!
- Wesley Snipes: Popcorn? At the cinema? And by the way, your food obsession is not as endearing as you think it is.
- Liz Lemon: Huh.
- Wesley Snipes: It's like being in a Cathy cartoon that just won't end.
- Liz Lemon: Oh my god, I want to smash your face.
- Liz Lemon: Okay, mentor time. I need a pep talk.
- Jack Donaghy: Lemon, I'm not in the mood to solve your lady problems or listen to a story about whatever escapee from the Island of Misfit Toys you're currently dating.
- Liz Lemon: No, this is a Liz relationship emergency. It's a Liz-aster.
- Jack Donaghy: [sighs] Okay, Lemon. What is it?
- Liz Lemon: [sighs] Okay. Ever since I was little...
- Jack Donaghy: No, faster than that.
- Liz Lemon: My whole adult life...
- Jack Donaghy: No!
- Liz Lemon: Oprah says...
- Jack Donaghy: You have ten seconds.
- Jack Donaghy: Truth be told, I have not learnt a lot about Kabletown. It's a whole different business model.
- Kenneth Parcell: My cousin in Atlanta is a business model. She holds up staplers for catalogues.
- Jenna Maroney: So, how was your date with Wesley?
- Liz Lemon: Remember that scene in Notting Hill with the party in the garden? I'd rather see that terrible movie five times than go on another date with Wesley.
- Wesley: This is about love. It's like that brilliant movie, Notting Hill. I'm the handsome British man, she's... got certain angles that work for her.
- Jenna Maroney: I know what you're going through. I caught a lot of flack when I ate the pig that played Babe.
- Dot Com: Yet another black superstar taken down by his personal life.
- Jenna Maroney: Just like my favorite golf player, O.J. Simpson.
- Wesley: The universe wants us to settle for one another. Well, there has to be a reason this keeps happening to us, Liz. I think Fate is telling us this is the best we're ever gonna get. We're each other's settling soul mates.
- Liz Lemon: Settling soul mates? That is grim. And I've played Monopoly alone.
- Wesley: Well, I know it's not ideal, but we'd both benefit. I mean, I could open jars and kill bugs for you, and you could make me look less gay at work functions.
- Jack Donaghy: We can still save this. What did she reveal?
- Tracy Jordan: Everything! My addiction to prescription lenses, my attention deficit disorder... Jack, your shoes are really shiny.
- Jack Donaghy: [Jack gives the eulogy at the funeral of his mentor, Don Geiss] Don was the one who realized there was a whole segment of consumers not buying light bulbs: the asleep. That realization led him to develop the nightlight, and the marketing campaign aimed at making children afraid of the dark: "A monster under every bed."