- Jay Pritchett: I'm gonna teach Manny how to play.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Manny knows how to play. His father taught him.
- Jay Pritchett: I'm gonna teach him the real version, not the Colombian version. We use the pieces to play the game, not smuggle stuff out of the country.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I know one Colombian piece you won't be playing with later.
- Jay Pritchett: Take out any deep-seated anger you may have and come at me.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I don't have any deep-seated anger.
- Jay Pritchett: Remember that Halloween when I didn't let you dress up as Olivia Newton-John?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [Charging] YAAAAAAAH!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: [after throwing the chess game] Two more moves and...
- [Throat-slashing sound]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I'm a great chess player, but I'm a better wife.
- Phil Dunphy: Mot only that, the iPad comes out on my actual birthday. It's like God and Steve Jobs got together and said "We love you, Phil."