- Cyril Figgis: This isn't my fault.
- Sterling Archer: It's exactly your fault, idiot. When mother found out you cheated on Lana...
- Cyril Figgis: You cheated on Lana plenty!
- Sterling Archer: Yeah, but with starlets, models, oh, and one time two actual princesses.
- Pam: Two at the same time?
- Sterling Archer: Yeah, they were sisters.
- Pam: Sploosh.
- Lana Kane: Oh, my God, I am exhausted.
- Ray Gillette: Whereas I am merely confused. If you told every guy the same thing, then they all know that none of them had sex with you, so they're all gonna realize they're all lying.
- Pam Poovey: Hey, yeah.
- Lana Kane: But remember, they're dudes.
- Ray Gillette: Lana Kane, you magnificent bastard.
- Pam Poovey: I'm a desirable, full-bodied woman, but nobody will have sex with me! And I have so much love to give!
- [last lines]
- Malory Archer: Don't be shitty, can't we just enjoy the moment?
- Sterling Archer: [bleeding from multiple gunshot wounds] Yeah, how could we not?
- Malory Archer: [pause] Ass.
- Sterling Archer: I'm hungry.
- Malory Archer: So lick that coat. You smell like
- Sterling Archer: Grilled cheese.
- Malory Archer: What?
- Sterling Archer: Grill me a cheese.
- Malory Archer: I'm not grilling you a cheese!
- Malory Archer: So help me God, Sterling. Sometimes I think I've failed as a mother.
- Sterling Archer: Sometimes?
- Malory Archer: Oh, shut up!
- Cheryl: It's not you, it's your weak womany hands. It's like being choked by a child, which I thought would be hot, but...
- Dr. Krieger: Wait, I can take steroids!
- Sterling Archer: Yeah, tell me how my father might be Nikolai Jackov, head of the KGB, or Len Trexler, head of ODIN. I assume those are my only choices.
- Malory Archer: Ahem.
- Sterling Archer: Oh my. Who else?
- Malory Archer: Gene Krupa.
- Sterling Archer: What!
- Malory Archer: No, wait.
- Sterling Archer: The drummer?
- Malory Archer: Not Krupa, the other one with the teeth. Buddy Rich.
- Sterling Archer: Oh my.
- Malory Archer: I could never say no to a drummer.
- Sterling Archer: Could you say no to anybody?
- Malory Archer: [Slaps Sterling Archer] I said no to plenty.
- [first lines]
- [dreaming]
- Malory Archer: And that's your message, my God who...
- [wakes suddenly and grabs a gun]
- Malory Archer: Who's there? What do you want? Because all you're going to get is holes! I-I mean holes in you, not my...
- Agent Lana Kane: [over building intercom] Um, attention. Hi, this is Agent Kane, and if you want to have ball-slappy sex with me on Cyril's desk, please line up and take a number.
- Pam: [a group of guys show up immediately, Pam pushes to the front] You heard the lady. Take a number!
- [holds up #1 card]
- Malory Archer: Watlz in here, dressed like some sort of cattle rapist, waiving a cleaver, and reeking of what I hope to God is meat, and that's all you have to say?
- Sterling Archer: I'm gonna pain you dearly, Woodhouse, when I peel all your skin off with a flensing knife, sew it into Woodhouse-pajamas, and then set those pajamas on fire!
- Cyril Figgis: Why would Ms. Archer give us until Friday?
- Pam: I did that, because somebody in this building is going to have sex with me.
- Sterling Archer: Yeah? You think between now and Friday you can score some roofies?
- Lana Kane: You know, the whole monster hands thing. Starting to border on mean.
- Cheryl Tunt: Oh, you gonna go run and cry to Miss Archer like when Cyril cheated on you?
- Lana Kane: Well, at least my ex-boyfriend isn't a noose I made out of an extension cord.
- Cheryl Tunt: Guess what? She wasn't the only one Cyril cheated with!
- Lana Kane: And what is that supposed to mean?
- Cheryl Tunt: Figure it out, Truckasaurus!
- Lana Kane: OK, we got the French chick and Carol and... anybody else, Rambone?
- Cyril Figgis: Nooo.
- Scatterbrain Jane: [Waving as she walks past the open office door; in sing-song voice] Hiiii, Cyril.
- [Her light laughter turns into coughing and hacking]
- Lana Kane: Scatterbrain Jane? Really?
- Cyril Figgis: Well, say she had just been diagnosed with breast cancer.
- Lana Kane: [laughing] Oooh, right, I forgot your dick's full of radiation and mastectomy coupons.
- Cyril Figgis: Boy, you are just so determined not to be cool about this.
- Lana Kane: Yep. Anybody else?
- Cyril Figgis: Um.
- [Memory flashback to being in Malory's office]
- Cyril Figgis: Ms. Archer, you're trying to seduce me.
- [Malory is heard to laugh]
- Cyril Figgis: Aren't you?
- [Flashback ends]
- Cyril Figgis: NOPE! No one.
- Lana Kane: Okay; get out.
- Cyril Figgis: Of my own office?
- Lana Kane: Yep.
- Cyril Figgis: Why?
- Lana Kane: Oh, you don't wanna be here... when I bang every last dude in the building.
- Cyril Figgis: WHAT?
- Lana Kane: Right here on your blotter.
- Sterling Archer: Are you out of your mind?
- Malory Archer: What? I must be, because it looks like you just destroyed my Steuben bar set.
- Sterling Archer: Well, you just destroyed my innocence.
- Malory Archer: Oh, please! That Brazilian au pair did that when you were thirteen.
- Sterling Archer: Twelve.