- Haley Dunphy: The world is divided into two groups: cool girls and girls like you. And you have been given a rare opportunity to move from the former to the latter.
- Alex Dunphy: The latter to the former.
- Haley Dunphy: Whatever. Oh, my God, you're such a geek! Now, do you want to be smart, or do you want to popular?
- Claire Dunphy: Phil is going to bomb. It's not that he's not fun; he is so fun. He's just not fun-ny. It's probably my fault because I laugh at all of his jokes. With my mouth, not with my eyes.
- Phil Dunphy: Tonight is the SCARB.
- Claire Dunphy: The South California Annual Realtors Banquet.
- Phil Dunphy: I think they know what it is.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Knock it off, Jay, you don't know anyone's name here.
- Jay Pritchett: Are you kidding me? Carlos!
- [Man turns around]
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Lucky guess.
- Jay Pritchett: [Side Interview] I'm lucky only one turned around.
- Claire Dunphy: Sometimes I just think my job is to make sure you guys don't fall on your faces.
- Phil Dunphy: That's a hard job in the Dunphy house. We fall a lot.
- Claire Dunphy: I know.
- Phil Dunphy: Maybe your real job is to be the person who picks us back up. Nobody does that better than you.
- Cameron Tucker: Stop talking. I just need some time for this wound to become a scar.
- Mitchell Pritchett: I'm sorry I got Claire involved, but - and this is not a criticism - but sometimes you can be a little sensitive about your appearance.
- Cameron Tucker: Well, this *is* a criticism. Sometimes, you can be insensitive about everything.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Oh, my... I just... Cam, I just feel like our relationship's strong enough to survive a little candor. I mean... you could tell me if there's something about me you'd like to change.
- Cameron Tucker: [without missing a beat] I hate your beard.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Wow. Well, you had that bullet in the chamber.