- Claire Dunphy: Oh, my God. This bathroom is disgusting. The girls told me they would clean it days ago... I can't yell at them about it one more time. You handle it.
- Phil Dunphy: I would, but I promised Luke and Manny I'd take them go-karting for their good report cards.
- Claire Dunphy: What was good about Luke's report card?
- Phil Dunphy: ... he didn't lose it.
- Jay Pritchett: Honey, I love you, but why do you drag me into these things? You've got ti learn to say no to people!
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Fine. Ask me if you can go golfing now.
- Jay Pritchett: Other people.
- Mitchell Pritchett: Why me? We had amazing seats for Lady Gaga, and he gets sick. I've been looking forward to that concert for months. It's the one gay cliché I allow myself.
- Luke Dunphy: Mom, I don't feel good.
- Claire Dunphy: Did you finish your milkshake?
- Luke Dunphy: I think that was the problem.
- Guillermo: Are you aware that last year, Americans spent $40 billion on dog training?
- Jay Pritchett: Well, that's not true.
- Guillermo: I was as surprised as you are!
- Jay Pritchett: No, you were surprised because it's not true.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: Shh! Go on, Guillermo.
- Guillermo: Why is this multibillion dollar industry missing?
- Jay Pritchett: Multibillion dollars.
- Phil Dunphy: [Seeing the bathroom is still a mess] Sweet and sour chicken! Girls! Get back -
- [trips on bad step]
- Phil Dunphy: Gotta fix that step. Girls!
- Alex Dunphy: Did he just yell? Drive!
- Haley Dunphy: I'm trying!
- Phil Dunphy: You girls get back here right now!
- Alex Dunphy: Pretend you don't hear him.
- Phil Dunphy: I know you can hear me!
- Alex Dunphy: Oh my God, he's coming towards the car!
- Haley Dunphy: Oh my God!
- [Phil leaps on the hood of the car and both girls scream]
- Phil Dunphy: Stop this car!
- Alex Dunphy: We're sorry, Dad!
- Haley Dunphy: We couldn't hear you!
- Phil Dunphy: No more lies! You poked the bear, girls! You poked him!
- Manny Delgado: Claire, they said we have to be at least 13 to ride the fast ones.
- Claire Dunphy: They're 13. It's fine.
- Luke Dunphy: This is very confusing. At movie theatres, she says I'm 11.
- Phil Dunphy: See? You don't need all the conflict. Note to Claire: if you want intense family drama, rent Spy Kids. They saved their parents' lives; you think they would've done that if they got yelled at all the time?