- Leonard Hofstadter: Alright, well let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
- Sheldon Cooper: Screwed.
- Leonard Hofstadter: There you go.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, I appreciate the effort, but this is like, the worst date of my life.
- Howard Wolowitz: Seriously? I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual I met on JDate, and that didn't even crack my top 10.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother.
- Sheldon Cooper: No misunderstanding. I've learned what that request actually means, and I don't want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: In what way are you screwed?
- [last lines]
- [Amy and Sheldon are speaking to Amy's mother over a video computer connection on a laptop]
- Mrs. Fowler: It's nice to meet you too, Sheldon. I honestly didn't believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.
- Sheldon Cooper: I assure you I am quite real. And I'm having regular intercourse with your daughter.
- Mrs. Fowler: [in a surprised tone] What?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, yes. We're like wild animals in heat. It's a wonder neither of us has been hurt.
- Mrs. Fowler: [scared] Amy, what is he saying?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You wanted me to have a boyfriend, mother. Well, here he is.
- [Sheldon waves at the computer screen, while Mrs. Fowler nervously waves back]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh yes. It's time for me to make love to your daughter's vagina.
- [Mrs. Fowler makes a little yelp as Sheldon closes the computer top]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you, Sheldon; that went very well.
- Sheldon Cooper: Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship.
- [Amy stares at him blankly]
- Sheldon Cooper: Bazinga.
- [looks at his watch]
- Sheldon Cooper: Bedtime. Please show yourself out.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based *stink* of desperation.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So, Bernadette tells me she knows you from a self defense class?
- Joy: Yeah, Israeli Krav Maga, lots of fun. Basically a hundred different ways to rip a guy's nuts off.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Wow, didn't think there'd be that many.
- Joy: [lunging her hand at him] Number forty-two!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Whoa!
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [laughing] Isn't she a pip?
- Sheldon Cooper: What makes you chuckle, Leonard?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Um, recently? Not much.
- Sheldon Cooper: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Um... shut up.
- Raj Koothrappali: You remind me of the funny old story about a man who walks into a women's correctional institution with a stack of paperwork that would allow the female convicts to go free.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You're saying I couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a handful of pardons.
- Raj Koothrappali: Are you going to let me tell the story or not?
- Leonard Hofstadter: You have a girlfriend? How could you have a girlfriend? You can't even speak to women.
- Raj Koothrappali: Uh, two words: deaf chick. It doesn't matter if I can't talk because she can't hear me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: What?
- Raj Koothrappali: That's what she said.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You changed the address on the building? What about mail?
- Sheldon Cooper: No worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were "Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy."
- Sheldon Cooper: You know, it just occurred to me: if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of then there's probably a Sheldon who doesn't believe parallel universes exist.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Probably; what's your point?
- Sheldon Cooper: No point. It's just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle.
- Sheldon Cooper: Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, so?
- Sheldon Cooper: What does that mean?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you know how you're always saying that Amy is a girl who's your friend, and not your girlfriend?
- Sheldon Cooper: Uh-huh.
- Leonard Hofstadter: You can't say that anymore.
- Sheldon Cooper: What?
- Leonard Hofstadter: She obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Me? How am I supposed to fix it?
- Sheldon Cooper: Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone's girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships.
- Sheldon Cooper: Amy Farrah Fowler, that's the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, guys.
- Howard Wolowitz: Hey.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey.
- Sheldon Cooper: Alright, I'll bow to social pressure. Hey.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I'm off to meet Bernadette's friend. How do I look?
- Sheldon Cooper: As if one of the plants from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.
- Debbie Wolowitz: Howard, get the door!
- Howard Wolowitz: Why can't you get it?
- Debbie Wolowitz: You know I'm doing a bowel cleanse for my colonoscopy! I'm like an upside-down volcano here!
- Leonard Hofstadter: Have you considered telling her how you feel?
- Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.