Ted (2012)
Mark Wahlberg: John Bennett
Photos
Quotes
-
[from trailer]
[thunder is heard outside]
Lori : I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?
John : I am not!
[Ted comes running into the bed]
Ted : Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?
John : Fucking right.
Ted : Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.
John : Alright.
John , Ted : [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!"
[blow raspberries]
-
Ted : Oh hey listen, try this, I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.
[Ted passes a bong to John]
Ted : .
John : What is this?
Ted : It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.
John : It doesn't sound very mellow.
Ted : Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent"... Go on, spark it up!
-
[from trailer]
Ted : I met a girl; she's a cashier.
John : No way! That's awesome! We should fuckin' double date or something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?
Ted : White trash name. Guess.
John : Mandy.
Ted : Nope.
John : Marilyn.
Ted : Nope.
John : Brittany?
Ted : Nope.
John : Tiffany.
Ted : Nope.
John : Candace.
Ted : Nope.
John : Don't fuck with me on this! I know this shit!
Ted : Do you see me fuckin' with you? I'm completely serious.
John : Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you fuckin' buzz it, okay? You got me?
Ted : You do it. I will tell you. Yeah.
John : Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?
Ted : No.
John : Wait; was it any of those names with a "Lynn" after it?
Ted : *Yes*.
John : Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you!
[Ted laughs]
John : Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn...
Ted : Tami-Lynn.
John : [Exasperated] *Fuck*!
-
Ted : Oh look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get serious about openin' a restaurant we gotta start plannin' it now.
John : Italian.
Ted : Italian, yes.
John : What's the special on Tuesdays?
Ted : Eggplant parm.
John : Chopped salad half price.
Ted : And it's a non-restricted place.
John : Yeah. Wait, whaddaya mean?
Ted : Anybody can come.
John : Of course.
Ted : Jews are welcome.
John : Well yeah, I mean why wouldn't they be?
Ted : Exactly, that's what I'm saying.
John : Yeah, but why even bring that up?
Ted : You don't bring it up. You just let 'em in.
John : So why mention it?
Ted : No one will.
John : So why are we talking about it?
Ted : You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin' let 'em in.
John : Yeah, let 'em in.
Ted : Exactly.
John : Right.
Ted : Good.
John : Okay.
Ted : No Mexicans, though.
-
Lori : [Enters apartment and sees Ted and four hookers on the couch watching TV] Oh...
Ted : Lori, hey, you're home early.
Lori : What the hell is this?
Ted : The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.
Lori : This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?
Ted : Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!
Lori : [Looks down on floor] What is that?
Ted : Wha- what is what?
Lori : There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!
Ted : Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.
Lori : There is a shit on my floor!
Ted : Well, or, or, is the floor on the shit? Is what Kierkegaard would say.
John : [John pokes a lobster head from out the door] Rawr!
Ted : Hahaha!
John : Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!
Ted : Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.
John : [Enters the apartment] I found my phone. What's going on.
[John suddenly looks down on the floor]
John : Is that a shit?
[Lori looks at John]
-
John : Ted!
Ted : I'm alive, Johnny!
John : Oh, my God!
Ted : I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!
John : You're back!
Ted : Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever?
[starts laughing]
Ted : I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded.
John : You asshole!
Ted : Come here, you bastard. Ha-ha! Ah!
Lori : Welcome back, Ted.
John : It was you. You did it.
Ted : Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back.
Lori : No. No, no. I wished for my life back.
-
[Norah Jones is in her dressing room preparing a drink when Ted and John arrive]
Ted : Hey, play 'Chopsticks', you jazzy slut!
Norah Jones : Teddy!
Ted : Hahaha! How are you?
Norah Jones : [Hugs Ted] How are you, you fuzzy asshole?
Ted : Well, you know I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold over 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.
Norah Jones : Well, half-Indian, but... thanks.
Ted : Hey, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey listen - I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right? John Bennett, Norah Jones.
John : [Approaches Norah to shake her hand] Hi, hi, Norah Jones.
Norah Jones : Hey. Hey there, sweaty.
[wipes hand on her dress]
Norah Jones : Um, you ready to bring down the house?
John : Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Miss... Ma'am Jones, I... thank you.
Ted : Jesus, you look fantastic.
Norah Jones : Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.
Ted : [laughs] Yeah, I know, right? You mean... me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house. And we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room.
Norah Jones : Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.
Ted : Yeah, you know, I've written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.
-
John : [during a flashback to 2008] Chris Brown can do no wrong!
-
[John gets a phone call from Ted]
John : Excuse me.
[Walks out of the bar as he answers his phone]
John : Hey, Ted.
Ted : Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here, man!
John : Why? What's going on?
Ted : Okay, so I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here.
John : What?
Ted : Sam Jones, Flash Fucking Gordon is here.
John : Holy shit! What?
Ted : You remember I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin. And who do you think is with him? Sam Jones. Sam Jones is here. And John, his hair is parted down the middle.
John : Just like in the movie.
Ted : Yes. Get over here, right now.
John : [Whispers] Fuck, I can't! I'm with Lori here. I'm already on probation. I just... I can't.
Ted : John, Flash Gordon was the most important figure of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil. And that the word 'acting' apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.
John : [Breathing heavily] I'm coming.
[John runs back to the bar]
John : Rex, I gotta go. Look, I'll be back in like 30 minutes, tops, okay? But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone. If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.
Rex : I got your back on this. She won't know. I've been there.
John : Alright, this is one man to another. I don't really know you, but I'm trusting you as a man. This is serious.
Rex : Dude, one man to another, I got you on this.
John : Thank you. I'll be back.
[John runs out to Lori's car]
Rex : I'm gonna have sex with your girlfriend.
-
Lori : So, Tami-Lynn, why don't you... tell us a little bit about yourself, like where you're from? I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends.
Tami-Lynn : What do you mean, 'girlfriends'?
[Looking at Ted]
Tami-Lynn : What's it, like a lot of 'em or somethin'?
Ted : N-no, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? You didn't mean that.
Lori : No, what I meant to say was Ted's very handsome, so I'm always interested in meeting the ladies that can snatch him up.
Tami-Lynn : [mad] Did you just call me a whore?
Lori : [shocked] What?
Tami-Lynn : You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?
John : What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal.
Ted : Yeah, this was a nice evening.
Tami-Lynn : Don't talk shit to me.
Lori : I just asked you a question.
Tami-Lynn : You know, you're a frickin' snob. You think you're all cool, 'cause you work at some fuckin' fancy shit place? Whatever.
Ted : Take it easy.
[Looks at Lori]
Ted : Nice, Lori. Real nice.
Lori : Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English.
Tami-Lynn : [Gets up] Oh fuck you! Just 'cause you're on the business world and shit, you think what, everybody should suck your asshole or somethin'?
Ted : [Grabs Tami-Lynn's hand to calm her down] Okay, all right. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. We'll go back to my place for a couple of Vodka and Strawberry Quiks, all right? Come on.
Tami-Lynn : You know what? I gave birth once, bitch! I can kick your fuckin' ass! And you better never should you show your face around Quincy, you hear me? Ever!
Ted : Okay, okay, come on. Come on.
[Ted and Tami-Lynn walk out of the restaurant]
Ted : I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?
-
[Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission]
Norah Jones : Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett!
[John enters the stage and waves at the crowd]
Lori : Oh... my God.
Rex : Holy... shit.
[John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone]
Ted : I gotta fuck her again.
John : Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.
[Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song]
John : [singing off-key] All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...
Ted : Still better than Katy Perry.
John : [singing off-key] Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind /
[raises voice]
John : We move as one / We're an all-time high...
Rex : You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance!
[Crowd boos John as he continues to sing]
Angry fan : You're an asshole!
[Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage]
Norah Jones : Oh Jesus!
[Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]
-
[Sam pours tequila shots and hands them to John and Ted]
John : Thanks, Flash.
Sam J. Jones : There you go, my friend.
Ted : Thank you.
Sam J. Jones : [Offering a toast] Death to Ming!
John : Haha!
Ted : Yes!
[the trio down their shots]
Sam J. Jones : Oh, you guys seem pretty cool. You like to party?
[Rubs nose]
Sam J. Jones : [Blank stare at John and Ted's faces before they look at each other]
Ted : Uh, cocaine, right?
Sam J. Jones : Come on, dudes! Don't tell me you've never done it before.
John : Well, uh, well not recently, no.
Ted : I thought that was just for people in Florida.
Sam J. Jones : You better follow me. Come on.
[Sam walks away]
Ted : Johnny, I'm frightened.
-
[Rex escorts John to the second floor of his house, showing off all of his expensive memorabilia]
Rex : This is Wade Boggs' autographed bat. I just barely outbid Phil Donahue for that at an auction.
John : Wow, cool.
Rex : Yeah, cool.
[Pointing at boxing gloves on display]
Rex : These boxing gloves worn by Joe Louis in his first fight.
[Stops and points at abstract painting]
Rex : This is art. Get it?
[John shrugs]
Rex : [Pointing at glasses on display] These were John Lennon's glasses. They're worth like a million dollars.
[pointing at a photo frame]
Rex : That's me and Tom Skerritt. Oh, check this out.
[They stop in front of a display]
Rex : This is Lance Armstrong's nut. I had it freeze-dried and bronzed. Every now and then, when life's getting me down and things are tough, I just come up here... and look at that. It reminds me that... things aren't so bad.
John : Sometimes you feel like a nut.
Rex : [Looks at John] Sometimes you don't.
[They both walk to the bar]
Rex : So, talk to me, Jonny Quest, how are things with you and Lori?
John : You know, things are great, actually.
Rex : Oh that's great. That is great.
John : You know, uh, Lori would hate me for saying this, but, she told me how you are at the office. And as one gentleman to another, I just wanna say I really hope you fucking get Lou Gehrig's disease.
Rex : [Giggles] Well, uh, let me, uh, let me get to clear the air a little. I mean, yeah, I'm kind of a fun time boss and whatnot. But look, man, I do that with everyone at the office. I'm a kook. I have no desires on your girlfriend. We work together, and that's it. You know, I think you're a great guy, and she's a very lucky girl.
John : Well that's good to hear.
Rex : Yeah.
-
Donny : Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you, but uh, my-my son and I couldn't help but admire your teddy bear.
John : Oh. Oh, thank you.
Ted : Thanks.
Donny : Yeah. I-I'm Donny, this is Robert. I, uh... I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy and, uh... and I remember seeing you on the Carson show. You were just wonderful.
Ted : Oh, yeah, that was uh... that was a weird interview. Ed thought I was ALF, and he kept muttering anti-Semitic comments.
Donny : Hey-hey um...
Ted : He thought ALF was Jewish for some reason.
Donny : Have you ever considered selling the bear?
John : What?
Ted : Excuse me?
Robert : I want it.
Ted : [defensively] Hey, I'm not an "it", pal. I'm a "he", all right?
John : [stammers and stands up while speaking in a calm tone] I'm sorry, little guy, but my bear isn't for sale. See, I've- I've had him since I was about your age. He's very, very special to me.
Robert : Stand up straight when you're talking to me.
John : Why the fuck would he say that?
Donny : Sorry, you know, you really shouldn't swear in front of children. Uh... Look, we're very interested in the bear. If- if you want to make some sort of arrangement, here's my address and phone number. And uh... you can call me any time, okay?
John : Will do. Look. Here it goes, in the really important pocket for really important stuff. Okay? Okay.
Donny : Okay.
John : See you later.
Donny : Hey. Come on, Robert.
Ted : Take it easy.
-
John : Plus! A hooker took a shit in our apartment!
[Flashback to earlier]
Lori : OH GOD!
John : WHAT?
Lori : This is so gross!
John : Did you get it yet?
Lori : NO! I didn't get it yet!
John : Tell me when you get it!
Lori : OH MY GOD! I got some of it on my thumb!
John : NO! You will never be able to cook with that thumb again!
Lori : OH MY GOD! This is the most disgusting thing ever!
John : NO! Get it away from me!
-
Ted : Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life.
John : That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot.
Ted : No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl.
John : They're not that bad.
Ted : See, the fact that you have to say "they're not that bad" means that they are that bad. Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?
[in exaggerated Bostonian]
Ted : "Oh, yah! Oh, yah! Hahder! Hahder! Oh, god, that was so good. Now I'm going to stuff my fucking face with Pepperidge Farm."
-
[John rushes to Ted's apartment]
Ted : Johnny, thank Christ you made it.
John : Dude, I got 10 minutes. Where's Flash Gordon?
Ted : Okay, get ready. Hey Sam, this is the guy I was telling you about.
['Flash's Theme' plays as John sees Sam Jones turn around and walk toward him. He then imagines a scene from 'Flash Gordon' where they both ride a rocket cycle in the skies of Mongo]
Sam J. Jones : How you doing?
[Offers bro fist]
Sam J. Jones : Good to meet you.
John : [Does bro fist with Sam] I thank you for saving every one of us.
Sam J. Jones : You're welcome.
Ted : He acknowledged it!
Sam J. Jones : Let's do some shots.
John : With you?
Ted : Oh my God.
John : Yes! Oh my God, yes!
Ted : Totally, yes!
Sam J. Jones : Let's go!
-
Ted : Lori was right about you: you *cannot* take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.
John : Oh, and *you* can?
Ted : I don't *have* to! I'm a fucking *teddy bear*! Y'know somethin'? I didn't tie you up and *drag* you to that party, alright? I *wanted* you to come, because you're *supposedly* my best friend!
John : You can't stand there and tell me havin' been with Lori has always been a threat to our friendship! I mean, it always works out so much better for *you* when we're sittin' around gettin' *fucked* up on the couch till nine am, doesn't it?
Ted : [Scoffs] Listen to yourself. What am I, Emperor Ming here controllin' your mind? That's *your* choice, John! And by blamin' me, you're just makin' yourself look like a pussy.
-
Ted : Listen. You got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori.
John : There's no putting things right. She fucking hates me.
Ted : No, John. We can... We can get her back. Look, you remember when you were 10, and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun? And then when we saw it fall from the tree, we both started crying, you remember? And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life. John, we could do that again.
John : Ted, we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR. It died.
-
Ted : You know, you're acting like a cock, you know that?
John : What, I'm acting like a cock?
Ted : Yes, you are, so shut your meat hole for a second, and listen to me.
John : Huh?
Ted : Meat hole, huh, wait, that's not right, is it? No, pudding hole is that what they say? No, it can't be right either, because
[impersonating Roger Waters]
Ted : you can't have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat!
[chuckles]
Ted : Pink Floyd.
-
[John is in Thomas' office for being late and for Ted damaging one of the rental cars]
Thomas : John, it's almost 10:00.
John : I know, sir. I'm sorry, it wasn't my fault.
Thomas : What do you mean?
John : Why? I, I guess I wasn't really prepared for a follow-up question.
Thomas : John, all you got to do is to not fuck up, and you get my job when I go to Corporate next month. You're the new branch manager. All you got to do is not fuck up.
John : I realize that.
Thomas : Good. Glad to hear. Because in a month, my life could be your life. A cushy, $38,000 a year branch manager who is personal friends with Tom Skeritt? Not a bad life, is it?
John : No.
Thomas : [Taps desk] Let me show you something that I don't like to show people, because I don't want them treating me differently.
[Pulls out a picture frame from his top drawer]
Thomas : Lo, that's me and Skeritt.
John : Wow.
Thomas : Goddamn right, wow.
[Places picture frame back in drawer]
Thomas : I'm gonna dock you for dinging the car and for showing up late, okay? Try to be a little more responsible tomorrow.
John : I will, sir. I promise.
[as Thomas writes the disciplinary report, John points at him with both hands]
John : [Impersonating Tom Skeritt] Not gonna let you down, Goose.
Thomas : What?
John : Top Gun.
Thomas : So?
John : Tom Skeritt.
Thomas : I know that. Get out of here, okay?
John : Thank you, sir.
