Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)
Critic and Nerd: TMNT Making of Coming Out of Their Shells (2009)
Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic
Quotes
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The Nostalgia Critic : Hey, MC Hammer called. He's being out-sucked.
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The Angry Video Game Nerd : They're NOT real! Stop acting like they're fucking real!
The Nostalgia Critic : They don't even look like the real Ninja Turtles. They look like Ninja Frogs. You're listening to frogs! It's all a lie!
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The Angry Video Game Nerd : [about Splinter] Why the fuck does he look like roadkill? He looks like road that's been killed more than in Ninja Turtles III.
The Nostalgia Critic : What does that mean?
The Angry Video Game Nerd : It means road that's been killed... it... that... I don't know, it means I'm angry!
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The Angry Video Game Nerd : Oh my God, that is the WORST Shredder I've ever seen! What is he, Iron Chef Shredder?
The Nostalgia Critic : Hey, where'd you get that costume from? Target or Wal-Mart?
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The Nostalgia Critic : This is pretty much the worst thing to ever have the Ninja Turtles name on it.
The Angry Video Game Nerd : This is even worse than Ninja Turtles... Three.
[Critic shudders, Nerd crosses himself]
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The Nostalgia Critic : [as Mikey] Well we gotta get out our sexual aggression somehow. Lord knows we're surrounded by pipes and a hot chick in a jumpsuit that we can't touch, 'cause you know, we're fucking turtles. So you make do with what you got.
The Angry Video Game Nerd : [as Raph] Yeah, we're horny in a half shell.
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The Nostalgia Critic : I think they just gave up on sentences and just started shouting random words; Excellent!
The Angry Video Game Nerd : Awesome!
The Nostalgia Critic : Radical!
The Angry Video Game Nerd : Tubular!
The Nostalgia Critic : Paper!
The Angry Video Game Nerd : Olive Garden!
The Nostalgia Critic : The alphabet!
The Angry Video Game Nerd : Goat cheese!
The Nostalgia Critic , The Angry Video Game Nerd : Yeah!
[they clink mugs]
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The Nostalgia Critic : I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
The Angry Video Game Nerd : I'm the fucking Nerd.
The Nostalgia Critic : I remember it so you don't have to.
The Angry Video Game Nerd : And I... shit on your mom's face.
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The Nostalgia Critic : Is it me or do all the turtles have the exact same voice?
The Angry Video Game Nerd : I think they just paid one asshole to do the whole thing.
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The Nostalgia Critic : This is like Spinal Tap, only not funny.
The Angry Video Game Nerd : More like Spinal Crap.
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The Nostalgia Critic : Has anybody noticed that this is starting to sound like Christian rock music? Because, you know, that wasn't lame enough.
[as Michaelangelo]
The Nostalgia Critic : And now I'd like to tell you about this other dude I know.
The Angry Video Game Nerd : [as turtle] Who's that, Raph?
The Nostalgia Critic : A totally gnarly dude named Jesus. He died for our sins, and that's awesome!
The Angry Video Game Nerd : Jesus rocks, dude!
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The Nostalgia Critic : [as Donatello] Well, my work here is done. Time to get rip-roarin' drunk.
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The Nostalgia Critic : Good God those kids look bored. They're not even looking up. They're looking at the floor. They actually find the floor more engaging than the giant green reptiles. You have to suck PRETTY HARD for that to happen.
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The Nostalgia Critic : Oh my God!
The Angry Video Game Nerd : What the hell is that?
The Nostalgia Critic : That's putrid.
The Angry Video Game Nerd : That's heinously anus.
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Splinter : [on video] They are definitely happening... musically.
The Nostalgia Critic , The Angry Video Game Nerd : What the fuck does that mean?
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The Angry Video Game Nerd : Cowabunga.
The Nostalgia Critic , The Angry Video Game Nerd : Cowa-buncha-dick-cheese.
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The Angry Video Game Nerd : Boy, do we have the biggest piece of shit fucking,
The Nostalgia Critic : Cock blowing,
The Angry Video Game Nerd : Horse raping,
The Nostalgia Critic : Splooge drinking,
The Angry Video Game Nerd : Anal fucking,
The Nostalgia Critic : Monkey jerking,
The Angry Video Game Nerd : Dick knocking,
The Nostalgia Critic , The Angry Video Game Nerd : Biggest piece of cow diarrhea we've ever seen. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Coming Out of Their Shells Tour.
The Angry Video Game Nerd : More like coming out of their ASS.
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The Nostalgia Critic : Believe it or not, there was actually time when the Ninja Turtles were so big that they actually had their own rock band put together. I am dead serious.
The Angry Video Game Nerd : Dead fucking serious. There's people dressed up in costumes, running around on stage, performing some of the worst songs you've ever heard in your fucking life.
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The Nostalgia Critic : [imitating producer] We didn't care that they were hideous mutated creatures. We worked with Courtney Love for crying out loud.
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The Nostalgia Critic : Oh wait, there is one scene where he hands a guy a power cord.
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The Angry Video Game Nerd : Excuse me, can you tell me how to get to Cowabunga Corner?
The Nostalgia Critic : Why certainly, it's right off Bodacious Boulevard.
The Angry Video Game Nerd : 'The hell kind of city is this?
The Nostalgia Critic : A fucking weird one.
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The Nostalgia Critic : And look, it's April! It has to be her, cause she's wearing yellow. You can give her any face or hairstyle you want, but as long as she's wearing yellow, their fucking little brains will buy it.
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The Nostalgia Critic : At the height of this musical ass-fisting came a video showing us a behind the scenes look at the band's creative ability, simply known as The Making of The Coming Out of Their Shells Tour. Look at the size of Mikey's head, he looks like a child molesting alien.
The Angry Video Game Nerd : And it wouldn't be so bad if they just showed how they put the costumes together and how the mechanics work, but no, they stay in character the whole fucking time.
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The Angry Video Game Nerd , The Nostalgia Critic : [Leonardo plays a one-string bass] How the fuck is that possible?
The Nostalgia Critic : You cannot play bass with just one string on your guitar. That's like trying to play tennis with just one string on your raquet!
[screams]
The Nostalgia Critic : IT DOESN'T WORK!
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The Angry Video Game Nerd : [about what message the band is trying to convey] Eat fattening pizza?
The Nostalgia Critic : Annoy your parents and play loud instruments?
The Angry Video Game Nerd : No, no, here's what the message is...
The Angry Video Game Nerd , The Nostalgia Critic : Buy our fucking products!
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The Nostalgia Critic : God, this is making the Country Bear Jamboree look like Metallica! It's just painful!
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The Nostalgia Critic : Hello, and welcome to Angry Nerd-Nostalgia Critic review.
The Angry Video Game Nerd : Boy, do we have some great fun planned today, don't we, Critic?
The Nostalgia Critic : We sure do, Nerd.
[they clink mugs]
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Raphael : Whoa, and if you coulda heard us at first, man, we were bad. Like, thank you, dude. Next!
The Angry Video Game Nerd : Yeah, not like now. Now we're fucking awesome!
The Nostalgia Critic : We're incredible.
The Angry Video Game Nerd : We're like gods.
The Nostalgia Critic : We play for the Pope.