- Señor Chang: Greetings you little snots!
- Molly: You're not Drugs.
- Señor Chang: Oh but I AM. Disappointed? Did you expect me to stay the same forever? Because that's not what Drugs does baby! I'm gonna deep fry your dog and eat your momma's face. And I'm going to wear your little brother's skin like pajamas! I control your lives, and there's nothing you can do.
- Paul: Let's kill him.
- Señor Chang: Oh! Bring it on Bow-Wow!
- Abed Nadir: Annie, question. Is Pierce marijuana, and does marijuana help people work faster? I thought it made them just custom-paint their vans and solve mysteries.
- Dean Pelton: Okay, welcome to Greendale's Drug Awareness Show! Okay, our volunteers are handing out drug-free baseballs! Huh? Next time you think about drugs, think about baseball instead.
- Jeff Winger: Hey, Marcus. I'm Jeff. I'm, like, uh, Britta's boyfriend.
- Marcus: Look, dude, she started it. She's just so into me.
- Jeff Winger: No, listen, I'm not mad. I was just fooling around and I sent those texts.
- Marcus: Gross.
- Jeff Winger: Yeah. It's disgusting, sending those pictures to your aunt.
- Marcus: More disgusting than what you texted to an underage boy?
- Jeff Winger: I didn't know you were you.
- Marcus: I didn't know you weren't my aunt.
- Jeff Winger: Okay. Let's just call this a draw.
- Shirley Bennett: That was brave of you. I owe you an apology. It was rude to call you crazy. Maybe I haven't been giving you enough credit.
- Señor Chang: Oh, that's really sweet. Tell you what, why don't I go get Chang, and you can tell him that yourself.
- Shirley Bennett: [Shirley chuckles] Heh, heh.
- [Shirley realizes Chang is crazy]
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, no.
- Señor Chang: Did someone say crazy person?
- Jeff Winger, Britta Perry: [unison] No.
- Señor Chang: Well, I heard it.
- Pierce Hawthorne: I noticed on page 15 I get flushed down a toilet.
- Jeff Winger: Consider yourself lucky.
- Señor Chang: Are you ignoring me because I'm Korean?
- Shirley Bennett: You're Chinese.
- Señor Chang: Oh, there's a difference?
- Annie Edison: Shh!
- Shirley Bennett: It's because you're crazy. There's something wrong with you. And the idea that I was with you means there's something wrong with me.
- Annie Edison: Guys, let's remember why we're doing this. If our work helps even one kid make better choices, then it will all be worth it. I wish I had seen a show like this when I was younger. It might have helped me avoid my mistakes.
- Britta Perry: Well, we're happy to do this for you Annie, but I have to say, my school had plenty of shows like this and I think sitting through them drove me to drugs.
- Annie Edison: You don't count Britta. You don't respond to anything appropriately.
- Britta Perry: [sarcastically] Thank you!