Community (TV Series)

Competitive Wine Tasting (2011)

Chevy Chase: Pierce Hawthorne

Photos 

Quotes 

• Shirley Bennett : So many classes. I don't know what to choose.

  Pierce Hawthorne : I'll give you the same advice my father gave me the night I lost my virginity. "Just pick one, they all cost the same".

• Jeff Winger : Pierce. I'd like to offer sincere congratulations. It's hard to find people you can stand, let alone someone willing to stomach your imminent dementia and present incontinence.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Thank you, Jeff. I just hope she can satisfy me. I'm like an insatiable baboon in the bedroom.

  Jeff Winger : Don't sell yourself short. You're a baboon everywhere.

• Jeff Winger : Why would a woman want a Plymouth on blocks when she could have a Testarossa with a six-speed stick?

  Pierce Hawthorne : Because my stick is ribbed for her pleasure.

  Jeff Winger : I think those are wrinkles.

• Pierce Hawthorne : I couldn't be more touched that you all threw us an engagement party.

  Shirley Bennett : You said if we didn't, you'd slash our tires.

  Wu Mei : [laughing]  Ha, ha, ha. She is funny. Like Oprah.

  Shirley Bennett : Oprah's not a comedienne.

  Wu Mei : No, you are funny, and you are like Oprah.

  [laughing] 

  Wu Mei : Heh, heh, heh. Yeah.

  Shirley Bennett : What?

  Wu Mei : Thank you.

• Britta Perry : You said you guys just met?

  Pierce Hawthorne : Yesterday, after wine tasting class I mentioned that her breasts were larger than most Asian women, and uh... we just got to talking.

  Wu Mei : Turns out Pierce has been to China many times.

  Troy Barnes : It's the only place to get fireworks too dangerous for Mexico.

  Pierce Hawthorne : No. I go to visit my factory. Hawthorne Wipes are the number-one towelette in Asia. Anyway, after a few minutes, we both just knew we were meant to be together forever. Or at least until she gets heavy.

  Wu Mei : And, uh, now we must leave you. Many plans to make.

• Pierce Hawthorne : What's she doing here?

  Jeff Winger : I asked her to come. I was thinking maybe you two were meant to be together. You're both rude, you're both deceitful and racist, and you both come from moist-wipe dynasties. I think having that much in common justifies at least one real date.

  Pierce Hawthorne : [sighs]  I guess we could go out to dinner.

  Wu Mei : You're paying.

  Pierce Hawthorne : You're dressing slutty.

  Wu Mei : Fine.

  Pierce Hawthorne : How about Mexican?

  [Pierce puts his arm around Mei's shoulder as they exit] 

  Wu Mei : How about Thai? They're like Chinese Mexicans.

  Pierce Hawthorne : Hmm. So true.

  Wu Mei : Mmm.