- Troy Barnes: Professor Duncan, you are such a great teacher when you're drinking.
- Professor Duncan: Thank you, Daryl.
- Abed Nadir: It's Troy.
- Troy Barnes: Hey, if the man wants to give "Daryl" an A, let him do it.
- Professor Ian Duncan: [He raises a glass of wine] Here is to never telling the dean. Cheers.
- [the dean comes into the classroom and Professor Duncan smashes his glass on the floor]
- Professor Ian Duncan: And that is what Jews do at weddings. Anthropology. L'chaim!
- Ben Chang: Chang babies are always premature. We gestate fast because we're better at obtaining nutrients. Some need only eight months, depending on how much of the mother they eat.
- Pierce Hawthorne: [about Abed and Troy's secret handshake] So how does it work?
- Troy Barnes: I don't know, we just do it when one of us says something awesome.
- Pierce Hawthorne: All right. Betty Grable.
- [Abed and Troy stare blankly at him and do nothing]
- Pierce Hawthorne: I said, "Betty Grable."
- [He gets ready to do the handshake. After a moment, Abed does the handshake with him, but then bows his head in shame. Pierce expects Troy to do the handshake as well]
- Troy Barnes: [Sad] No.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yes.
- Troy Barnes: [Starts to sob] No.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Do it. Make your money, whore.
- Troy Barnes: [Sobs heavier, but reluctantly does the handshake] Who's Betty Grable?
- Dean Pelton: [to the journalist] Wowee. This is a real college. So after this, we should check out the World Food Festival in the parking lot.
- Star-Burns: [Amazed] No way.
- Dean Pelton: There are lunch trucks with 18 different nationalities of food. You know what? Not different, equal. Equal to whites. You know what? Better than whites.
- Jeff Winger: I think that sounds like an awesome thing to do immediately. I bet the reader... of Dean Magazine would love it.
- Students: [unison] Mmm.
- Dean Pelton: All right. Not to worry. This kind of thing happens all the time.
- Mr. Jacobson: Are a lot of babies born in classrooms?
- Dean Pelton: Well, a lot more are conceived. Heh, heh, heh. No, Paul, that's off the record. And not true. Sort of.
- Dean Pelton: I didn't even know there was a difference between North and South Korean barbeque. I mean, M.A.S.H. lasted longer than that war. Get over it. Am I right?
- Ben Chang: This has got to be a Chang baby. Changs are never born in hospitals. More like taxicabs, hardware stores, bank lines, sewers. My nephew Jin was born on a treadmill at Bally Total Fitness. Twenty-percent incline.
- Abed Nadir: Shirley, pretend I'm saying this in a soothing, non-robotic voice. We won't make it to the hospital.
- Shirley Bennett: I'm gonna have this baby at a hospital with my husband, the father of my baby.
- Ben Chang: n which case, what you need to do is elevate your legs over your head while facing the northeast corner of the room. But try not to look at the door, that's bad luck. Chang babies are very superstitious. Also, if you can visualize a rabbit riding a dragon it'll increase his chances of winning lotteries.
- Jeff Winger: What are you doing? Get in there.
- Britta Perry: Me? Forget it, I'm the worst.
- Jeff Winger: Well, that's a discussion for a different time. Look, Britta, there is something in you that wants to take care of people so bad that you'll do it until you puke. That's what Shirley needs right now.
- Britta Perry: Are you saying I'll be a good mom?
- Jeff Winger: [laughs] What? No. Man, you will really force anything, won't you? Just get in there and force that baby out of Shirley.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Well, what's it gonna be?
- Abed Nadir: What?
- Pierce Hawthorne: I wanna buy the rights to your handshake. Do we have a deal?
- Troy Barnes: Pierce, we're about to take Shirley to the hospital. This is not the time.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Oh, it's the time. According to my watch, it's 1,000 o'clock.
- [Pierce allows 10 $100 dollar bills to dangle from his watch hand]
- Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes: Deal.
- [Troy takes the money]
- Pierce Hawthorne: Great. So how does it work?
- Troy Barnes: I don't know, we just kind of do it when one of us says something awesome.
- Abed Nadir: Yeah.
- Pierce Hawthorne: All right. Betty Grable.
- [Abed looks away as Troy looks confused at Pierce]
- Pierce Hawthorne: I said, "Betty Grable."
- [Abed half-heartedly does the handshake with Pierce then looks away in shame]
- Troy Barnes: [Pierce looks to Troy] No.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yes.
- Troy Barnes: [choking back tears] No.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Do it. Make your money, whore.
- [sobbing Troy does the handshake with Pierce and cries out]
- Troy Barnes: Who's Betty Grable?
- Pierce Hawthorne: Yeah, that's the stuff.
- [satisfied Pierce turns and exits]
- Britta Perry: So have you considered natural childbirth?
- Shirley Bennett: Are you kidding me? I'll take whatever they got. An epidural is a proper Christian woman's only chance to get wrecked.
- Jeff Winger: Listen, backseat birther, Shirley's on her third kid. She doesn't need a thirty year old slacker with two one-eyed cats governing her body.
- Britta Perry: First of all, together, my cats can do anything. Secondly, you've disqualified yourself from this conversation the moment you decided to grow a wang.
- Jeff Winger: I regret nothing.
- Britta Perry: I feel sorry for the airhead you're gonna knock up at the age of 70. You're gonna be sitting in the waiting room playing solitaire on your BlackBerry while a life is created 10 feet from you.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, and you're gonna squat in a babbling brook and a beautiful star child is gonna slide out on a ray of sunshine while your cats each half watch, because you're so natural.
- Shirley Bennett: Besides, a woman knows these things.
- Britta Perry: Women have a connectedness to their bodies that you would never understand.
- Jeff Winger: [whispering] You have a booger.
- Britta Perry: [starts to check her nose then stops] I know, it's part of me.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, Father, God Almighty, this isn't happening. It's too soon. I don't want my baby's first memory to be Star-Burns.
- Shirley Bennett: You said Chang babies all come this way?
- Ben Chang: Yup, like a bullet from a gun.
- Shirley Bennett: And they're all okay?
- Ben Chang: Hell, yeah. More than okay. Super babies. Seven generations of little scrappers born in the worst conditions you can imagine.
- Shirley Bennett: Tell me.
- Ben Chang: My cousin slid out feet first in a Pickle Barrel. My uncle was born during rainy season in a Mongolian sheep pasture. My brother, born under a crowded noodle bar while my grandfather finished his shrimp. Nothing can stop us. Not the hurricanes, not the communists, not the feds, not the Girl Scouts.
- Abed Nadir: [Counting money] Four hundred, 500.
- Troy Barnes: It's like a million bucks in dog dollars.