- Claire Dunphy: Are you watching Gloria in my sunglasses?
- Phil Dunphy: Is she moving in slow-motion, or is my brain doing that?
- Mitchell Pritchett: [They've lost Lily in a banana plantation] Why did you dress her in jungle prints?
- Cameron Tucker: I thought it would be cute!
- Mitchell Pritchett: She's gonna think she's back in Vietnam!
- Jay Pritchett: I want the biggest cheeseburger you got. Instead of salad, I want fries. Instead of fruit, I want chilli fries.
- Phil Dunphy: In nature, fathers are known to eat their young. Is it because they're delicious? No. It's because they want to give their female... bear, giraffe, what have you... the honeymoon they never had. Just to be clear: I don't condone eating your kids, although I sure as heck know why giraffes do it.
- Manny Delgado: Okay, let me just say what everyone's thinking: my jacket's a mess. It wouldn't be, but someone used the iron to make grilled cheese.
- Luke Dunphy: I had bread, I had cheese, and I had an iron. What was I supposed to do?
- Cameron Tucker: We've made friends all over the world. We're still in touch with Elunga, a man we met on safari in Tanzania. We send him some of our old T-shirts. He was a nice man when we met him, but from his latest pictures we suspect he's become a warlord.
- Mitchell Pritchett: We actually send him all of our old clothes.
- Cameron Tucker: He was a very nice man when we met him, but based on his recent letters, I have a small fear he's become a warlord.
- Claire Dunphy: [At Jay's birthday dinner] Well, look who decided to join us. And where is your sister?
- Alex Dunphy: She's in our bathroom throwing up.
- Claire Dunphy: Well, what happened?
- Alex Dunphy: You're not going to like this as much as I do, but she's drunk.
- Manny Delgado: Don't you want to keep the room neat? You know, in case we entertain?
- Luke Dunphy: Who would we entertain?
- Manny Delgado: I noticed some lovely tweens down by the kid's club. Maybe we can find a nice spot near them by the pool and send over a couple of virgin mai-tais. They may be interested in two sophisticated guys like us.
- Luke Dunphy: [Wearing a shower cap and flippers and holding a hair dryer] I am a bathroom Martian. Beep boop boop! I come from the great toilet nebula. Beep boop beep boop bop!
- Mitchell Pritchett: You don't know what you're missing. 45 varieties of lavender.
- Cameron Tucker: You're not making the compelling case you think you are.
- Gloria Delgado-Pritchett: I thought one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all this swimming and running and rowing... it's just like how some of my relatives got into this country.
- [Jay is stuck in a hammock after his back gives out]
- Jay Pritchett: I'm stuck. I laid down, my back went out.
- Phil Dunphy: Oh. Well, don't you worry. We're gonna get you out of here. Grab on.
- Jay Pritchett: Yeah, you know, Phil, this might not be the best...
- Phil Dunphy: No, no, no, no, no. I'm just gonna rock you. Like a hurricane. I'm kidding. You're too old to get that.