Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic

Quotes 

• Dad : Where did you get it? Answer me!

  Nostalgia Critic : [imitating Dad]  Answer me, you little punk!

  Dad : Who taught you how to do this stuff?

  Nostalgia Critic : Who taught you how to do this stuff?

  Son : You, alright? I learned it by watching you.

  Nostalgia Critic : [gasps]  You stole my drugs, you bastard! I'll kill you, I'll kill you!

• Nostalgia Critic : God, this looks serious.

  [Pee-wee Herman appears on screen; mouths] 

  Nostalgia Critic : What the fuck?

• Nostalgia Critic : So we cut to a class being taught by the Ninja Turtles. How did I miss that class growing up?

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Pee-wee Herman's anti-crack ad]  This is just a few weeks before the infamous movie theater scandal where Paul Reubens was found whacking off in public. Kind of a mixed message there, Pee-wee. I mean, how do you think the follow-up PSA for this went?

  [talking like Pee-wee] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Hey, kids, just remember crack is whack, but whack's the smack. So whack off whenever you can! Ha! Ha ha ha.

• Crazy Teen Girl : [after smashing things around the kitchen]  Any questions?

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, what the hell kind of drugs are you on?

• Nostalgia Critic : [a Star Wars PSA with C-3PO and R2-D2 is shown]  Though this isn't really as much about drugs as it is about smoking, this Star Wars PSA definitely deserves mentioning. Why? Because it actually shows R2-D2 lighting up! WHAT THE HELL? I didn't even know robots had lungs to damage!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about one PSA that says "Be an Original"]  Wouldn't that technically mean not listening to what the TV is telling me to do? It's kinda like a weird Zen riddle: if I do what the TV tells me, I won't be an original. But if I DON'T do what the TV tells me, I'll be following everyone else! God, I wish I had some drugs.

• Nostalgia Critic : [after seeing Pee-wee Herman's anti-crack ad]  Oh God. Where do I start?

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Pee-wee's Playhouse]  Look at this show and tell me it wasn't somehow inspired by an illegal substance. No sober person could possibly come up with this.

• Nostalgia Critic : What a twist. He just M. Night Shyamalan-ed my ass!

• Nostalgia Critic : Pee-wee Herman talking to me about crack is absolutely *hilarious*. If it was Paul Reubens, the actor who *played* Pee-wee, telling me about crack, *maybe* that could work. But when Pee-wee Herman, not Paul Reubens, says "This is crack," I die a little inside. I die of laughter, and I know I look very together and collected right now, but when I first saw this, I had to go through hours and *hours* of laughter to get to this point. I mean, that's hours of oxygen probably taken off the end of my life that I will never get back. It is *that* hilarious.

• C-3PO : I don't think smoking is grown up at all.

  Nostalgia Critic : Yes, now, golden robots and trash cans on wheels, THAT's very adult.

• Nostalgia Critic : Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Hey, kids, it's best not to do drugs. Why? Because it's bad for you, it kills your brain cells, it makes you stupid, you could get arrested for it, and it's really really addictive which means that it's hard to stop doing it. So if you don't wanna go through all that stuff, just stay away from drugs... WHY IS THAT SO HARD? Just tell your kids the truth, and they'll get the idea! But nope, public service announcements wanna scare the shit out of us by making it look like drugs came from the Devil and if you take drugs you turn into one of his evil little minions. These PSAs were so far-fetched, you couldn't help but laugh at them. Which is why today, I am bringing you the Top 11 Greatest Drug PSAs ever. Why Top 11? Because I like to go one step beyond. So, pull up a couch and enjoy what I'm sure is medicinal in your hand. This is the Top 11 Greatest Nostalgic Drug PSAs.

• [the Critic is watching a PSA where a dad learns that his son learned to do drugs through him] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Actually, I love this PSA, because I always wondered how the conversation went afterwards.

  [as dad] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I taught you how to do this, son?

  [as son] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Yeah, well, you were high while you were doing it.

  [as dad] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh yeah yeah, that makes sense, yeah. So, uh, did you ever figure out where to buy the filters for the bongs?

  [as son] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, most places like Ace Hardware don't sell them anymore, you know, for this exact reason, but there's still a lot of places online that could hook you up, and for reasonable prices too.

  [as dad] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Really?

  [as son] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Oh yeah, real cheap.

  [as dad] 

  Nostalgia Critic : I taught you well, son.

  [as son] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, I had a good teacher...

  [normal voice] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Now that's a PSA I would listen to!

• Nostalgia Critic : Never let David Lynch direct a drug PSA.

• Nostalgia Critic : You will never hear a greater defense in all of junior high history.

  Boy in Commercial : I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey.

  Nostalgia Critic : This insult was so good that the bully had no choice but to stuff himself in his own locker, where he hanged himself with the straps of his backpack. It is that good.