Community (TV Series)

Pascal's Triangle Revisited (2010)

John Oliver: Professor Ian Duncan

Photos 

Quotes 

• Professor Ian Duncan : You know, you don't actually have to lie on a sofa like it's a Woody Allen movie.

  Britta Perry : Thank you for telling me that in the last session, dumbass.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Now, look... there are bugs on the windshield of your mind you may never be able to squeegee, like a certain birthday party attended by a rather enterprising transient in a dinosaur costume. But there are other more recent streaks that you might yet be able to wipe clear, like your adolescent fear of being a so-called blow-up doll. I really think this nomination may actually help that.

  Britta Perry : So you think id feel better about myself if I got all sexed up, went over there, and really tried to be crowned queen of the dingbats?

  Professor Ian Duncan : Precisely.

  Britta Perry : Wow. Guess you really get what you pay for with free therapy.

  [rises from couch] 

  Professor Ian Duncan : Ouch. That stung a little bit. Thanks.

  Britta Perry : [opens door to leave]  Oh.

  Señor Chang : [disgustedly]  Oh.

  Britta Perry : I'll save you some time. He listens to you talk for a year, then recommends a makeover.

  Señor Chang : Well, don't wear as much lipstick as you did on Valentine's Day. Your mouth looked like a coin purse.

• Professor Ian Duncan : Senor Chang... Greendale's foremost, if only, Spanish teacher. What can I do for you?

  Señor Chang : I am actually a student now.

  Professor Ian Duncan : [quietly]  Oh.

  Señor Chang : But I was thinking, as a teacher and as my friend, um... if you could help me... cheat my way through school.

  Professor Ian Duncan : I have a counterproposal. How about... I point out to you that we've never actually been friends, then laugh at your very well-deserved misfortune? Let's just try that a second.

  [clears throat, begins laughing] 

• Professor Ian Duncan : Good evening, Michelle... or may I say, "Meow-chelle"?

  Professor Michelle Slater : [talking to an obviously drunk Duncan]  Who has your car keys?

  Professor Ian Duncan : They're in the taco meat. Now, what say you and I blow this pop stand and head off for a spot of slap n' tickle?

  [whispering] 

  Professor Ian Duncan : I mean sex, in case the lingo hasn't made it to the States.

  Professor Michelle Slater : I think I'm probably leaving here with Jeff.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Really? I'm sorry, I just... just assumed that you two were done, since, uh...

  [clears throat] 

  Professor Ian Duncan : Jeff and Britta did, uh, the Yankee Doodle. Oh, don't tell me that didn't make it to the States. It clearly originated here.

• Professor Ian Duncan : [drunkenly]  Everybody sh... everybody close their faces. All right, he's got a lot on his mind. Leave him alone. Oka... I got it from here. My name is Professor Ian Duncan, and I would like to rap for you.

  Dean Pelton : No.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Drop a beat.

  [hip-hop music] 

  Professor Ian Duncan : Uh-oh, uh-oh. My name is Ian Duncan, and I'm here to say / I'm going to rap to the beat in a rapping way / I've got a real big penis, and I drink lots of tea

  Dean Pelton : Oh, okay. Okay, okay. No, no, no, you know what, Duncan?

  Professor Ian Duncan : What?

  Dean Pelton : That's enough.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Why?

  Dean Pelton : You have a problem.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Oh, I have a problem?

  Dean Pelton : Yes.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Who is it here who has a Dalmatian fetish?

  Dean Pelton : Oh, ok... okay. Well, that is a oversimplification, and you are suspended.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Oh, come on.

  Señor Chang : Oh, not a teacher anymore. What's this?

  Professor Ian Duncan : A roll of quarters. Why? Funny question.

  [Ben makes a fist around the roll of quarters and punches Ian in the chin, then jumps on Ian's back] 

  Professor Ian Duncan : Oh, man!

  Dean Pelton : Friends, help me, friends! Help me!

  Professor Ian Duncan : He's on me! He's on me!

• Professor Ian Duncan : Senor Chang... is there a word in Spanish for someone who used to pretend to be a professor, but was a teacher, but wasn't actually a teacher, and he's now a student? Is there a word for that? Oh, if it was in Spanish, you wouldn't know, would you?

  [Ben draws back to throw a punch] 

  Professor Ian Duncan : Ah, bup, bup, bup. Hit a professor, you'll get expelled.

  Señor Chang : I will find a loophole.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Oh, good luck with that.

  Señor Chang : [whispers]  Then I'll kill you.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Good.

  Jeff Winger : Dudley Moore.

  Professor Ian Duncan : Spray tan. I'd go easy on that punch if I was you. I've put in a little...