- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [to the camera] Hello, welcome to another episode of "Between Two Ferns", I'm your host Zach Galifianakis and...
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [intentionally mispronouncing her name] My guest today is Charlise Theron.
- Charlize Theron: [correcting him, amused] Charlize Theron, that's ok everybody does that.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [correcting his notes] Charlise Theron...
- Charlize Theron: [interrupts him] Theron, like "heroine", Theron.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: So you were in "Monsters Inc."?
- Charlize Theron: [giggles] No, oh that's humorous.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: Oh, you were in the movie "Monster"?
- Charlize Theron: "Monster", yeah just "Monster."
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: Did you win an Oscar for that?
- Charlize Theron: I did.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: Where's your Oscar statue?
- Charlize Theron: It's in my house.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: It'd be cool if you hung it from the rearview mirror in your car, like a high school tassel.
- Charlize Theron: [amused, laughs] Where'd that come from? That stuff just hangs out of your head? That's funny, did you write it down? You're really funny, or just remember it?
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [looking at his notes] So it says here a dog lover?
- Charlize Theron: Yeah, very much.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: Do you have a dog?
- Charlize Theron: I have a few, I adopt them, I actually recently adopted one from the pound and he actually has a really horrible disease called Leishmaniasis and it's a cancer and so his on medication right now and we hope he pulls through, it's a pretty bad disease, we don't know much about it here in America.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [interrupts her by blocking her face by using a "Need for Speed" video game case] We have a new sponsor of the show "Need for Speed Shift."
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [intentionally continuing to block her face with the video game case, to the cameraman] Which camera should I point it to?
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [looking at his notes, referring to her dog with the disease] What's his name?
- Charlize Theron: Ole boy.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [writing the name down] Ole boy, like a "oh boy I wish my dog wasn't sick"?
- Charlize Theron: [laughs, amused]
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: Are you ok? Because the dog...
- Charlize Theron: No, I'm fine don't worry about it. You're sweet for asking though.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [caught off guard by her compliment, changing the topic] What was your, how often do you go back to South Africa?
- Charlize Theron: I go quite a bit, have you been?
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: Yes.
- Charlize Theron: Did you go alone? Or did you go with a girlfriend?
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: I have a girlfriend.
- Charlize Theron: That's great.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: She looks a little bit like you.
- Charlize Theron: Really? Oh wow, such a nice compliment, thank you.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: And a lot like Dog the Bounty Hunter.
- Charlize Theron: [dismisses his insult by laughing] That's funny.
- Charlize Theron: You must make her laugh all the time.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [wipes his forehead] It's warm in here.
- Charlize Theron: [to the cameraman] Don't put this on camera.
- Charlize Theron: [signals Zach to lean closer, whispers in his ear] My thighs are so sweaty right now, its dripping down to the back of my knees, the only thing that can cool me off is to jump naked into a pool I'm so fucking hot.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [confused] Are you asking me to go with you?
- Charlize Theron: [confused] Where?
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: The naked pool.
- Charlize Theron: [leans forward, laughs loudly] Oh, my God, you are hilarious.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: I wasn't joking.
- Charlize Theron: You know how you made it really funny? It's because of the image of me and you, like naked in a pool with a fat garden gnome, that's like really good, you are really good.
- Zach Galifianakis - Host: [feeling insulted, looking at his notes] I hope your dog dies.
- Charlize Theron: [dismissing his insults by laughing] I just pissed myself.