Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis (TV Series)

Conan O'Brien and Andy Richter (2009)

Zach Galifianakis: Self - Host

Quotes 

• Andy Richter : [Whispering to Zach]  I didn't even know it was a church, she didn't even tell me...

  Himself - Host : [Interrupts him]  shh, shut the fuck up

  Himself - Host : [to the camera]  Welcome to another episode of Between Two Ferns, I'm your host Zach Galifianakis, I'd like to welcome my guest, Conan O'Brien.

  Andy Richter : [stands up and claps] 

  Conan O'Brien : [to Andy]  I didn't know you were here.

  Andy Richter : [to Conan]  you don't own me.

  Conan O'Brien : [to Zach while looking at Zach's blue sport coat]  How are you, good to see you, congratulations on the new "role," I understand your playing "Poppa Smurf", the live action "Poppa Smurf" movie.

  Himself - Host : [annoyed]  Steve Allen, Jack Parr, Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien.

  Himself - Host : [to Conan]  I was just listing my favorite Tonight Show hosts in order.

  Conan O'Brien : [Sarcastically to Zach]  Alright well thank you for having me on the show, great to be here, I'm having a really good time hosting The Tonight Show, we're having a lot of laughs, we've taped about forty shows so far, two of them quite good.

  Andy Richter : I remember those.

  Himself - Host : [to Conan, feeling belittled]  did anyone ever tell you seem like the black Byron Allen?

  Conan O'Brien : [to Zach]  People make fun of my complexion I'm pretty pale, I use an SPF 125 when I go to the beach, it actually shoots light back at the sun.

  Himself - Host : [Presses the red button]  this is the sound of crickets riding on a tumbleweed.

  Conan O'Brien : [Sarcastically]  That's helpful.

  Himself - Host : [to Conan]  When you go home at night, you watch yourself, do you...

  Conan O'Brien : Do I what?

  Himself - Host : [Implying masturbation]  Touch it?

  Conan O'Brien : OK...

  Himself - Host : I'm just asking because Andy and I go to dinner on the weekends sometimes and he tells me a few "things."

  Conan O'Brien : [to Zach, referring to Andy]  So you guys are "pals"? That's it? You guys are "pals and get together at the Waffle House...

  Himself - Host : Andy and I have the same trainer

  Conan O'Brien : the same trainer?

  Conan O'Brien : [Sarcastically, seeing how out of shape fit Andy and Zach are]  He must be an awesome trainer, working out with you two guys.

  Himself - Host : Yeah he actually is pretty good

• Conan O'Brien : [amused]  Yeah, does he also train the Michelin Man in his spare time?

  Andy Richter : [to Conan while Conan laughs]  That's just hurtful.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Conan]  Did you think you were going to be a talk show host when you were twenty-five years old?

  Conan O'Brien : What's funny is...

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [moves the red button closer to himself]  I'm just getting ready.

  Conan O'Brien : When I was twenty-five years old I was actually thinking about being a male model but that didn't work out.

  Conan O'Brien : [Zach presses the red button and the crickets' sounds continues]  Oh come on, this isn't bad.

  Conan O'Brien : When you started hosting you were nervous and sweaty and under prepared, desperate.

  Conan O'Brien : Well, yes, in 1993 I took over "Late Night"...

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [interrupts him]  No, I'm talking about "The Tonight Show".

  Conan O'Brien : Ok, I don't know, I'm getting a... Are you mad at me or something? I just thought we were... What are you mad about?

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : I feel like I have a shot at "The Tonight Show."

  Conan O'Brien : Pardon me? Is that what this is about? You wanted to host "The Tonight Show", I would've loved to see that "Tonight Show", you stumbling out there, sitting on an old chair from a public school, looking at a piece of paper, two freakin' ferns on either side of you "Tonight Show with Zach Galifianakis."

  Conan O'Brien : [impersonating a talk show announcer]  Tonight he mumbles angrily at Meryl Streep.

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [feeling insulted, to the camera]  We're out of time for Conan and we'll welcome our next guest, please welcome Andy Dick.

  Andy Richter : [stands up clapping, Andy Dick shakes hands with everybody and sits in Conan's seat, Conan gets up and sits on the side of the stage] 

  Zach Galifianakis - Host : [to Andy Dick]  Thanks for being on the show.

  Andy Dick : Thank you. Poppa Smurf called, he wants his suit back.

  [everyone laughs except Conan, segment ends]