House M.D. (TV Series)

Office Politics (2010)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

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Quotes 

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Masters]  So you'll lie when it doesn't matter, but you won't when it does. How'd you get so screwed up?

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : The two of you have a combined IQ north of 300.

  Dr. Gregory House : That's also true of five morons.

• Martha Masters : We treat with chemotherapy or steroids.

  Dr. Gregory House : We treat with chemotherapy.

  Martha Masters : I said chemo.

  Dr. Gregory House : And then you said "or."

  Dr. Robert Chase : Once again, the bunny meets the blade.

  Dr. Gregory House : The road to dead patients is paved with "or's." Chemo is the more effective treatment, which means it will confirm our diagnosis more quickly...

  Martha Masters : I agree, but there is another option.

  Dr. Gregory House : There are lots of other options. There's bloodletting, crystals, prayer...

  Martha Masters : Another medically accepted option.

  Dr. Gregory House : Which is both less effective and less scary. So the patient might just choose it. Unless, of course, we don't mention it to him.

  Martha Masters : We can't withhold information. If we explain both the benefits and the risks of each treatment, I'm sure Dugan will choose chemo.

  Dr. Gregory House : Well, as long as you're sure.

  Martha Masters : [to Dugan]  The better option is chemotherapy. It's faster and more likely to completely cure you.

  Joe Dugan : I'll take the steroids.

  Dr. Gregory House : Oh, my goodness. If only someone could have predicted that you'd make that incredibly stupid decision.

• Martha Masters : I was just down by Dugan's room. They were gonna give him the wrong medicine. I tried to change the order, but I'm not a doctor.

  Dr. Gregory House : Good. The wrong medicine is the right medicine.

  Martha Masters : But he wanted steroids, not chemo.

  Dr. Gregory House : He wants to live.

  Martha Masters : I'm gonna tell him what's going on.

  Dr. Gregory House : No, you're not. I don't mind your morality, in theory. But in practice, you're risking my patient's life. So you're fired.

  Martha Masters : You think that's gonna stop me from telling him?

  Dr. Gregory House : If you do, I'll get you thrown out of medical school.

  Martha Masters : I haven't done anything that would merit that.

  Dr. Gregory House : I know, but unlike you, I'm willing to lie.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : She's a third-year med student. She graduated high school when she was 15. She filled out her time before med school getting PHds in both applied Math and Art History.

  Dr. Gregory House : She'll be incredibly useful if my next patient is an Escher drawing. Those things are seriously screwed up.

• Dr. Gregory House : [House opens the door after Martha knocks]  Martha M. Masters? I'm Doctor House. This is the rest of the team: Boring, Bimbo and Bite-Size. Martha enjoys quadratic equations, Italian frescoes, and her turn-ons include learning to be a doctor.

• Joe Dugan : What's that?

  Dr. Gregory House : This is interferon. It delays the onset of rigor mortis.

• Joe Dugan : Give me a percentage. What are the odds of this thing working?

  Martha Masters : There's an 85% chance that this will kill you.

  Joe Dugan : So you want to give me something that works 15% better than arsenic?

  Martha Masters : Technically. It works infinitely better because arsenic has a 0%... chance... This is your only shot. Both Dr. House and I believe that. He faked a blood test in order to get you approved for this treatment, and then, he tried to bribe me into lying to you about the risks. If either of these incidents came to light, he'd be suspended and probably lose his license.

  Dr. Gregory House : I'm sure some other people would suffer.

  Martha Masters : He's risking his career to give you this chance. He wouldn't do that if there was any other choice.

• Martha Masters : So what do we do now?

  Dr. Gregory House : Considering the fact that I'm about to do something unethical...

  Martha Masters : Oh right, yeah. I'm fired.

• Dr. Gregory House : I have a problem. A medical problem which could become... I have lied to Cuddy 10,000 times. How do you think she'd feel about 10,001?

  Dr. James Wilson : I think you probably already know the answer.

  Dr. Gregory House : Yeah, but that doesn't make any sense.

  Dr. James Wilson : You don't understand why a woman might be upset because her boyfriend lied to her?

  Dr. Gregory House : I wouldn't be lying to her as a boyfriend. I'd be lying as her employee.

  Dr. James Wilson : That's not how relationships work.

• Dr. Gregory House : Prove yourself to me. No more games. At least the current game ends, others may start. You have my deeply flawed word.

  Martha Masters : What do I have to do?

  Dr. Gregory House : Get Dugan to let us give him Hep A. And while you're figuring out the best way to coax a patient into a treatment that has an 85% morality rate, here's some advice: don't.

  Martha Masters : I'm not gonna lie to him.

  Dr. Gregory House : You have a math degree, so let's see if you can follow along here. You lie to him, he definitely consents, he might live. You tell him the truth like the last time, he might not consent, he definitely dies. Remind me what's so wrong about lying?

• Martha Masters : You can pretend you wanted me to lie, but you didn't. You want the people on your team to challenge you, otherwise you'd just be a bully instead of a great doctor. You hired me because I don't compromise my principles.

  Dr. Gregory House : *Or* I want a front row seat when you wake up and realize how useless your principles are. I don't want you to just lie to a patient. I want you to want to lie to a patient.

  Martha Masters : It's not gonna happen.

  Dr. Gregory House : See you tomorrow.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : What's that smell? Onions? Peppers? Oh, I know. It's a sausage-fest.

  Dr. Gregory House : Sausage-fest implies multiples. Now if you're talking yardage, I'd have to agree.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I'm talking about your department. You still haven't replaced Thirteen.

  Dr. Gregory House : It's coming along.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : You've had plenty of time to find someone.

  Dr. Gregory House : I've found plenty of someones, just haven't kept them.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : It's time to end the cycle. Meet your new team member. Her name is Martha M. Masters.

  Dr. Gregory House : This doctor is not a doctor.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : She's a third-year med student. She graduated high school when she was 15. She filled out the time before med school getting PhDs in both applied math and art history.

  Dr. Gregory House : Should be incredibly useful if my next patient is an Escher drawing. Those things are seriously screwed up.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : This isn't a suggestion.

  Dr. Gregory House : Just because my sausage has been filling your bun doesn't mean you get to decide what flavor chips I nosh on during the day.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : No. I get to do that because I'm your boss.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : There was a time when you would have completely ignored my request. It means a lot that you respect me enough to do this.

  Dr. Gregory House : I've come a long way, baby.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Now if you would only hire a new team member...

  Dr. Gregory House : I'm on it.