House M.D. (TV Series)

Family Practice (2011)

Hugh Laurie: Dr. Gregory House

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Quotes 

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Masters]  If you tell anyone, I will get you thrown out of med school and I will destroy your career.

  Martha Masters : I've thought about that. Lying about me... won't work. Everybody knows your reputation.

  Dr. Gregory House : True, but I won't have to lie. Buried in your coma patient's big, big file is a form that doesn't allow treatment without the expressed consent of the relatives.

  Martha Masters : Wait...

  Dr. Gregory House : You drew blood and that's not just a screw-up. It's a criminal assault.

  Martha Masters : But you told me...

  Dr. Gregory House : No. As you may recall...

  [mimes zipping his lip] 

  Martha Masters : You set me up? Why?

  Dr. Gregory House : Because this patient is the highest priority.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : [When Arlene decides to leave the hospital]  I can't believe it. What just happened?

  Dr. Gregory House : You just killed her.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Are you blaming me? This is all because you're so arrogant, you goaded her into firing you!

  Dr. Gregory House : Actually, my mistakes started a little after that, when I agreed to your brilliant scheme to keep me on the case after she'd fired me off it.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : She would have left the hospital.

  Dr. Gregory House : Only 'cause you would have let her, like you did just now.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : You think I can control her?

  Dr. Gregory House : I don't know. I've never seen you try.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I have been rebelling against this woman my entire life.

  Dr. Gregory House : Here's what I've seen. She insults you, you complain to me. I drug her at dinner, you never let her know. We slip her medicine, happens behind her back. You never confront her and it pisses me off.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Are you taking this personally?

  Dr. Gregory House : She leaves, she dies. One day... maybe a week from now, maybe a year from now, you're gonna decide that the man sleeping next to you killed your mother. Get me my patient back.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Masters]  When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. Now she's protecting a boyfriend. Hospital's not going to put up with that for long, so I need you to protect me from doing something that Cuddy will regret. See you bright and late tomorrow.

• Dr. Chris Taub : [to House]  You bugged the room?

  Dr. Gregory House : I absolutely without apology will admit that someone may have allegedly done so.

  Martha Masters : Guess we can pass unethical and skip straight to illegal.

  Dr. Gregory House : Not according to the recent Supreme Court case of bite versus me.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Which other symptoms, mom?

  Arlene : No her fault. This Dean of Medicine stuff, very impressive at parties, but she's forgotten how to be a real doctor. It's all in my file.

  Dr. Gregory House : There are 15 years of clinic visits in this file.

  Arlene : I don't want to be a bother, but isn't that what you do for a living?

• Dr. Gregory House : Just some stuff that can cause severe nausea, and permanent erctile disfunction. And which proves that your mom is doing the help. According to her diary, some contractor named Jesus, which granted, was originally a Jewish name.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Go mom.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : [after switching her mother's meds]  Something like that comes up again - just - do what you need to do.

  Dr. Gregory House : Want me to keep you out of it?

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Yeah. I am being a coward. Which is why doctors shouldn't treat their own family. Congratulations, you were right as usual.

• Dr. Chris Taub : [to House about treating Arlene]  So what do we do?

  Dr. Gregory House : We switch her meds. We get a solution of broad-spectrum antibiotics, stick it in an I.V. bag marked for prednisone. Kaufman can only be there a few times a day. Tell Arlene you're from the pharmacy, switch 'em out.

  Dr. Eric Foreman : This is nuts. This is way too complicated.

  Dr. Gregory House : It's hanging an I.V. bag!

  Dr. Eric Foreman : If the attending doesn't know what she's on, the risk of drug reaction...

  Dr. Gregory House : What risk? We know how he's treating her. We bugged the room.

  Dr. Eric Foreman : This is not about information! We're talking ethical and legal violations on a scale that should make even you puke!

  Dr. Gregory House : She's dying!

  Dr. Eric Foreman : That doesn't mean we should all go to jail to save her! You're losing control because... this is your girlfriend's mom.

  Dr. Robert Chase : You gonna run this by Cuddy?

  Dr. Gregory House : No. She said to keep her out of it, do what we need to do. Look, I know what I'm suggesting is completely screwed up. That's because this situation is completely screwed up. Do it or you're fired.

• Arlene : If you're so great, how come you're not running your department anymore?

  Dr. Gregory House : What are you talking about, Mom?

  Arlene : That's what he told me.

  Dr. Gregory House : Two days ago? I said that I didn't have a department to run? I was being sarcastic.

  Arlene : No, you weren't.

  Dr. Gregory House : Right, because people who are talking can't tell if they're being sarcastic.

  Arlene : That doesn't make any sense.

  Dr. Gregory House : Of course they can. But you weren't... I love A-Rod. He's so modest and I highly respect the paintings he has of himself as a centaur. Question. Do I like A-Rod?

  Arlene : Yes. Whoever he is.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : She can't recognize sarcasm?

  Dr. Gregory House : Deficit in the right parahippocampal gyrus, which means CNS involvement before the fever. I was wrong about the endocarditis.

• Dr. Gregory House : [to Cuddy]  Your mom is a 65-year-old woman with high blood pressure.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : What about the macrocytic anemia?

  Dr. Gregory House : Borderline, which is the lab equivalent of imaginary which by the

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : You really think she's psyching herself into atrial fibrillation?

  Dr. Gregory House : So get her a cardiologist. You don't want me involved. You don't want you involved. All that ethics stuff that I don't give a crap about suddenly makes sense. If you're emotionally invested, you cannot make rational decisions. You know this would be a disaster.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : This is my mother.

• Arlene : [to House]  You printed a fake label just to prove I'm a hypochondriac?

  Dr. Gregory House : Did it work?

  Arlene : It got you fired, you schmuck.

• Dr. Gregory House : Top of the morning, Dr. Kaufman. Here's the deal. You copy me on all the imaging. I'll have my guys run the lab tests.

  Dr. Marty Kaufman : No.

  Dr. Gregory House : I thought you spoke to Cuddy.

  Dr. Marty Kaufman : Yeah. Then I spoke to the elder Cuddy, who specifically requested you not be involved.

  Dr. Gregory House : Listen, Kauffy, you are perfectly competent, bordering on good, even, but you know I'm better. If you want, we can pretend it's 'cause I got a team and more resources. Either way, it'd be crazy to ignore my advice.

  Dr. Marty Kaufman : It's not gonna stop at advice. You're gonna start cutting me out, go behind me to your girlfriend and if something goes wrong, still me standing up there alone at the M&M. Please stay away from my patient.

• Martha Masters : [to House]  I know I'm a pain, but it's impossible for me to work with you if you...

  Dr. Gregory House : Fine, fine! Instead of a live stream, I'll get a recap from Cuddy twenty minutes later. Thank you for saving America.

• Dr. Eric Foreman : Aren't there other ways of keeping Masters occupied?

  Dr. Gregory House : Not according to my sexual harassment seminar.

• Dr. Lisa Cuddy : [about Arlene]  I switched out the antibiotics, put her back on prednisone. Her breathing's normal, but the a-fib's back and her fever's up.

  Dr. Chris Taub : Allergy's got to be due to our antibiotics.

  Dr. Gregory House : Does Kaufman know what we did? That's good.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : No, that is terrible! He doesn't know that she got worse on antibiotics, so now he's thinking endocarditis. He'll put her back on the antibiotics that almost suffocated her. What do we do?

  Dr. Gregory House : We push through this. It started in the heart. Endocarditis still fits. It's just got to be fungal. We have to switch Kaufman's antibiotics for amphotericin B.

  Dr. Eric Foreman : I don't know if you're right. I don't care, but we are gonna end up killing this woman if we keep confusing her attending with these secret meds.

  Dr. Gregory House : I don't care about confusing the attending! I want this woman...

  Dr. Eric Foreman : We're not talking about simple antibiotics anymore. Amphotericin B is dangerous in itself. It's a poison. That's why it kills fungi. It'll give her fever, chills...

  Dr. Gregory House : Which she already has, which will help us hide it.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : I don't think I can take a risk like that.

  Dr. Gregory House : Well, then you shouldn't have let her fire me!

• Dr. Marty Kaufman : [to House]  I'm skipping the credentials committee. I'm going straight to the state board and reporting you for... what you've done is so off the spectrum, I don't know there's a specific name for it.

  Dr. Gregory House : [to Masters]  I think he's talking to you.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Marty, calm down.

  Dr. Marty Kaufman : [to Cuddy]  And you. What you did is worse. He's an insane lunatic. You're the Dean of Medicine!

  Arlene : I want you off my case.

  Dr. Marty Kaufman : That's exactly right.

  Arlene : Don't get excited. You're fired too.

  Dr. Marty Kaufman : What?

  Arlene : I'll never get away from House or my daughter if I stay here. Transfer me to Princeton General.

  Dr. Lisa Cuddy : Mom, you're very ill and you're very angry. You really think now is the right time to make a decision like this?

  Arlene : You lied to me and betrayed me. Do you think I really care what you consider a good idea anymore?