Glee (TV Series)

The Sue Sylvester Shuffle (2011)

Jane Lynch: Sue Sylvester

Photos 

Quotes 

• Sue Sylvester : No time for a foursome, ladies. Bus leaves in five.

  Quinn Fabray : We quit Cheerios!.

  Sue Sylvester : You can't quit Cheerios!. It's blood in, blood out. Now get your sweet little cans on that bus.

  Santana Lopez : But we still quit.

  Sue Sylvester : You're my stars. If you leave, I have no performance!

  Brittany S. Pierce : Sucks for you.

• Katie Couric : So, tell me, Sue, how are you holding up?

  Sue Sylvester : I'm hanging in there, thank you.

  Katie Couric : I know it's painful, but... can you take me back to the moment when you knew you had lost what would have been a record seventh consecutive national championship, landing you this interview as Loser of the Year?

  Sue Sylvester : I thought this was the Ten Most Fascinating.

  Katie Couric : That's Barbara Walters. In the voting, you beat out the following losers: the economy, Mel Gibson, the housing market, Dina Lohan, Wall Street, Tiger Woods, the Dallas Cowboys, Brett Favre's cell phone, 9% unemployment, and Sparky Lohan, who is Dina Lohan's dog and apparently, also a loser. How do you cope with that?

  Sue Sylvester : I've been drinking a lot of bleach.

• Brittany S. Pierce : I just don't want to die.

  Sue Sylvester : You don't climb in that cannon, and that routine will be all "boom boom" and no "pow". And that, Brittany, is so 2000 and late. Here's your consent form. And as you ponder your decision, I ask that you remember that that cannon has two little baby twin cannons at home, and one more on the way. And if you refuse to sign this, well, those little baby cannons might just go hungry.

  Sue Sylvester : Baby cannons?

  Sue Sylvester : And the mama cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can't work. Do you want us to win or don't you?

  Brittany S. Pierce : [taking a pen]  How many M's are there in the letter R?

  Sue Sylvester : Make an "X".

• Katie Couric : Do you regret the choice of attempting to fire a student out of a cannon? Other than attracting headlines and launching a national debate on the safety of athletes, was it really worth it?

  Sue Sylvester : Honestly, I was just trying to feel something.

  Katie Couric : And how do you feel now that the remainder of the annual Cheerios! budget is going to the Glee Club?

  Sue Sylvester : I'm sorry?

  Katie Couric : Let's take a look.

  [turning on a videocassette of herself dancing with Schue] 

  Katie Couric : After a little song and dance to support the arts, I sat down with McKinley Glee Club director Will Schuester.

  Will Schuester : I have to say, I'm thrilled. Sue got what was coming to her, and now we don't have to hold a bake sale to pay for the bus to regionals.

  Katie Couric : [pausing the tape]  Thoughts?

  Sue Sylvester : I hate you, Diane Sawyer.

• Sue Sylvester : [narrating]  Dear journal, I am in crisis. Not even the can't-lose combination of boobs and fire can get me going anymore. Is it the raccoon hormones my new doctor gave me? Maybe. Here I am, 31, and already a legend. What do I do as a second act? I'm simply at a loss. Last week, I even took to modifying my own flawless form just to feel something.

  Tattooist : [tattooing her back]  Wait. It's Syv-lester, right? Sue Syv-lester?

• Shannon Beiste : [watching Sue on a tear in the locker room]  What the hell are you doing?

  Sue Sylvester : I'm sending a message. Sue Sylvester's done playing nice. I just got off the phone with the Ohio Cheerleading Board, and they accepted my request to move my regional to the same night as your championship game. Congratulations. You just lost your halftime show and the cheerleaders.

  Will Schuester : [she knocks items off the desk]  Sue!

  Shannon Beiste : What the crap are we gonna do now?

  Will Schuester : [getting an idea]  I got it.

• Sue Sylvester : Well, I typed these up for you ladies, requiring your signature, tendering your resignation from the Glee Club. Oh, and Brittany, here's a note for you, handwritten and in crayon from the Human Cannon, saying how much it misses you.

  Quinn Fabray : Coach, that cannon is gonna get Brittany killed. Is that really worth it just to win a stupid national championship?

  Sue Sylvester : Seventh consecutive stupid national championship.

  Quinn Fabray : This is ridiculous.

  Sue Sylvester : You had quite a year last year, Q. And as I recall, you didn't have such a good time out of that Cheerios! uniform. Ladies, I am giving you the chance, right now, to choose once and for all where your true loyalties lie. Choose the Cheerios!, or choose the Glee Club.

• Sue Sylvester : Couldn't help but overhear your conversation.

  Quinn Fabray : What were you doing in there?

  Sue Sylvester : Enjoying the eavesdropping afforded me by the Swiss-timepiece regularity and utter silence of my 2:00 p.m. ninja poops.

• Principal Figgins : Sue, what the hell were you thinking? You cannot perform a stunt that dangerous! Our insurance premium is through the roof as it is!

  Sue Sylvester : Cheerleading is a sport. There are dangers involved. It's the same as when a quarterback is sacked, or a hockey player is slammed up against the boards.

  Will Schuester : Enough, Sue. There is no excuse for putting a student's life at risk.

  Sue Sylvester : I'm a tastemaker, Will. I know what an audience wants. You're not going to take this away from me. I need this. This level of risk and danger makes me feel alive again.

  Principal Figgins : But the risk and danger isn't to you!

  Sue Sylvester : That's the best part.

• Sue Sylvester : [Brittany is reluctant to perform her cannon stunt]  To put your toddler, fist-sized mind at rest, we'll do one final test run.

  [putting a life-size doll inside, she fires the cannon, which utterly destroys the doll] 

  Sue Sylvester : Any of you take German? I may have to read the owner's manual.

• Cannonball Guy : This here is the A950.

  Sue Sylvester : You say this could shoot someone across a football field?

  Cannonball Guy : Several football fields, if you pack in enough explosives. Of course, that would be incredibly unsafe. See, if you want to go for more than, say, 50 yards, you're looking about a 70% chance of catastrophic failure.

  Sue Sylvester : Which is a 30% chance of catastrophic success. This is the button, right?

  Cannonball Guy : No, no, no, no!

  [she fires it, launching the mechanic inside out; flying through the football uprights, he lands in a safety net] 

  Sue Sylvester : You know, I try to make it a habit of not touching carny folk, but fella...

  [shaking hands] 

  Sue Sylvester : ...I'll take it. You got a smaller one?