- Brad Williams: Aw c'mon bro, being a black guy is way harder than being a gay dude. Last night, I tried to hail a cab in a twelve hundred dollar suit. Dude drove right past me and picked up a white guy in a "Who Farted" t-shirt.
- Max Blum: Oh boohoo. You can't get a cab. I can't get married, or into Heaven.
- Penny Hartz: You don't want to do either of those things.
- Brad Williams: Hold... hold on, am I in trouble or something? 'cause you know, looking at someone's search history isn't always a reliable indicator of their web habits. I mean, small typo on the word "canal" and you're in a whole different family of sites.
- Jane Kerkovich-Williams: I know, the same thing happened to me when I searched for a pair of black Crocs.
- Brad Williams: Sorry?
- Dave Rose: I'm gonna go out tonight, and I'm gonna get absolutely blackout drunk.
- Max Blum: Yes! Let's do it!
- Dave Rose: Maybe I'll meet somebody! Y'know, I could bring her back here! Somehow convince her to have sex with me on this soiled futon while you sleep nearby!
- Max Blum: Sure! I mean, chicks love a chubby guy sleeping on the floor, it reminds them of prom!
- Dave Rose: Couple months go by. Surprise! Herpes. Surprise number two: she's preggos and loves cocaine.
- Max Blum: Okay. You're going to a dark place, let's turn it around!
- Dave Rose: Nah, we try to make it work for a while, but it's only a matter of time before she runs off with a roadie from Pantera. Before you know it, I'm a single dad living in this... torture porn warehouse with my cross eyed baby, Mitchell.
- Max Blum: If we're gonna raise this baby together, I'm not in love with the name Mitchell.
- Dave Rose: 'kay. We can work on that.