- Berta: Hey, Charlie?
- Charlie Harper: Yeah?
- Berta: When did you become a bitch?
- Charlie Harper: What? I was just leaving her a message.
- Berta: The girl is married. Leave her alone.
- Charlie Harper: I can't! I love her! I need her!
- Berta: Bitch!
- Alan Harper: Dave and I had the same education, the same skills. We started our practice at the same time. But, he does three times the business that I do. You know why?
- Charlie Harper: He offers happy endings?
- Alan Harper: Once the profits start rolling in, I can move out.
- Charlie Harper: And once I grow boobs, I can start dancing the lunch shift at "Les Girls! Girls! Girls!".
- Alan Harper: With targeted advertising, I could double the size of my practice.
- Charlie Harper: Wow! A second patient!
- Evelyn Harper: Why don't you just ask your brother for the money?
- Alan Harper: I thought of that, but after all he's done for me, I'd feel horrible asking for a loan.
- Evelyn Harper: And after all *I've* done for you?
- Alan Harper: I'd still feel horrible, but you never threaten to smother me in my sleep.
- Alan Harper: [Evelyn kisses a check before giving it to Alan] Is that for luck?
- Evelyn Harper: No, just kissing it goodbye.
- Alan Harper: How's it going?
- Dr. Herb Melnick: Oh, you know. Living the dream.
- Judith Melnick: [Yelling in the background] Damn it, Herb! How many times have I told you not to use the guest towels?
- Dr. Herb Melnick: [Yelling back] Hey! If I'm gonna sleep in the guest room, I get to use the guest towels!
- Alan Harper: Yeah, I remember that dream.
- Gordon: Everything okay, Mr. Harper?
- Charlie Harper: My date just cancelled.
- Gordon: Can't the service send over another girl?
- Charlie Harper: Berta? Are you seeing this? Am I dreaming?
- Berta: You got the Kardashian sisters under the table?
- Charlie Harper: Nope.
- Berta: Then you're not dreaming.
- Judith Melnick: How dare you!
- Alan Harper: Nice to see you too.
- Judith Melnick: You go behind my back and talk my husband into giving you some kind of business loan?
- Alan Harper: Herb told you?
- Judith Melnick: Of course! We love each other!
- Dr. Herb Melnick: And we love each other so much, she went through my checkbook!
- Alan Harper: You have $5,000 in your sweatpants?
- Charlie Harper: I prefer to think of it as three hookers and a Philly cheesesteak.