Two and a Half Men (TV Series)
That Darn Priest (2011)
Jon Cryer: Alan Harper
Photos
Quotes
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Alan Harper : Bless me, Father, for I have sinned?
Father Shaunassey : Are you asking me or telling me?
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Father Shaunassey : When was your last confession?
Alan Harper : Oh, wow, let's see. Uh, that would be... never!
Father Shaunassey : Are you even Catholic?
Alan Harper : No, but I'm a big fan. The costumes, the music, um, crackers and wine.
Father Shaunassey : That's the body and blood of our Saviour.
Alan Harper : I know. Mm-mm, good. You guys ever think about putting that in supermarkets like a Lunchable?
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Alan Harper : [Enters a confessional and sees the window closed] Hi. I'd like a Jumbo Jack and an apple turnover.
Father Shaunassey : [the window suddenly opens] Do you want fries with that?
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Alan Harper : Just to be clear, what I tell you is between you and me.
Father Shaunassey : And the Lord.
Alan Harper : Sure, but I'm not worried about him blabbing. You, I just met. Couldn't pick you out of a lineup.
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Alan Harper : Do you know what a Ponzi scheme is?
Father Shaunassey : I do. Are you an investment banker?
Alan Harper : No, I'm a chiropractor.
Father Shaunassey : A chiropractic Ponzi scheme. Okay, you piqued my interest.
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Alan Harper : I was hoping that you could forgive me.
Father Shaunassey : Are you prepared to make restitution and confess what you've done to your family?
Alan Harper : Oh, God, no! I was hoping you could give me a few Hail Marys and I could make a donation to the Church's legal-defense fund. Win-win.
Father Shaunassey : That's not how absolution works. You have to make an act of contrition and then do penance.
Alan Harper : Do I get to keep the money?
Father Shaunassey : No!
Alan Harper : Uh, you know what? I'm just gonna mosey over to Temple Beth Shalom and see what their deal is! I'll get back to you!
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Jake Harper : Who were you talking to?
Alan Harper : Oh! Uh, I was just singing.
Jake Harper : That wasn't singing.
Alan Harper : Who are you, Simon Cowell?
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Rose : [Rose busts Alan doing no work at his office and watching 3D movies] Oh, Alan, Alan, Alan. What are you doing?
Alan Harper : Oh! Uh, what do you mean? I'm just taking a break between patients.
[Rose gives him a stern look - Alan takes off the 3D glasses]
Alan Harper : Oh! Uh... chiropractic x-ray glasses. Cutting-edge stuff!
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Berta : Just brought your clean towels.
Alan Harper : What about my washcloths?
Berta : I threw those away.
Alan Harper : Why?
Berta : Do you really have to ask?
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Berta : I need my money back.
Alan Harper : Why?
Berta : Just found out two of my teenage granddaughters are pregnant.
Alan Harper : At the same time?
Berta : By the same guy!
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Charlie Harper : I don't recall asking for your opinion.
Alan Harper : Hey! Hey! I'm just looking out for you!
Charlie Harper : Do me a favor: a little less looking out, little more moving out!
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Alan Harper : Here is your $10,000. Hope it works out with your granddaughters.
Berta : They're 15 years old and pregnant. What should I look forward to? The next season of Teen Mom?